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I am very much not a finisher when it comes to projects. I have piles (piles!) of unfinished knitting projects either still on needles or holding yarn. I have dozens of unfinished clothing items. But I've been returning to them and wrapping them up and just saying, "There. Look. I did it, it is complete. And it's off my list, and I can use it now". It feels very in line with my homesteading goals of making useful, productive items.

I have one sweater that needs about 20 minutes of a seam finished. Then it will be wearable and complete. The last time I touched it was the day W asked me for a D. I was working on it when she asked if we could talk, and I knew it was coming so I was making myself busy. I set it aside, turned to her, and listened. That part I remember very clearly. I haven't picked it up since then. It's a gorgeous sweater - a deep but intense purple with a subtle herringbone pattern. It's not that it brings back bad memories - it doesn't, not really. Subtly, perhaps. But when I see it in the "unfinished" pile I do remember that day. Maybe if I finish it and wear it it will start having a new association. Like the time I started it while we were vacationing (2015? Maybe?). And then returned home and ripped it out because I didn't like the sizing. And then worked on it again for years (yes, years) until it finally got to the near-finished status it is in now. And how I'll wear it now in my new life, perhaps with some cute black jeans and (yes) boots while running around campus, wearing a bright pink lipstick.

Am I attaching too much emotion or memory to an item? Maybe. But I guess that's why crafting and creation is so important to me. I make things from scratch, and they're mine, and I put myself into them.

They're not all that serious. I have a simple but cute cabled hat I made a couple months ago I call my "finish up the yarn" hat. It is 90% greyish-brown, and the very tip of the hat is navy blue. Because I was using up yarns, and saw no reason to not just finish the hat in a completely different color. They're quality wool yarns! And now I wear it all around town when I dress down in my flannel shirts. I call it my farmer outfit, because I look like a local young farmer when I wear it. I have even been known to wear it to the local hipster coffee shop with the hopes of attracting the attention of a hot local farmer and maybe start some conversations (wink, wink). Dressing the part to attract a different/specific type to flirt with? Maybe.

FS, I hope you continue to reapproach painting. Maybe you'll finish an old one, maybe you'll always start new. But the process of working on art is so important to our healing and seeing ourselves clearly through all this muck.

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I think I love my little apartment.

I was so scared to come here, because my previous experiences in apartment living on my own were less than stellar. I forgot I was also in my early 20s and it was a 20-year-old's apartment. It was cheap, I had no furniture, and I had strange neighbors.

I was so upset at not having a yard or a garden, nervous about how the rabbit would adjust, sad that the kitchen is tiny. Well, it's winter and it's frigid outside so I'm not missing anything there. The heat in this place is powerful and not too expensive! I'll be so busy this summer with work that using a yard is likely not something I'd have time for, and I hear my work has community gardens I can rent. Lunchtime gardening!! And little Miss Hopper is adorable and loving as always in her new home. I built her a new hidey-hole out of a big cardboard box and she has been adjusting it to her preferred specs by digging and chewing.

And the kitchen is tiny - that's for sure. I'm making it work. But it's a gas stove which I haven't had in forever and that part is wonderful. I just pulled out a warm sugary coffee cake.

I think the time of year reminds me of last winter when I was hunkered down and focused on my own healing. I think often of FlySolo's post to me about how the house had been my place to heal, and something I clung to post BD when W left. It's true, I needed that nest of safety and familiarity so much. But I'm amazed at how quickly I've settled into my new life routine.

I try to wake up at 6AM, though I fail most of the time. But I try. I am drinking so much less than when XW and I were together, making my mornings clearer and brighter.

****

Cross your fingers for me that I may have picked up a part time job. It would be bartending on Saturdays, which is perfect. It's too hard for me to waitress after work during the week, because shifts usually start at 3:30pm, and I work until 5 at my full time job. I could probably make it work by adjusting schedules, but I'd likely get burnt out working until 11PM, and trying to make both work. I'm hopeful that this Saturday-only gig works out, and hopeful that there are the occasional lucrative shifts.

Well, it's a place my brother frequents often, so at least I'd have some folks to talk to :-D

I've set some ambitious financial goals for myself for the year. I'm breaking them up into smaller goals with the hope of staying on track and making it possible. 2020 will be the year I develop a full plan to get my house/barn that I want.

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(((Yail))). I do so admire your one-foot-in-front-of-the-other attitude and your capacity for self-reflection and forgiveness. You really are one of a kind and have been such a great support to me and others on here Yail. I think you are wise beyond your years and I never had any doubt that you would get to the place you are at.

So happy you have found some things to like about apartment living. One of my favourite places I have lived was in an apartment that backed onto a large creek (almost a river). I could hear the rushing water at night and when I was feeling stressed, I would go out in the middle of the creek, sit down on a rock and just let the water rush by me. I could hear nothing else and it was so peaceful and amazing. That place holds such a special place in my heart.

So cool that you know how to knit. I think I may have knit a scarf in my younger days but that’s about it. Don’t remember much about it. The image you painted of you in your new sweater and your pink lipstick was so beautiful. I could see you in my mind’s eye...full of life, love and light and ready to take on the world and whatever it has in store for you. You are a force, no doubt.

Oh...and btw... I REALLY hope you find your Jaqueline!!! (((HUGS)))

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PS... the bar tending job sounds great!! I love jobs that require you to socialize. laugh

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DV - I know, right? My current full time job is social, but to have this bar tending gig is a different kind of social and I'm hopeful. I know a few folks were interviewing for the position, but I'm hoping my age/maturity/availability will win out. Plus my bro and SIL know the owners (networking for the win????)

And when I say "bar tending", it's at a brewery. No mixing drinks, literally just pouring beers for folks. Totally a lezzie magnet type place. Maybe I get a little work-appropriate flirting at work? Or maybe just get over my nerves and practice smiling at cuties. Overall I'm comfortable with myself and pretty confident, but not when it comes to other lesbians. I get all shy and run away or don't make eye contact. But flirting in the name of "customer service" could be the ticket I need for some practice. It would literally be my job, so no worries about not knowing if she was feeling the same. Just some basic practice turning on the charm.

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Originally Posted by Yail
I think I love my little apartment.


I think I love your little apartment too. A home really is what you make of it. It is a reflection of who you are. And who you are, who you are becoming, is a person who is falling in love with her life. I have in my minds eye, a vision of it. You, on some big comfy chair surrounded by yarn, knitting a jumper, the smell of fresh coffee and bread in the air, laughing out loud at some inappropriate (and curse filled) comedy on netflix. Your flat is a miss-match of furniture, throws, plants, books and magazines all beautifully coming together.

I am really really happy for you.

****

Fingers crossed about the job. It sounds perfect, brings you out of your comfort zone, introduces you to a new circle of friends, and keeps you busy on a Saturday night. It will also allow you to flex those flirting muscles. I think flirting is the wrong word btw - call it the charm initiative, because flirty can be full of expectations. I try and be 'nice' to people, start conversations, listen to their stories. There is no intent behind these interactions, just strangers sharing stories.


FS


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

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How interesting FS! On your thoughts on the word Flirty.

I think I used to feel the same as you about flirting and expectations. To flirt before when I was partnered was dangerous, I felt it would be cheating (insert hysterical laughter at my naivete). But then I made this new friend, and she is a FLIRT. Capital F. With me but also with others, both straight and non-straight women. She is married, and her W knows her personality. And just because it is part of her personality, and she owns up to it, I see it as a very non-threatening no-expectations kind of communication. She has outright said to me "Hey, if this is ever too much please let me know. It's how I am, but I don't want to make you uncomfortable".

It makes her smile, brings her joy, is a slight tug-of-war game. And then we go home after hanging out and things are chill. This is the first I've ever in my life seen flirting as just a way to have a little fun, as long as it is done in a respectful, honest fashion. And I'm starting to wonder if people were more open about flirting with non-partners, maybe cheating would be less taboo and therefore occur less? You have to have pretty great communication with your partner if you're going to hang out with friends and flirt with them, while your partner is still feeling safe and loved in the R.

It's just something I've been turning around in my head lately, and has really brought me into a space of wanting to flirt and be open/honest in my communications. You are right, of course, about managing expectations. I would never want to give someone the wrong signals, and how you described getting to know someone is in line with something I need to practice as well.


Oh, and you're pretty spot on with my apartment. Only one tiny plant (not enough natural light for more - lots of cozy lamps during the winter), but you've nailed the perpetual coffee & bread smell.

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It is official. Yail is divorced.

I was correct on my speculation that it would take place close to the new year. It became official two weeks ago and I was alerted today.

I'm glad that I learned the date is past, and not a date in the future. No anxiety of build up this way - it has already happened and took place without notice or fanfare. I'm very, very grateful for that.

My low-grade anxiety over the anticipation of this notice had been building, hence my more frequent postings and presence on these boards. I'm glad that anxiety will subside.

I found out just before leaving work, so I learned it in a place I felt secure and comfortable. I stayed late today, and decided to check my personal email one more time. I felt a bit shaky as I read it, but not too overwhelmed. I took care of the final emailed response right then and there so it was off my plate and not looming.

I called my BFF. She never answers the phone because she has a family and is busy in the evenings. I caught her and she answered! I kind of awkwardly stuttered the words. We talked for a few. I told her I just wanted to call her and say the words out loud.

so now I am at home, in my apartment. Tucked in to a huge plate of enchiladas, and slowly sipping a martini (which does not go at all with dinner, so it's on pause until I'm done). I asked myself what I really wanted tonight for some comfort. Did I want to go buy an expensive bottle of wine as a treat? Make a huge plate of dessert to devour? Visit anyone? No, what I really wanted is to turn the heat all the way up to 75 and not give a second thought to the heating bill. So tonight is my sauna night where I will be toasty warm without needing to put on a sweater.

How do I feel about W now? Nothing has changed. I am still angry at her choices. But I love her in my own way. "In my own way" is probably the most accurate description for me now. It allows me to not really know. I have something deep for her and always will but that doesn't mean I know if I would or would not want her again. I can't answer that because it's not a real question on the table. She's not a real person in my life anymore. So "In my own way" allows me to acknowledge that there is a type of love that exists, but I don't think I can define it anymore.


*******

My day ended (prior to the email) as I worked with a colleague from another department. Someone that is my senior, but we have a very good working relationship. And she periodically dips into my field of expertise, and makes decisions different than those I would make. But she owns them, and I can see what she is going for. I make different suggestions, but we always go with hers as she is the senior staffer.

And for about the third time in a row, her plans did not work out. I step in with Plan B (and a Plan C in my mind) and reinvent her work into something great. She was (and always is) grateful. I wondered if this is the time she learns to trust my expertise. Perhaps not. But our rapport is a good one, and I always leave our projects giggling to myself, just waiting for her to really step back and let me take over when our work steps into my field.

My reason for sharing this is that my day ended really, really well. I had yet another reminder I'm in the right place right now. My boss has hinted that when she retires I would be good for her job, and even said this week, "You have the ability to do it now". I've never been in a place where I had an option of upward mobility. Honestly, I've had jobs that were very poor fits, and I did very poorly in them. Who knows what the next few years brings, but at least I see one option that involves growth in my career.






********

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I don’t really know what would be fitting. Your sitch is very similar to mine, so I guess I’m trying to say I hear you.

Sadness, acceptance, optimism. It’s weird how those three can occupy the same space at the same time, but they do.

I’m sorry this has happened to you. But it has. Sadness for the past,, acceptance of the present, optimism for the future.

That is your gift to me.

Thank you


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

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Yail- I’m so happy for you that you are closing the the previous chapter and opening up another in your life. You day ended really nicely. Enchiladas and a martini.....heat turned up... nothing could top that really!! There is so much calmness coming from your words. I wish that I will have a day like yours when and if my D day comes.

Wishing you all the best moving forward.


BD: Sep 2019
D in progress
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