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Hi Yail, I have read bits and pieces of your threads. I don't know if condolences are appropriate in this situation, because you seem pretty okay with what has happened. As FS mentioned above, sadness, acceptance, optimism. Perhaps 'congratudolences' are called for in this instance? I enjoyed your description of your apartment - the baking, the knitting, the enchiladas. Warmth and cosiness and peace. Your life sounds very full.


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Thinking of you and your wonderful little apartment. Love your assessment of the bar tending job. Sounds like a fantastic opportunity to be social and meet new people. (((HUGS)))

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Thank you all for your notes. I really appreciated the simple act of acknowledging the fact that I am processing this. It made a difference and I thank you for it.

I've been down with the flu, and feeling a bit like garbage for over a week. And now I'm in this kinda depressive funk and I can't figure out if it's the divorce finality, or my sickness. Things just look bleak.

I know logically that nothing is bleak. I have wonderful adventures ahead of me, but I can't see them right now. This isn't like me. And I think the fact that I have no energy makes everything just feel harder. Even my great love - cooking & eating - feels like a terrible chore that I don't want to do.

****************

I'm in a funny place when it comes to my thoughts on dating, and it's on my mind a lot. Overall, I don't feel lonely. I like my solo life and I get social time at work. But there is the obvious missing of being close to someone - both physically and emotionally - that has me a little down these days. So I pause and consider dating. And I just don't want someone in my life in that intense way. I don't want to build a R where it leads to (years from now) co-habitating and being with one another all the time. I want my space, I want to work on buying a house that is MY house, and I don't want distractions from that. I don't want anyone else interfering. I don't want anyone impacting it financially.

I realize this is a cart before the horse situation. Which is why I can't figure out why my feelings about dating are so visceral and strong. I could, if I wanted, be very open about just wanting something light and casual. Coffee dates and the occasional hike kind of thing.

I think it has something to do with being partnered for so much of my life, and that XW was very much the leader in determining our lifestyle. I just feel like now I want every decision to be mine. I'm feeling wildly selfish in this, with zero desire to compromise on anything. I'd rather be solo and own every decision than partnered and figuring it out together.

Some days I feel like there is no one out there to date that would suit me. It's strange. Why would I think that? I just haven't met them yet, that's all. I remind myself that next semester maybe there will be a hot new professor who has just moved to the area - or maybe I meet someone through a friend-of-a-friend situation. It only takes one day for life to change. I just have to keep being social and before I know it I'll meet someone who doesn't make me overthink it.

I think maybe I just need something new in my life. A new hobby or activity will bring a new perspective. Hobbies cost money. So I'll need to do some thinking on what it is that will bring a spark of newness into my life.

*************

Well, one exciting thing is I get my tattoo on Friday. Nice big floral piece on my upper thigh. I'm nervous about seeing the design - what if I don't love it? I'll have to wait for a redesign, and I'm just so ready to get this. But the artist has such an amazing portfolio I'm sure it will be great. SIL is coming with me and we'll get some brunch first. I took Friday off from work just because I could.

It's going to be so sexy. I can't wait.

************
Right now all I want is to travel. Anywhere. Two hours away for a change of scenery would do. But my budget is so tight that I have my weekly Trivia Night beers budgeted, and my grocery budget is at $125/month. So I'm left feeling antsy and annoyed and stifled.

This is all the flu talking. I'm just cranky down to my bones, doing nothing but watching endless tv. I'm sure I'll be feeling better soon.

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Awww Yail. Sorry to hear you are feeling down in the dumps. That happens when we get sick, I think. We lie around feeling crappy with nothing much to do but think. Not unusual for those thoughts to be somewhat on the negative side. Just know that, this too, shall pass. You just have to hang on until it does.

That’s a pretty tight budget you have there. I can see how it would feel restricting after awhile. Ever consider getting a roommate to offset the cost of living. I lived with roommates when I was single. My favourite roommate was actually a guy that I knew from pool but wasn’t a close, close friend. I liked it because he didn’t have any expectations of us being besties and hanging out 24/7 but we hung out from time to time and it was nice having someone else in the house at night. On Sundays we would go down to the local coffee place and sit outside chatting with whoever else showed up that we knew. I look back on those days with a lot of fondness. Splitting the bills with someone also gave me lots of freedom to go places that I maybe couldn’t have done if all my money was going towards monthly bills.

Anyway...just a thought. I know that roommates aren’t for everyone.

(((HUGS)))

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Thanks DV. I'm trying to be patient, and I'm quite sure that 90% of my mood is related to the sickness. I'm almost over it - I'm hoping my mood is the last hurdle. I think today I need to get some fresh air.

I go back and forth on the roommate idea or cheaper apartment idea. If I want to buy a house I have to be realistic about it - I need to slash my costs and earn more money and the only place to cut is housing. At the same time, I want to live by myself. So I'm trying to figure out which is more important to me, because it's a decision I'm actively making by living this solo lifestyle in my high-rent town.

But also I just barely settled into my cute little apartment, and I like living here by myself. I'm in a desirable neighborhood, and I think I want to stay through summer. I'm in walking distance to the lake and parks and bike path and work. I think it might lead to a really enjoyable summer with free outdoor entertainment. That part is pretty cool!

My budget forcasts show it loosening up in April, so I just need to be patient. January I had three family birthdays, so with dinners and gifts it was an exceptionally hard month (but I did it!). My tattoo is an obvious luxury, and that's part of the budget tightness, but I have some money earmarked. And March is when I have a couple once-a-year bills due. But April I have actually budgeted a bit of savings, so I'm trying to stay firm until then.

Part of this is me needing to prove to myself just how resilient and tough I can be. Resourceful too.

In October the plan is to go back to Italy, this time with my mom. She has never been. So I have until then to earn the extra money I need to not dip into savings for the trip. I need my focus and drive back.

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Look at you and how different that post was!!! You’re looking forward to some things and can see the silver lining in the clouds. Now that’s the Yail we know and love!!! BTW...you don’t need to prove that you are resilient and tough... you just ARE!!! (((HUGS)))

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Yeah...and I just took a walk down to the water which helped. It looks cold smile First time I could breath without panting and gasping for air in about 10 days.The cold air and sunshine helped my mood a bit. Stupid exercise. I never do it.

I'm trying so hard not to whine, but I really feel whiny. I realize how good my life is despite the temporary restrictions. I'm trying to look at everything I have - which is so, so much.

So tonight I'm going to clean my apartment, make turkey kofta, and maybe try to make some naan. My appetite is starting to slowly peek its head around the corner, so I figure I'll make some yummies to encourage it. I'm going to very intentionally NOT watch that famous sports game that is on tv because that is the benefit of my being single.

And maybe I'll play video games like the adult that I am. With a huge mug of tea that sounds like the perfect way to kick this sickness that just wants to linger.

Who knows. Maybe tomorrow I'll see my work crush. That always helps my mood.

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And it just gets better!!! Sounds like a great evening to me Yail! (((HUGS)))

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Guys, I am just DYING tonight. Tomorrow is tattoo day.

It's also a snow storm, so I'm crossed fingers that we don't need to reschedule last minute. I can get to the studio (I'll walk the two miles if I have to), and I hope my artist can as well.

Sis-in-law is supposedly coming too for moral support and fun girls-day. We're gonna do breakfast first, then studio. She comes from 20 minutes away by car, and roads can be bad. But she has 4-wheel drive and isn't flinching, so I think all will proceed as planned.

I'm getting nervous and amped up. I've waited for this for about a year, solidifying the idea and layout in my mind - really checking in with myself to see if I want it. In some ways I'm not a tattoo person. The permanence actually gives me some anxiety, but the aesthetic is very Yail. This one I just need to do, and I don't have the same anxiety about the permanence.

I haven't seen the artist's design, so I'm hoping it's love at first sight. That's what I'm most nervous about. I trust her, I LOVE her portfolio, but also I won't proceed unless it's perfect for me. I want it to be perfect for me so I can have my perfect tattoo day.

I've already picked out what I want to order from the breakfast place. I haven't been out to eat in so long due to budget that this is a real treat day. Plus I finally have my appetite back after last week's flu, so I'm REALLY excited for something decadent. Might even get a cinnamon roll to go. (cue Beth Stelling's stand-up "Upfront 2018"). Should I be this excited about breakfast? Ummmmm yes.

And then? Well I guess the smart thing is to stay home for the rest of the day due to the roads. Perhaps SIL and I will play some video games together. Prosecco and video games sounds like a pretty awesome snow day to me.

And then Saturday perhaps we'll watch my brother play hockey. Gosh, I love them so much. My bro and SIL are seriously my favorite people in the world. We just get along so well, we have similar hobbies, and they have welcomed me into their life in a way that probably wouldn't be the same if I was still partnered.

Ok, I'm going to try to keep myself together tonight and to get a good night's sleep. Cross your fingers for me that tomorrow is as awesome as I want it to be.

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Yali, I haven’t posted on your thread before, but I just want to say this snow day sounds amazing, and I hope you absolutely love your tattoo. And definitely order the cinnamon roll to go!


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