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A Message from Michele
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Re: H wants to UI s to have alone time. I feel sick. [Re: CanBird] #2881843
01/22/20 04:36 PM
01/22/20 04:36 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,236
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kml Offline
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Yes, I wondered whether he was fixing up the home anticipating selling it, or just to rave you in goods shape to assuage his guilt. Do you have a sense of which it is?

Things you need to consider financially (this part is pure business, keep your emotion out of it):

1) If heís expressing guilt and generosity, strike while the iron is hot - this rarely lasts long.

2) Consult a lawyer ASAP . Knowledge is power.

3) You need to be the owner/beneficiary of a term life insurance on him that would cover the next 15 years of child support and college expenses for your daughter if he dies. Ideally he would pay the cost of this but you would make the payments - you canít trust him to keep up the payments on something so important. There are also tax benefits to being the owner of the policy rather than just the beneficiary, I believe.

4) Consider carefully where you want to live. Do you want to live in your current town as a single mom? Are there job prospects and social supports for you there? If yes, could you live with D in the small rental and rent out the house to pay your mortgage? If you only want to live there short term, donít take on the house - home prices are high right now, and another drop in the housing market could trap you there in an underwater mortgage. If you donít want to stay there, do you have family you want to live near? Family nearby that can help out would be huge for a single mom.

5) Do you have a good career to return to, or do you need to be getting an education so that you can get a good job that will sustain you and your child?

Re: H wants to UI s to have alone time. I feel sick. [Re: CanBird] #2881854
01/22/20 05:19 PM
01/22/20 05:19 PM
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kml Offline
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And honey - I know this is super painful right now. Two things to remember:
1) Getting divorced doesn't mean reconciliation cannot happen in the future if it's truly meant to be. Right now though this is about protecting yourself and your daughter financially.

2) Your life is yours! You can make of it whatever you dream. No negativity from H to worry about. I learned to play the drums in a pop-punk cover band at 53 when my ex left and have since played vibraphone and glockenspiel as well as snare drum on tour with my best friend who is a professional singer/songwriter. Rent the movie She-Devil for a funny tale of living well as the best revenge. Make a vision board with pictures of the things you would love to have in your life and put it where you'll see it every day. It may be hard to see it now, but there are ways in which your relationship with your H has been holding you back - now's the time to step up into your life! (My ex, who thought HE was the musician in the family because he could strum a dozen Neil Young songs on the guitar that he learned in college, must be MYSTIFIED that I played a concert in Central Park last year with many famous musicians lol).

Re: H wants to UI s to have alone time. I feel sick. [Re: CanBird] #2881855
01/22/20 05:24 PM
01/22/20 05:24 PM
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,185
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Gerda Offline
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Can, do take care of yourself with a good lawyer and protect your D. Get all your finances secure and separate and focus on what is best for her -- including keeping your house for a while, if that's what is best. I didn't do that becasue I was so focused on waiting for my H and not participating in a D that was against my beliefs and I am now in an endless mess trying to fix that.

And I think that being strong about protecting yourself is a boundary that in the long run can actually help your H move through MLC. I wish I had done that. It's hard to do it without getting angry but it's possible, esp if you can go no contact.

But I just want to chime in in a Gerda way to tell you that D is HIS solution, but that doesn't mean it's THE solution to this crisis. It's your choice if you want to stand through divorce; it's not his. He will say and do a lot of things to get you not to stand, and you have to live your own life and GAL and find joy, but if you want to wait and outlast it, you can do that. You don't have to lose hope in a restoration while you do everything possible to protect yourself legally and financially and while you figure out a life for yourself that is going to either be for some years or for always. I don't know anymore if I could ever restore my M, even if my H became a thousand times the man he was before MLC, because of how evil he became during the D; but I am try to stay open to listening to what God wants for me.

Here's a metaphor for ya -- My H dropped my insurance and it took me a long time to get insurance again. So recently I have been catching up on dental work for a lot of terrible teeth that got worse in the interim. I had a crown put in, and I was in excruciating pain after because the dentist hadn't adjusted the crown for my bite. I had to go to court the next day and was at another unpleasant task the day before and the pain got so bad I was almost crawling to the dentist. I was literally sobbing on the chair, it was that bad. I wanted at all costs to avoid a root canal, but that day I was in so much pain, the dentist encouraged me to consider it. I asked her if it was dangerous to wait to see if my tooth root would heal, and she said it was not dangerous and gave me painkillers and antibiotics. I waited. I talked to my tooth root and told that little root that it was okay to heal, and I prayed too. I told myself that I was lucky to have care and medicines while I had pain, and that the pain was not as bad now. And a week later, I am okay, no root canal needed.

That's what standing is like. You will find ways to manage your pain and to set up your new normal. You will have moments of joy and moments of devastating pain, including right now. Right now what you are feeling is the worst, but trust us and keep telling yourself, my DB friends said it would get better. And once you don't feel like your heart is going to rip your chest open, and you start healing and noticing that you are still you and that your life is still your life, you can decide whether you want to keep standing or not.

(((((CANBIRD)))))) YES SHE CAN!


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Re: H wants to UI s to have alone time. I feel sick. [Re: CanBird] #2881856
01/22/20 05:30 PM
01/22/20 05:30 PM
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kml Offline
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Yes, don't make the mistake of thinking that if you're "nice" to him in the divorce negotiations, he will come back. I've seen way too many people here shoot themselves in the foot financially doing this and with no result. Think of your daughter and all the resources you will need to raise her on your own, and fight for them. Women generally come out in a worse position financially after a divorce than men do, so don't be a doormat. And like I said, if he's feeling generous right now, strike while the fire is hot!

Interesting that he invited MIL then did this while she was there. I wonder, did he tell her first? Did he want her there as a buffer? Will she say anything to him? Usually blood is thicker than water but if you and your MIL get along well she might be on your side. It never hurts to have in-laws that still support you.

Re: H wants to UI s to have alone time. I feel sick. [Re: CanBird] #2881859
01/22/20 05:35 PM
01/22/20 05:35 PM
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Canbird -

Just stopping by to offer support. So, so sorry it's come to this. I can't add anything the others haven't already said, so take what the others have said to heart - protect yourself and your D financially. See the paperwork as only a business transaction. Listen to Gerda's words on standing. The emotional component of separation and divorce is an entirely different business.

I'm sorry if I missed this in your posts, but do you have family living near you? Get all the support you can find, try new experiences, and do all the things that you love.


Hugs,

Grace


M: 56
H: 57
S: 22
D: 20

H Moved out: 10/1/18
Its ALL Out [Re: CanBird] #2881866
01/22/20 05:48 PM
01/22/20 05:48 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 510
HI
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CanBird Offline OP
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CanBird  Offline OP
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HI
J~ Last night H & I went out on a date of sorts. H said he has papers, has seen a lawyer & wants to proceed. I asked if MIL knows. Apparently she knows EVERYTHING.

After said outing with H, before we got in the door, I asked H if I/we could tell MIL his plans of wanting a D. My eyes were swollen from crying, it was obvious something was up. He said he was okay with MIL knowing. Her & I spent the rest of the night bonding. I didnt let on I knew what she knew (according to H), but she is aware of what H wants.

Well folks. I'm off to work.

Cheers & here's to whatever will be.


~Never Give Up~
2019
BD Mar
Apr-Nov(H away/ wrk)
BD June
Nov H home
Dec Aow/xgf
2020 Jan H wants D
H flys to ow
March D signed..NOT filed!?
2gther 4 Covid
April 22 H back to work
Oct 22/20 D FINAL
Re: Its ALL Out [Re: CanBird] #2881874
01/22/20 06:54 PM
01/22/20 06:54 PM
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 600
UK
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Westo Online
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Posts: 600
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Well, all I can say is.........

Youíre a better person than me.

Re: Its ALL Out [Re: CanBird] #2881898
01/22/20 08:01 PM
01/22/20 08:01 PM
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((((Can))))

I know it seems awful now but after they move out and the D is final
It is easier

No more worrying
No more wondering
no more waiting unless you choose to wait

You have the opportunity to make peace with him so hopefully he will feel free to connect with D

Do follow the advice and get the financials in order asap

The Mlcer will promise the world to LBS and then take everything he can
Dont trust him..get the L in place

Hang in there
The other side is way better...


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Re: Its ALL Out [Re: CanBird] #2881925
01/22/20 11:51 PM
01/22/20 11:51 PM
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 435
Australia
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scout12 Offline
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I'm sorry you didn't get the outcome you were hoping for, Can. The story of your life contains many sentences. The end of your marriage doesn't have to be a full stop. It might just be a comma, and there may be more words to come yet.

You are handling this very well and your positive attitude will carry you through this process.

I wonder if MIL knew that there was an OW. That's quite a betrayal if she did, IMO, especially as she has been so kind and caring towards you.

It might help to think about what you want your post-D relationship with H to look like. No contact, smart contact, grey rock, amicable, friendly, friends?

Put your feelings aside for now as best you can and work out the cold hard details. You and H are no longer a team working together for a mutually acceptable outcome. Figure out what you want your post-D life to look like for you and D3, and go after it with the full support of the law.


W32
X30
S2

June 2019 | Runaway husband
May 2020 | Legal separation
Xmas 2020 | Divorce hearing
Today and Then there will be Another [Re: CanBird] #2881971
01/23/20 12:03 PM
01/23/20 12:03 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 510
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CanBird Offline OP
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CanBird  Offline OP
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HI
J ~ Someone here asked if MIL knows about OW. I didnt come right out and ask. I'm sure H painted a lost love story for her. I'm not sure this is a MLC; might just be an affair. He wants something different (as in a whole new life in a whole new country with his ow/lost love). He gets a fairytale. I hate this sitch.

MIL has a ticket home. But said she can return. I don't really want to have my family here. They can't give me the help I need like MIL can. As awkward as it may seem, she just wants to help us move on.

H has been paying off his debts. That bank account has barely anything in it. We do have another which he hasnt touched. Feeling horrible. Once I find that one friend to confide in, it will get easier.

I am seeking a lawyer. I don't know of one that'll do a free consult, but I'm taking the steps. We can probably do this ourselves., uncontested. Hooefully we can come to an agreement. We've talked a little. I need to think about what's next. Someone posted here to think what my future will be. I know what it's like to be without him, so guess I'm lucky I already know how that feels. What I thought could be saved isn't happening. His journey is walking into the arms of another. That's what he wants. He"s been on that jouney.

What is my journey? Single mom. I'll be 50 next year. There's more to it of course. One moment at a time.


~Never Give Up~
2019
BD Mar
Apr-Nov(H away/ wrk)
BD June
Nov H home
Dec Aow/xgf
2020 Jan H wants D
H flys to ow
March D signed..NOT filed!?
2gther 4 Covid
April 22 H back to work
Oct 22/20 D FINAL
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