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#2881313 01/18/20 10:54 PM
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Kej03 Offline OP
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12/9/19 My husband told me he isn’t happy in our marriage. He’s interested in someone else. He wants to move on. Told me hasn’t cheated. Our sex life has been no existent for many years. I just came to terms with the some sexual trauma that happened to me when I was little. And I’d push him away instead of having sex. I’ve recently started counseling for this. In the meantime, I found he has had an affair. Now we are talking about separating so he can figure out what it is he wants. We’ve been married 20 years and together for 26. My heart is broken. I knew the sex thing had to bother him , but he never talked to me about. He just pretended he was ok with it. And now here we are. We’ve started discernment counseling. On top of it all. I think he’s going through a bit of a midlife crisis.

I found out about the affair just a little over a week ago, and keep hearing I’ll never get over it. I’ve read Divorce Remedy but still feel so lost. 😢 He’s still in the house but moved out of our bedroom, it’s so awkward right now. I don’t even know what to talk about. We have no children. He says he loves me but isn’t in love with me anymore. Says. I’m his best friend, but he doesn’t want to stay married. He’s been very wish washy. He said he wants to move out to see if he misses me and continue to work in the marriage. I’m trying to do the 180 but it’s so hard when you’re so down. Any help would be appreciated.

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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"Separation" is a puke word. He only wants separation so that he feels better about being a prick. Don't even bother discussing it with him IMO.

Discernment counseling is a big fat waste of time and money. Everyone knows how breakups go.

He's feeding you breadcrumbs, don't believe anything he says.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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I’m sorry KJ. It sounds like your H is trying to find a way to let you down easy. More than likely, he has been building up to this for a few years and in his mind, the worst is over. He’s told you and now he’s trying to gradually sneak out the door. If you want to have any hope of saving your MR, you need to double down on LRT... GAL, 180s. Fake it until you make it if you have to. I know it is hard. Unfortunately there are no quick fixes. Keep posting. It helps. (((HUGS)))

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I am so very sorry for your pain. I know this pain well. My husband had and EA/PA for two years. It was so amazing that fireworks were sprouting out of every orifice and she was the most amazing thing ever. I, of course, was the opposite. I am working on detaching as well. Keep reading DB. Keep working on yourself. Understand you are at the beginning and that is the absolute worst. They are cowards and want to "not hurt you" but have fun also. Cake and eat it, too. There are many of use here to support you. Please remember that at the end of the day it's about him, not you. He is filling his own holes with this relationship. I understand you feel bad about the sex issues, but forgive yourself and let that be part of working on yourself. Don't let him manipulate you with it. Good luck, you can get great tips and support here.


the best apology is changed behavior.
***************
me: 45 h: 48
m: 23 T: 26
DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019

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