Came home from a weekend fishing trip to a wifeless home. No warning just 4 sentences on a note left on the counter - "I moved out to an apartment. I don't hate you. This was long overdue. I will call the boys to tell them. Sorry"
She was struggling with our youngest going away to college all summer. She would't talk with me about it. She has always bottled negative emotions our during our relationship. Our sons stay with me in the family home when on school breaks. She is distant with them and won't talk to them about it either. I've been giving her space as requested after a few missteps the first month. No EA or PA that I am aware of at this time. Main alienater or supporter is her sister who left her husband in Hawaii 1.5 years ago. There is a family history of running from problems - mother and 2 sisters have done it. Everyone who knows her is shocked. Has recently spent money on Botox injections plus a lot of other uncharacteristic behavior. She will attend mass with us (we are Catholic) and go to family dinner afterward and act as though everything is fine. Typically tells others that we weren't getting along so we separated. No D talk yet but I fear its coming so I have consulted a lawyer but don't plan on doing anything but reacting.
I am thinking MLC but not sure or if it really matters. My sons and I are devastated. I am currently standing
Taz
M57 (53@BD) XW55 (50@BD) S24 (20@BD) S22 (19@BD) Married 25 (22@BD) Together 28 BD 9/29/19 (moved out unannounced while I was on fishing trip) W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text) D final 11/10/22
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-65, D32,S31
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am sorry you are here. Whether she's in MLC or a WAW, you would treat her and your situation the same. I suggest that you visit the Newcomers Forum and look up Sandi2. She was a WAW and you may get some valuable insight from her postings.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Taz - sorry you are in this sitch, but you came to the right place for support and advice. How old are your kids? No matter what the age, it's devastating to all those left behind.
Originally Posted by Taz
No D talk yet but I fear its coming so I have consulted a lawyer but don't plan on doing anything but reacting.
Be proactive, not reactive. Take control of what you can. Yourself. You don't have to file for divorce, but get your finances in order. GAL. Support your kids. How is your W supporting herself? With the Botox etc, I'd be surprised if there wasn't another guy around, or she's looking.
Sorry about how you found out. Just a note and a wifeless house.
Her age and the boys going to college does point to some life transition turmoil. Perhaps it is not a full blown crisis, perhaps it is. Your response is the same - time and space for her; focus on you and the boys.
You mentioned that you feel she was troubled with S18 going off to college. Is he the first child to leave? Where is S20?
Looking back to the 18 to 24 month prior to BD did W show any signs of confusion, emotional reactions and stresses, etc...? These are very hard to spot while living with them. The progress to an emotional crisis or a lesser break is gradual and easily missed.
Contrary to how it appeared to you, her leaving was probably not a snap last minute decision. She had been going down this road for a while. If you look you will most likely see those little changes in her over the last year or so.
A caution for you. Do not re-write your history. This is two pronged advice.
Sometimes we will see or think we see things, and change our views of our past lives to make those pieces fit. This is usually towards making our remembered R worse than it was. Like suddenly you feel your W was a narcissist all along.
The other caution is the rose coloured glasses we all wear for the first while. One remembers things better than they really were and our history is alter towards the “it was a great R” side of things.
You are correct, this is a devastating time for you and the boys. Do not demonize W nor place her upon a pedestal - focus on you.
It takes time to find detachment and for one’s mind and heart to calm. As this slowly happens, you will remember things, real things, places, events, feelings, etc... Be accurate in thought and heart.
You have the gift of time, use it well. Look to yourself and become the best possible version of you.
As for a possible divorce. Good on you for seeing a lawyer. You are correct in getting information and learning your rights. Do not share what you have learnt with W nor tell her about your visits with a L. You need not push anything, just be ready for if she does. Treat this as a business deal gone sideways, for that is really what this part is.
The other side of your situation is not emotionless business. It is you and your boy’s healing. It is your choice to stand. It is realizing the path you have been forced upon. It takes time. And it is very rewarding.
Hope to talk soon.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks for all the sage advice. I have been on not initiated contact since Thanksgiving but do respond to her when she contacts me. I recently met with my younger sons Psychologist to get advice on how to help him deal with this. He and his mother were very close and he is not handling this well. They are not currently speaking. This really makes me sad. I also spoke with the Dr. about my wife. She has multiple issues from her late teens and suffered a bout of depression in her early twenties that resulted in an attempted suicide. She is adept at hiding her depression from others and can appear normal at work and with friends. I noticed a change in her demeanor the past year or so prior to leaving. I am concerned that she could be depressed. Is there anything I can do for her?
Taz
M57 (53@BD) XW55 (50@BD) S24 (20@BD) S22 (19@BD) Married 25 (22@BD) Together 28 BD 9/29/19 (moved out unannounced while I was on fishing trip) W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text) D final 11/10/22
Thanks for all the sage advice. I have been on not initiated contact since Thanksgiving but do respond to her when she contacts me. I recently met with my younger sons Psychologist to get advice on how to help him deal with this. He and his mother were very close and he is not handling this well. They are not currently speaking. This really makes me sad. I also spoke with the Dr. about my wife. She has multiple issues from her late teens and suffered a bout of depression in her early twenties that resulted in an attempted suicide. She is adept at hiding her depression from others and can appear normal at work and with friends. I noticed a change in her demeanor the past year or so prior to leaving. I am concerned that she could be depressed. Is there anything I can do for her?
Taz
I don't think there is anything you can do for her. You are already taking care of the home and children. However, if she brings it up to you, you could ask "Is there a way that I can support you right now?" But that doesn't mean being a doormat or giving her money. How is she supporting herself?
I would be concerned that there is someone else. Even if it is only online right now.
the best apology is changed behavior. *************** me: 45 h: 48 m: 23 T: 26 DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
She has a good job and is able to support herself. She has used the family credit card for limited expenses and typically asks me if its ok. The weird thing is she has not monstered with me and doesn't appear to be in a EA or a PA. Supposedly she doesn't speak badly about me to friends. She does give others including our sons the impression that our split was mutual (not true). People are shocked when I tell them that she left with out a word to me. She still attends church every weekend and is involved in many ministries at the church as well. Our priest reached out to her and had a face to face meeting with her. He was the one who initially suggested MLC to me. He said it was the weirdest conversation he had ever had with a woman who left her husband. She barely spoke and never actually gave him a reason why she left us. She did give my sons a note in their Crhistmas card trying to explain why she left it just basically said. "I was tired of pretending that everything was ok and I felt that your dad did not care about me anymore." the odd thing was she couldn't just tell them this. She even told them not to open the card till she was gone. The whole thing just does not make sense.
I am so confused. I think she is suffering from depression. She seems to be able to function as normal with everyone but me and our college aged sons. This [censored]!
Taz
M57 (53@BD) XW55 (50@BD) S24 (20@BD) S22 (19@BD) Married 25 (22@BD) Together 28 BD 9/29/19 (moved out unannounced while I was on fishing trip) W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text) D final 11/10/22
Well today marks 6 months since BD, the day I returned home from a weekend fishing trip to a half empty house. I’m getting along fairly well and have S20 and S19 here at home with me doing their elearning as the universities sent them home. Being a single parent is tough my hats off to those who have been doing it much longer and with younger more dependent children than what I have.
W has been fairly silent and I don’t contact her unless she initializes it. Last month I let her drop her cat off here for 5 days while she went on a Caribbean trip with her girl friends. A couple weekends ago she dropped her car off here at the house and had me look at a few issues. ( I know cake eating, but I offered and I enjoy working on cars). The day she dropped it off was my birthday. She didn’t mention it at the time but did when she thanked me later.
The virus has her working from her apartment and her circuit of fun activities are derailed for the meantime. Must be tough hanging out by yourself in the apartment while I tend to our sons and maintain a home.
She did reach out to my mother on her birthday a week before mine and they started a dialog. My mother adored her and treated her like a daughter. She told my mother that she loves my family and is sorry that she made them sad but our relationship has been bad for a very long time. This was news to me as she never told me this.
S19 had a birthday this past Wednesday. She texted me the day before asking if she should stop by the house or just drop his gift in the mailbox if he didn’t want to see her. I told her she should come by the house and join us for dinner which she did. We all had a nice visit. After she left S20 said “That was weird. She acts like nothing is wrong then just leaves. Guess we won’t see her again until my birthday next month.”
Still don’t understand what she’s going through. Still no PA, still no mention of D, or any explanation/ discussion of what is going on. We keep things light and don’t ask any questions. I know her friends have told her she needs to talk to us. They all think she is fine and don’t believe she is in MLC or depressed. Of course the three wise men here at the house know something is not right with her.
I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing. Be kind, empathetic, work on myself, raise my sons, and pray.
Taz
M57 (53@BD) XW55 (50@BD) S24 (20@BD) S22 (19@BD) Married 25 (22@BD) Together 28 BD 9/29/19 (moved out unannounced while I was on fishing trip) W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text) D final 11/10/22
