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kas99 #2882169 01/24/20 06:15 PM
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Originally Posted by kas99
I don't want him back I just don't want him to be happy at least not right now. Right now I want him to suffer like I am.

You already know this, but as much as you can, try to work out these thoughts.

Anger is a form of attachment. My ex texted me a few days ago she'd won something in a partner sport she and I had always competed in together. Flash of anger--was I that easy to replace?! Why are you texting me this--I don't look at your FB feed for a reason?! Then.. shh.. let is settle. No reply. Focus on life. That woman exists as my partner only in past stories.

kas99 #2882215 01/24/20 10:51 PM
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Karma will even things out eventually.
My ex looked like he had everything - the duplex at his favorite surf spot, the 19 years younger hot Asian wife (thank god she wasnt one of his affair partners but came about a year later), great income even after paying his share of kids college costs and alimony.

He was hanging out with her 30-something friends, pretending he’d never age, reliving his youth, taking exotic vacations and spending a ton of money on a fancy wedding.

But life has a way of bringing you back to reality. Within one year her mother died, her father developed dementia and needed major surgery, his father developed lung cancer and his mother was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. Ex went on to need two shoulder surgeries and one neck surgery for arthritis from years of surfing. His essential unhappiness didn’t disappear when he dumped me. He’s alienated his children and now cries poor to them even though his income has been twice mine.

My life hasn’t been perfect but I’m happy in my work, have the love and respect of my children, I’ve played music on stages with famous people and my joints don’t hurt!

I don’t wish any of these bad things on my ex or his family - I’m just saying, what looks better isn’t always, and wherever they go, they take their unhappy selves with them.

kml #2882238 01/25/20 01:04 AM
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Karma will even things out eventually.


I want to believe this.

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My ex looked like he had everything


I'm so there. New girlfriend, promotion, nice house, out every night, life appears grand.

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But life has a way of bringing you back to reality. His essential unhappiness didn’t disappear when he dumped me. He’s alienated his children and now cries poor to them even though his income has been twice mine.


My H got me to believe that I was the sole source of his unhappiness and it has done a number on me. Logically I know he's an unhappy person because nothing was ever enough. Its just hard to remember this on days like today.

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My life hasn’t been perfect but I’m happy in my work, have the love and respect of my children, I’ve played music on stages with famous people and my joints don’t hurt!


Your stories make me happy and give me hope. I love my job, my kids are great, they love me, I have great friends, they love me too I just feel like I was thrown out like an old couch or something. Traded in for a newer, younger model who is of course so much better than me. The mind movies are tough sometimes...

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what looks better isn’t always, and wherever they go, they take their unhappy selves with them.


Why is this so hard to grasp? It's so easy to buy into the concept that money, a hot wife, a house on the beach makes for pure bliss.

kas99 #2882435 01/26/20 11:56 PM
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The mood swings are the worst. Had a good Friday/Saturday and half a day on Sunday. I dropped D14 off after an afternoon of shopping today and he's gone......again. I get D14 every single evening and he hasn't been home for a week. That he's out having fun brings so much pain. He's not fun, he's never been fun and the thought that he is now (with HER) hurts so much. He's still working at the big box store (2nd job). Was there Friday night and all day yesterday. How can working 6 days a week be FUN? He's snapping at D14, take jabs at D17, boiling hot dogs for dinner and blowing S19 off on the whole car restoration project.

Please be kind I'm having a bad afternoon.

I have a lot of great things going for me and I wanted to post a good happy post but my thoughts are strangling me.

kas99 #2882444 01/27/20 01:16 AM
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Originally Posted by kas99
That he's out having fun brings so much pain. He's not fun, he's never been fun and the thought that he is now (with HER) hurts so much.

Why--e.g., is it because you're not having fun, it makes you feel replaceable, or you wish he hurt too?

Originally Posted by kas99
Please be kind I'm having a bad afternoon.

Sending lots of happy thoughts towards Kas that she recognizes on Sundays as much as she does on Fridays and Saturdays, all the good things happening around her in her life.

kas99 #2882445 01/27/20 01:34 AM
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S19 came out asking what was for dinner to see if was better than what H was cooking. For once (and I acknowledged this) his dinner is better than mine. H is making one of his mom's recipes but now that I think about it...it's not that great. S19 didn't want to go, hasn't been to see H in over a week and is disgusted by him. S19 stalled, helping me figure out how to work a drill, had me read one of his college books, finally left and said he'd be back shortly. H will trap him there which annoys S19. H's father used to do that. No one wanted to spend time with him and so when they finally did you couldn't get away from him.

Off to pick up D14. She wants to be here. They all want to be here. I should be grateful but instead I'm ick.

kas99 #2882447 01/27/20 02:00 AM
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I want him to suffer.

D17 is crying because Kobe Bryant's 13 year old daughter died. She has such a big heart and here I am feeling sorry for myself.

kas99 #2882466 01/27/20 06:44 AM
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Truth - he IS suffering. Sadly he’s also inflicting his suffering on his family as well, but trust me: if you had the choice to be you or him in this scenario, you’re much better off being you.

Don’t buy into the gaslighting. Even if you were the perfect wife, he’d find something to use as an excuse. One woman in her was 5’8” and like 130 lbs - her H told her she was too fat! My ex told me I walked too heavy - and worse than that, had taught our daughter to walk too heavy! (No, I don’t have a weird gait),

And if he’s doing things with her that he never did with you, well, isn’t she going to be surprised when he stops wanting to do them? Because if he actually liked doing those things he’d have done them a long time ago.

I know you’ve got a lot of responsibility in your shoulders - but this is also your time to find YOU. The you who is brave, creative, capable of great friendships and great love. Make a vision board and dream some dreams.

kml #2882522 01/27/20 02:53 PM
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I need to get these thoughts out of my head so I can challenge them and people here can help me.

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Truth - he IS suffering. Sadly he’s also inflicting his suffering on his family as well, but trust me: if you had the choice to be you or him in this scenario, you’re much better off being you.


In real life no one thinks he's happy. That he's just distracting with booze, women, work (2 jobs), etc. of course my brain tells me a different story as you know. I'll read things like divorce costs so much because its worth it. No regrets. Sure my kids no longer speak to me but I just couldn't live with him/her another minute. I'm much happier now with a my new wife/husband.

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Don’t buy into the gaslighting. Even if you were the perfect wife, he’d find something to use as an excuse. One woman in her was 5’8” and like 130 lbs - her H told her she was too fat! My ex told me I walked too heavy - and worse than that, had taught our daughter to walk too heavy! (No, I don’t have a weird gait),


I'm mentally ill and that is what he threw in my face. After 30 years he said he'd had enough. Said I made him shell of a man. There is enough truth in this to crush me.

The only thing that makes me feel better (and yes I know this is bad) is that without soul searching and time alone he will find another one just like me. S19 who is big into psychology said the same thing (on his own I never said anything). My IC says he needs a victim to feel better about himself and the next one will be worse than me.

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And if he’s doing things with her that he never did with you, well, isn’t she going to be surprised when he stops wanting to do them? Because if he actually liked doing those things he’d have done them a long time ago.


I wrack my brain wondering when exactly did he stop wanting to do did he things? Did I do this to him like he said? D14 says talking to him is like talking to a brick wall (true). She says he drags her to the store every week and all he wants to talk about is his work. When S19 is there all they talk about is cars. S19 talks to me about many subjects. H once could stay up all night talking but it ended and now I'm questioning my sanity (gaslighting) and memories.

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I know you’ve got a lot of responsibility in your shoulders - but this is also your time to find YOU. The you who is brave, creative, capable of great friendships and great love. Make a vision board and dream some dreams.


My changes are slow, very slow but I am getting better. I spent all weekend with D14 (this is the kid I struggled the most with). She's chatty, texting, calling, happy, nothing like our relationship before. I forced myself to get up last night and pick up the house. I've cooked almost every night. Last week I took D14/D17 to the doctor (AD's and strep). I got all their eye exams done, contacts ordered. I am on top of all the girly things for D14's upcoming dance. My bills are paid, taxes done.

I have dreams but that is for another post......need help with those too.

kas99 #2882542 01/27/20 04:07 PM
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Originally Posted by kas99
I wrack my brain wondering when exactly did he stop wanting to do did he things? Did I do this to him like he said?

Kas, the extent of your control was to support, be neutral to, or oppose his GAL activities. Even if you opposed them, the ultimate choice to stop (versus continuing despite you being upset, or leaving you to continue) was his. I say that as someone who's consistently had partners who opposed my solo GAL activities. I feel so, so blessed that my current partner has been supporting me in them so far.

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