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A Message from Michele
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Lets Paint my Picture. What does my future hold [Re: CanBird] #2881973
01/23/20 12:25 PM
01/23/20 12:25 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 505
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CanBird Offline OP
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J~ My rings are off. Glasses are on. My eyes are swollen from crying. Still recovering from Tuesday evenings late night. I was drownding my sorrows. It got me through the night. Not a good idea to keep that up.

Moving forward, as mentioned above, I've been in touch with a lawyer. A little to late? Never. I havent seen any papers. Ive aleady said we can discuss things, but I'm not in a rush. He wants to hurry things along so his new life can begin. That's my feeling. Before he goes back to work. Well, he can wait. I've already said your free & it'll be offical next year. He can wait & knows why.

So what does my future look like? Being strong for D3. I feel like I've mentally checked out a bit, but will do my best. MIL says she'll help. She loves it here. I don't have my mom. Once I'm feeling better about this, I might ask my auntie to come. My moms sister. She's been though two divorces, and a few other relationships. Three kids. I have one.

So what does my future look like? A job with benifits. I know I have my plan to get back into dental. Just not sure I'm ready mentally.

Signing off. Tired eyes.


~Never Give Up~
2019
BD Mar
Apr-Nov(H away @ sea/work)
BD June
Nov H home
Dec A ow/xgf
2020 Jan H wants D
H flys back to ow
March D signed..NOT filed!?
1 m 2gther Covid
April 22 H back to work
Re: Today and Then there will be Another [Re: CanBird] #2881974
01/23/20 12:49 PM
01/23/20 12:49 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,498
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DnJ Offline
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Good Morning Can

I have been following along. You are getting lots of good advice from many caring people.

For what itís worth H has the hallmarks of MLC. I believe he is in a crisis. He displayed such confusion about coming home, seeing his child, etc... And Iím sorry for that unprofessional diagnosis; a straight forward affair looks different. MLC is a horrible destructive force.

Originally Posted by CanBird
He gets a fairytale. I hate this sitch.

Itís ok to hate your situation. You didnít ask for it, you were force onto this path. Feel the anger and hate, just donít get lost in them. Work through them. Grieving takes time.

And Hís path is not the fairytale you imagine it to be.

Originally Posted by CanBird
I am seeking a lawyer. I don't know of one that'll do a free consult, but I'm taking the steps. We can probably do this ourselves., uncontested. Hooefully we can come to an agreement. We've talked a little. I need to think about what's next. Someone posted here to think what my future will be. I know what it's like to be without him, so guess I'm lucky I already know how that feels. What I thought could be saved isn't happening. His journey is walking into the arms of another. That's what he wants. He"s been on that journey.

Yes! Get a lawyer.

Great if you see this could be resolved uncontested. Still you need a lawyer. Do not be talked out of that.

Can, H is confused and doesnít know what he wants. ďHis journey is walking into the arms of another. Thatís what he wants.Ē No, thatís just what he is doing. He is more running away from something than towards something. And none of that has anything to do with you or D3.

Take the focus off him and his path. Place it firmly on you and D3.

Get the business side resolved. With all his country hoping you need protection and security.

Leave H to his path. Give him to God.

Walk your path with D3. Focus on you.

Originally Posted by CanBird
What is my journey? Single mom. I'll be 50 next year. There's more to it of course. One moment at a time.

Your journey is going to be amazing! Seriously.

I was in such a dark pit of despair after BD. Months and months I tormented myself. Eventually I saw the light. Time and focus.

This situation you find yourself in is horrible. No question. It is also an incredible opportunity to see the world differently. To discover you. What your deep convictions are. Your beliefs and values. To truly find peace and calm in your life. And to learn the art of forgiving. That is an amazing journey.

You are in good company here. Lots of good people.

You are not alone.

DnJ


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S22 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Today and Then there will be Another [Re: CanBird] #2881978
01/23/20 01:08 PM
01/23/20 01:08 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,557
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HaWho Offline
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Can - sorry to hear this.

You will survive this and come out stronger the other side. You are the prize. Square your shoulders and hold your head up high.

Focus on you and your daughter. Post often as all are here to support.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Re: Standing to Save my Marriage Alone pt 5 [Re: CanBird] #2882026
01/23/20 06:07 PM
01/23/20 06:07 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
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kml Offline
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Quote
H has been paying off his debts. That bank account has barely anything in it. We do have another which he hasnt touched.


Ok - so he's decided, without your consent, that joint funds would be used to pay off the debts? You do know that in a divorce he might have been made to take more than 50% of the debts? You're already getting screwed.

Take 50% of what's left in the accounts and transfer it into an account in your own name.

And no, don't do this divorce on your own. Don't be penny wise and pound foolish. He needs to pay child support to the age of 18 and put college fund contributions into an account he can't touch. He needs to pay for life insurance on his life that YOU own to cover that child support if he dies. He needs to pay sousal support until you get back on your feet. He needs to pay his share of childcare. he needs to split the equity in the house or give you the house in exchange for something else. You are entitled to half his pension or retirement savings accumulated during the marriage.

Yes, tell MIL about his affair. He probably hasn't and she deserves to know the truth. No need for you to cover up for him. No need to make a drama out of it either. Just a simple - "this came about because he's been having an affair, I had hoped to reconcile our marriage but he's unwilling to do so."

Get a lawyer, borrow money if you have to, but make sure you get a fair settlement because this is about your daughter's quality of life going forward. Also - if he's moving to another country, how will you enforce things like child support? I would try to get as much upfront as cash or property because he could just bail on all his obligations once he's living in that other country and you might have little recourse.

This is complicated and your age makes it more so, as you have less time to make up enough income to support your retirement. You NEED a good attorney.

Re: Standing to Save my Marriage Alone pt 5 [Re: kml] #2882057
01/23/20 09:14 PM
01/23/20 09:14 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,660
Southern Maryland
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CanBird,

Everyone has given you sage advice...the advice kml has provided is golden. Read and reread what she has posted. Definitely take 50% of the money from the other account and put it in an account w/your name. You are entitled to that 50%. If you don't, he may very well take all of it out to pay off debts.

I do agree w/DnJ, he is in crisis and he's one confused puppy. He is doing the exact same things that my xh did before he flew the coop to be w/his affair partner. He is trying to clean up loose ends because he's feeling guilty for what he's done and is trying to make things smoother in his escape to fantasy island.

You need to go after everything that you and your child are entitled to and it needs to be put in writing by a lawyer...the sooner the better. You need to strike while the iron is hot because they do tend to flip on what they promise in the beginning. He is desperate to escape and will say and do anything to get you to agree to his terms. Don't agree to anything w/o a lawyer looking things over.

I would definitely speak to the MIL about this situation and be up front w/her. No sugar coating this situation.

We are all here for you. Post as often as you need to.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Today and Then there will be Another [Re: CanBird] #2882070
01/23/20 10:57 PM
01/23/20 10:57 PM
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CanBird Offline OP
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~J~ Heading into see lawyer. Will stop by bank to get my own account.

It feels strange to be doing this, but here we.

This is for D3 xo


~Never Give Up~
2019
BD Mar
Apr-Nov(H away @ sea/work)
BD June
Nov H home
Dec A ow/xgf
2020 Jan H wants D
H flys back to ow
March D signed..NOT filed!?
1 m 2gther Covid
April 22 H back to work
Re: Today and Then there will be Another [Re: CanBird] #2882075
01/23/20 11:54 PM
01/23/20 11:54 PM
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Make sure your name is off the credit cards

If he is in MLC,, they get worse, so what you see now may not be the worst part yet
They do rack up debt and then more debt
some will leave the LBS and kids with nothing
they are more focused on the new life


From here on in it is a business deal..
Once he leaves again, he may be unreachable
make sure you will be ok

This is the toughest part
and as a single mom, it would be best to get an agreement in my opinion
just in case he disappears


D means nothing...If there is suppose to be a R, therw will be

hang in


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Today is Today and There will be Tomorrow [Re: CanBird] #2882095
01/24/20 08:16 AM
01/24/20 08:16 AM
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CanBird Offline OP
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~J~ Consulted with a lawyer today. Got a bank account in my name. Had a fun morning with D3 & MIL.

H left at 8am this morning. It's after 10pm & he's not home. Today I text briefly our plans. He replied. MIL shared & let me read there text messages from today. A depressing day for him? Kind of sounded like it. He also sent me two job openings.

I'm so tired & feeling good.


~Never Give Up~
2019
BD Mar
Apr-Nov(H away @ sea/work)
BD June
Nov H home
Dec A ow/xgf
2020 Jan H wants D
H flys back to ow
March D signed..NOT filed!?
1 m 2gther Covid
April 22 H back to work
Re: Today is Today and There will be Tomorrow [Re: CanBird] #2882096
01/24/20 08:43 AM
01/24/20 08:43 AM
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 599
UK
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Westo Online
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Well done Can,

The way you are handling this and taking the reins, proves that you are going to be absolutely ok!

Re: Today is Today and There will be Tomorrow [Re: CanBird] #2882102
01/24/20 11:52 AM
01/24/20 11:52 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,498
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DnJ Offline
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Good Morning Can

Nice to see you handling the business side and enjoying D3 & MIL.

As others have said treat Hís wanting to leave as a business deal gone bad.

I do have experience with a MLCer and their generously guilty negations and deal making. I agree, strike while the iron is hot.

Getting something in writing and legalized will bring calm in the ďhow do I afford my life, raise my daughter, and so onĒ department. There is a large relief with the end of financial worry about what might happen or not, and once custody is settled. And by the way, I think full custody for you is highly probable. I mean he is away at sea for 7 months a year, itís almost an automatic kind of thing.

DnJ


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S22 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
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