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A Message from Michele
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Re: Help with WW [Re: Jac12] #2881542
01/20/20 07:11 PM
01/20/20 07:11 PM
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IHCLACS Offline
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Originally Posted by Jac12
OS2 - having access to her phone/passwords on social media doesn't mean that you have to check. It just means that she's willing to be transparent as she EARNS that trust back.


Thanks Jac12 that's what I was trying to convey. Effort, initiative, willingness. The person who has blatantly and intentionally done something wrong should be the one to make the effort and willingness to comply. If it were me? I would just start over. It would take a lot of effort and hoops for them to jump through to earn my trust back. Don't care what reason, justification, of narrative they present for why they did what they did. But that's just me. Been there done that bought the t shirt too many times over.

Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2881543
01/20/20 07:11 PM
01/20/20 07:11 PM
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AnotherStander Offline
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Originally Posted by OS2

I agree, she can't come back until she proves she isn't in contact any longer with OM, end of. And AnotherStander - I know I don't know anything. There could be anything else going on for all I know. And she is still reluctant to end comm which is not a good sign but she knows what the score is regarding any R.


Good, I'm glad you're keeping things in perspective!

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W's done a terrible thing and I'm not over it. And it'll take considerable time before we can get past it.


Very sorry you're going through this. What a gut punch that must have been! Was there any remorse from her over this, or was it more like "I just wanted to disclose all this so I can go ahead and move back in." It should be the former, but sounds like the latter.

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Wouldn't this be starting again with the wrong intentions? Treat her as a kid and ground her? She has destroyed my trust but I don't want a marriage where I have to do all that, and don't want a W who isn't going to cheat again *just* because she doesn't want to get caught.


That is an understandable reaction, and one we've heard many times before. But here's the thing- she completely destroyed your trust and she has to be COMPLETELY transparent to earn it back. As Jac said this isn't about you checking all her accounts every hour, it's her making a good faith gesture that she will be open with you and allow you to check for your own peace of mind. It is the least she can do. Believe me, if a cheater is truly remorseful they will gladly allow the LBS access to everything to earn their trust back.

By the way, my XW came to me after we had been married about 5 years and disclosed she had racked up 2k in credit card debt. She knew how much I hated CC debt and avoided it like the plague, so she was really guilt-ridden about it. She offered to funnel all purchases through me and have me "police" her to show how remorseful she was. I told her that no, I didn't want to be her parent, and I trusted her to follow the right path. We worked together to pay the debt off and went on from there. Almost immediately she started accruing debt again and did not say one word about it. It went on another 8 or 9 years and was around 15k by the time I found out. Here's the moral to the story- you simply cannot just sweep it all under the rug and tell her you trust her to change, because she won't. There MUST be accountability from now on.


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2881644
01/21/20 01:00 PM
01/21/20 01:00 PM
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OS2 Offline OP
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Quick update. W has deleted her social media and wants to come to see me and formally remove OM communication. She has suggested MC too. Ive asked her to organise it. Says she is scared of coming back and me not being able to get past it or telling her to leave after trying to take her back. Ive said I feel our R is moving too fast given how raw it all is shes suggested I have some space and well work it out at a more relaxed pace. Positive steps. W says she misses me/us and thinks about me all the time.

Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2881645
01/21/20 01:10 PM
01/21/20 01:10 PM
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IHCLACS Offline
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Sounds like you're handling it at the right way and at the right pace on your terms

Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2881647
01/21/20 01:21 PM
01/21/20 01:21 PM
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Steve85 Offline
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Originally Posted by OS2
Quick update. W has deleted her social media and wants to come to see me and formally remove OM communication. She has suggested MC too. Ive asked her to organise it. Says she is scared of coming back and me not being able to get past it or telling her to leave after trying to take her back. Ive said I feel our R is moving too fast given how raw it all is shes suggested I have some space and well work it out at a more relaxed pace. Positive steps. W says she misses me/us and thinks about me all the time.


Certainly those are positive steps. What makes me leery is that you haven't witnessed the withdrawal from OM. In both of my sitches that was there. If you haven't seen that then it means that likely she hasn't ended it.

WWs like to take things underground. I've mentioned, I thought, in your thread before that the secretive nature of hidden As are one of the romantic draws to them. "I have a secret" is something that a lot of people get off on. It is what makes an illicit addictive. Many As have been ruined by the LBS finding out, or it being made public. Sometimes, the WS will make it look like things are ending, when in reality they are just going deeper undercover. WWs are notorious for wanting their cake and eating it too.

So be vigilant. Trust but verify. Make her do all the work. But until you see her go through A withdrawals, as hard as it is to see your W hurting over another guy, be very wary.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2881663
01/21/20 02:14 PM
01/21/20 02:14 PM
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Originally Posted by OS2
Quick update. W has deleted her social media and wants to come to see me and formally remove OM communication. She has suggested MC too.


Great, I would suggest you allow it but make it clear to her that this is only one step in the process towards reconciliation, not the only step! As Steve said, she is going to grieve the loss of OM and be tempted to reach out to him again. So the biggest tests are yet to come. Heroin addicts will often say they are done and ready for rehab and they are ready to turn over a new leaf.... right after they've had a hit. But after a day without a hit? Oh then they just need one more hit and THEN they'll be ready for rehab. The longer they go without the worse things get and the more convinced they become that THEY MUST HAVE ONE MORE HIT until they hit bottom and start working on themselves for real. It is much the same recovering from an OP addiction. She needs to go through all that before the recon can really get off the ground.

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Ive asked her to organise it.


Perfect.

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Says she is scared of coming back and me not being able to get past it or telling her to leave after trying to take her back.


Don't try to convince her otherwise, she SHOULD be scared! Just listen and validate. "That sounds frustrating, is that how you feel? I can understand why that would be difficult for you to go through."

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Ive said I feel our R is moving too fast given how raw it all is shes suggested I have some space and well work it out at a more relaxed pace. Positive steps. W says she misses me/us and thinks about me all the time.


Great, all good signs and you are handling things really well. Nice job!


Me: 59 w/ S17, D23, D26
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2881670
01/21/20 02:29 PM
01/21/20 02:29 PM
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OS2, I don't have much advice, just wanted to comment that I am really following your thread. I'm hoping my thread goes in this direction at some point in the future. Thank you to all the veterans posting advice here!

Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2881681
01/21/20 03:55 PM
01/21/20 03:55 PM
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OS2 Offline OP
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Thanks all. Still staying sceptical but feeling better about the direction of travel. Should I be approaching things any differently now things are beginning to turn or should I be sticking to my guns and continue DB'ing? I'm still fun, GAL etc but I'm engaging in more and more conversation because we're both finding that helpful but there is mainly a lot of validation and listening. I'm aware OM being cut off may leave an E hole where he has been - should I aim to fill it while she transitions or let her get over it herself? W maintains it is not a big deal, just that she is losing a friend and supportive person to talk to but I will never be sure of that. MC was her idea - never yet mentioned by me as I didn't think we were ready - which I was pleased about. W also said she is worried about what my terms might be (even though I have mentioned a few things since I found out), which suggests she thinks there is some way to go.

Last edited by OS2; 01/21/20 04:00 PM.
Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2881684
01/21/20 04:04 PM
01/21/20 04:04 PM
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Originally Posted by OS2
Thanks all. Still staying sceptical but feeling better about the direction of travel. Should I be approaching things any differently now things are beginning to turn or should I be sticking to my guns and continue DB'ing? I'm still fun, GAL etc but I'm engaging in more and more conversation because we're both finding that helpful but there is mainly a lot of validation and listening. I'm aware OM being cut off may leave an E hole where he has been - should I aim to fill it while she transitions or let her get over it herself? W maintains it is not a big deal, just that she is losing a friend and supportive person to talk to but I will never be sure of that. MC was her idea - never yet mentioned by me as I didn't think we were ready - which I was pleased about. W also said she is worried about what my terms might be (even though I have mentioned a few things since I found out), which suggests she thinks there is some way to go.


Let me reword your question and you can tell us if it makes logical sense:

"Hey guys, I've been doing X, Y, and Z and its been working. Should I stop doing X, Y, and Z?"

As far as the empty hole.......you cannot fill that. Sorry. She has to go through the loss.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Help with WW [Re: Steve85] #2881686
01/21/20 04:32 PM
01/21/20 04:32 PM
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OS2 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Steve85
"Hey guys, I've been doing X, Y, and Z and its been working. Should I stop doing X, Y, and Z?"

Thanks, well put.

Originally Posted by Steve85
As far as the empty hole.......you cannot fill that. Sorry. She has to go through the loss.

Thanks, should have been able to guess that but makes sense.

Last edited by OS2; 01/21/20 04:34 PM.
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