I worked on some validating tonight and the conversation actually felt like progress. Not much but it was different.
Great! As Michele says in DR, progress is measured in baby steps rather than giant leaps.
Quote
I’m currently looking for a new Job so I don’t have to work at the same place as my wife and the OM. It is hard to keep my head on straight seeing them work together everyday. They basically share one large cubicle and work alone in their building for the first 2 hours of the day. Needless to say it is very hard to work there. I think getting out of there will help me a lot.
I agree, sounds like a good idea.
Quote
Tonight she said what is keeping her from wanting to work on the marriage is she doesn’t believe I can stop my controlling behavior. She says she has always felt she had to get my permission to do anything. I told her that I understand why she felt that way and it was not a healthy relationship that we had and I had been controlling in our marriage.
OK well that's a step in the right direction but keep in mind that validating is NOT accepting blame. It is seeking to understand and acknowledge her feelings. It's not agreeing/ disagreeing/ negotiating/ reasoning/ explaining/ etc. So she says she doesn't think you can stop your controlling behavior, you say something like "you sound frustrated about this, is that how you feel?" (seek to understand her feelings) "Yes it's been very frustrating and it makes me angry, it's been going on for years." "I hear you saying you've been frustrated and angry (mirror back) for years, I am sorry you've been struggling with this." Note that you're not saying you're sorry that you did something wrong, you are simply acknowledging her feelings and allowing her to have them. Most husbands spend so much time trying to argue and convince their wife their feelings are wrong that validation will seem like a shocking change to the wife and she won't trust that it's genuine for quite some time.
Quote
I have been trying to reconnect with her since I have basically been absent for the last couple years emotionally. Drinking too much watching too much tv being lazy. I don’t want her to leave the house with that image of me in her mind. I’m trying to be the best me for these last few months before she leaves.
That's good, just don't be too pushy or apply pressure to her. Do try and be the best you that you can be, but don't parade it in front of her like "look at how good I am now!" Do it for you and make the changes permanent. Stop the drinking, stop the TV-watching, stop being lazy. Get out and do stuff instead. NOT FOR HER though! To her it's all "too little too late." With time her attitude may change, but not in the short term.
Thank you for another helpful reply AnotherStander. Today was a down day for me hopefully tomorrow is better. It feels like my wife has been diagnosed with cancer and I’m waiting for her to die. The grief is so strong sometimes. Then I have good days where I think I’m better and I’m past it and ready to move on with my life. I truly feel like I have been going through the stages of grief but they seem to be on repeat. Wash rinse repeat. Sometimes I wish I didn’t love her it would make this so much easier. I feel like I should hate her for cheating on me, but I understand she felt lonely in our marriage for a long time and taken for granted. I know that doesn’t excuse her behavior. She should have left before her acting on anything, but I do understand it. We are all human and need to be loved. I want to know if I should try to start dating? Would that help me mentally or just cause confusion in me? She says she wants me to date. She wants me to be happy and to find someone who can give me what she can’t. But I am not sure what to do.
I want to know if I should try to start dating? Would that help me mentally or just cause confusion in me?
I started dating about 9 months after BD, I thought I was ready but I wasn't. It was very difficult emotionally. In retrospect I think I should have waited another 6 months or so. It definitely does not help you cope with things, you've really got to heal first before you start dating.
Quote
She says she wants me to date. She wants me to be happy and to find someone who can give me what she can’t.
They all say that. But that is just to assuage their guilt because what they really want is to date whoever they want while you sit at home pining away for them. If she says this to you again then just reply "Thank you for your concern but I will determine when the time is right for that."
MikeD - Sorry for what you are going through. Being ready to date is not a time thing. It’s more about where you are at mentally. For me, it happened six months after BD. That may not seem like a lot of time in some sitchs but mine was a bit unique in that my H had been absent from my life for four years so I had been “alone” a long time. Once I fully understood that and had accepted that we were truly done, I moved forward in my healing process quite quickly. I went out on a number of dates and noticed that I was not comparing my dates to my H or thinking that much about him at all. For me, that was a sign that I was ready. Everyone is different but from what you write, I would guess that you are not ready as you are still really grieving the loss of your W. You need to get through that before you entertain the idea of being with someone else. Unfortunately, there are not short cuts. The only way to get over this is to go through it. (((HUGS)))
If you are going to date, ensure you are ready for rejection too.. Don't kid yourself, it can happen.. Build up your inner strength, confidence, and if it goes south, be ready to go again...
You are going to have good days and bad days because grief has no time limit and it can affect you in many ways. As long as you are grieving, I would not date. I would keep the focus on myself. I would think about the things that I may want to change about myself and start working on them...not to win her back, but to make you a better person. I would continue to GAL, that doesn't necessarily mean going out all of the time, but I'm sure you have things around your home that you can work on to keep your mind and body busy. I would connect w/family and friends and plan some activities to do together. This is your time to figure out just exactly what you want to do now, in the present, and hopefully in the future. I also suggest that you contact a lawyer to see what your options are in case a divorce should come to pass.
In my opinion, you are not ready to date. Your emotions are very fragile right now and possibly bringing a 3rd party into the mix won't help the situation very much. What happens if your wife decides to return to the marriage and there you are now emotionally connected to a new person? Someone is bound to get hurt. Please, take the time to heal before heading out the door for dating scene. The more you heal, the better you will be to make decisions when it comes to dating.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for the reply Job. I am going to hold off on dating. It wouldn’t be fair to whomever I started dating because my heart would not be in it and I would likely hurt someone. These are confusing times for me.
You really, really need to talk to a lawyer about assets, alimony etc. Even though you dont own your house, depending on how the trust is setup there is precedence for her to claim half the future value, basically like a retirement account. You need to work with your lawyer and your parents to figure this out now. And definitely you should tell your parents because of their financial involvement. I also highly, highly suggest you inform HR about this and not let OM dictate your life. If you really want to avoid divorce and keep your wife, she has to want to. Why on earth would you expect her to want to stay with some sap that got run off by her boyfriend who she sees every day at work? And even if she gets fired, so what? Alimony even in CA will be calculated based on earning potential, and getting fired at-cause is not going to help her case in any way.
Your best bet is to knock her off her current position, because she is exactly where she wants to be right now. She spends all day with her secret lover while hubby is home washing her underwear in the house he provides for her. You need to end this arrangement now. You want to reconcile which means you are giving her the power of choice. But I would highly suggest you take strong action right now to limit her options to not include her and OM wiping the floor with you.
