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DaB35 Offline OP
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Thanks Joejoe, I've just replied:

"Hi W. All that info has been sent on. I've been advised that I have no further action to take."

I would have tried to defend the fact that I've been trying to call L in the evening but they're never in, then after I've left them a message they keep ringing me at work when I can't answer. Glad I didn't.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: May 2018
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Originally Posted by DaB35
Agreed. Very valuable thing to do. I look forward to going now!

I feel like I am AMOAFWL now. There are many things I've changed about myself and I have worked hard at all this. It's worked and that's made it easier for me to continue doing it.

There will be a time soon when we need to meet at the house to clear stuff and decide final bits like who gets what from the kitchen, shed, etc. (in other words, lots of minor items that weren't worth putting on the finance order). Probably soon. I know that I will be confident and positive when it happens. Previously I was worrying about how I might come across, but now I think I'm going to just do it and be content.

I stay up to date on a guy named Mike Posner who is pretty cool. He walked across America last year, got bit by a venomous snake, and is climbing mountains now. Your post reminded of his saying:

KEEP GOING!


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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DaB35 Offline OP
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W texted again this morning saying "Don't forget to <answer small Qs from L>. It'll really ease my stress for the day."

I already did it yesterday. She's forgotten again, or didn't read my response yesterday properly.
I simply replied "Morning. Already taken care of." I hesitated to add anything further, but resisted.

No response.

So frustrating that she doesn't read what I say. She's probably telling her friends and family that I'm deliberately stalling the sale or something similar.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
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Originally Posted by DaB35
He said W 'hates me'. I didn't really dwell on that.


This is not at all unusual. My XW "hated" me for a while too. Then you remove yourself from the equation, be the best you that you can be, leave them alone, and guess what they are still angry but suddenly they realize it's not because of you because you're long gone, and THAT is when they start working on themselves. "I blamed him for so long but now he's gone and I'm still mad and angry and upset... what is REALLY causing this?"

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He said W is "all over the place" and that "she really needs therapy." Interesting.


That shouldn't surprise you!

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How do I respond to W? Her tone was a bit annoyed as you can see. I'm sure she is probably bad-mouthing me to all and sundry who'll listen to her. Anyway, how do I respond?

How about -
"Hi W, details were sent to <housing company> on <date in December>. I CC-d you in on that. I've reminded them again and left a message."


That would be perfect. She gets emotional, you remain all business. Stick to facts. Don't validate her emotional outbursts and threats.


Originally Posted by DaB35
W texted again this morning saying "Don't forget to <answer small Qs from L>. It'll really ease my stress for the day."

I already did it yesterday. She's forgotten again, or didn't read my response yesterday properly.
I simply replied "Morning. Already taken care of." I hesitated to add anything further, but resisted.


Good.

Quote
So frustrating that she doesn't read what I say. She's probably telling her friends and family that I'm deliberately stalling the sale or something similar.


Don't waste time worrying about what you think she might be saying to others. First, you don't know that she's saying those things. Second, even if she is it doesn't matter because you are the lighthouse. She can tell people the lighthouse is a dump and it doesn't work and it's falling apart, and it's awful and horrible and blah blah blah but then people look and what do they see? The lighthouse standing tall with a nice coat of paint and shining bright as ever if not even brighter. You don't need to explain yourself, when you are the lighthouse then that is enough. Let her make a fool of herself, she doesn't need your help or intervention for that smile


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Thanks AS.

I will keep being the lighthouse in the background whilst still continuing on my own path.

I think this is the crucial thing. When I saw him earlier this week, my friend said, "You're looking well, and it sounds like things are working out for you." I agreed. I am pleased that I'm projecting that confidence and more and more people are picking up on it.

The lighthouse is quite frankly a show home right now - an energy efficient one at that!!


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
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Hey DaB35, glad you're hanging in there, gyming, and have a good head on your shoulders. Your story has definitely nudged me to be more honest about a certain topic. When my new lady asked if I'd ever watched you-know-what, I was like "YES! I actually pulled videos up for a new technique I'd like to try with you once we get intimate." That triggered questions which I left at, "Maybe you'll find out." She was screening me ("Is he an addict?!") and I was screening her ("Is she looking for a unicorn guy who never does?!")

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DaB35 Offline OP
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Hi CW - haha bet that woke her up!

It's funny - I was thinking about this the other day and just think how strange it is that in 6 months I've addressed a lot of the issues that contributed to my failings in the M and just moved away from many of those problems. It's been hard work, but I put the work in. I'm sad that W felt she couldn't be bothered to try and watch me make these changes. I just needed the right type of help (i.e. IC)

Having said that, I did lie to her. I told her - behind a well of shame - that there was no more to reveal to her. Then she discovered everything all at once, a year later. I know that would have been devastating for her. I have total remorse for that. Rather than sit around feeling sorry for myself though, I've taken this chance to grow and become a better person. Yet another person at the weekend said how well I look considering everything, that I'm looking after myself which is the right thing to do.

Right now, I'm happy with my progress and know that there is no way I'd put myself in the same position. I know now to not feel like I can't be vulnerable. It's ok to be vulnerable.

I will still be a lighthouse, and I will have my picnic outside the castle.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
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Good on you Dan!

You've really come a long way these past few months mate. Just keep being mindful of XW sucking you in with the 'it'll ease my stress' comments, as these types of comments are designed to get you hooked back into helping her.

I turned a corner recently with my XW and her sucking vortex of requests.

Keep DBing, being the lighthouse, enjoying the picnic, getting pumped and smashing those castanets.

I'm praying for you mate that she'll feel how so much has changed and come back to you. You know I've heard about recon stories (not from here) where the LBS changed so much that the energy or vibe they gave was somehow communicated to the WAW, and they changed their feelings too. Kind of like a sixth sense. So take heart in that, becuase she may be feeling you even though you've not seen each other for so long.

Go Dan!


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Thanks DS - appreciate the support.

Yes I did take note of that, "It'll make me feel better" type of comment. I suspect there'll be more coming as the D finalises (probably another month or so to go) and the house sale completes (probably in the next fortnight or so).

I'm not going to stop DBing as it's working, and I've been reaping rewards from it in other aspects of my life away from Rs.

I have heard of recon stories too. I'm not putting all my bets on that, but AS said to me earlier, "Hope is yours for as long as you want it." I like that way of looking at it. As a LBS I will simply continue to make progress, grow etc., and I know that W will get to hear about all my changes somehow. Then she'll wonder what she chucked away. I'm content in the knowledge that she won't find anyone like me again, and even more so now I've improved lots about me!


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,681
Likes: 2
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Nice post. Her seeing you walk your own path may well bring her back one day, but you may be a new person by then.

KEEP GOING!


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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