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I am 8 months out and I completely understand. Anger/Bitterness still hits me but each wave I experience is a little bit less. I am so sorry kas because I know that once divorce proceedings start it will feel like the grieving process begins from square one. I try to read and listen to the people who have been at this for a long time and believing that things will get better but I know how hard it is to trust the truth of it.


Your D went quick so I'm aiming to push mine through fast as well. If he drags his feet I'm going to push for a trial date. I already have my witness list prepared. I just want this done.

Today I started thinking about dying again (triggered by a show I was watching at lunch and talking to S19). I'm not going to kill myself but dang this is hard. I just want the pain to stop. I want to feel better.

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I don't know about you but the scariest thing for me is when/if I don't have to fight anymore. What happens if he makes the correct changes and starts being a responsible father and the children start to develop a healthy relationship with him. Will you be able to accept that and let the anger and bitterness go? So many times I feel that is the only thing I have left of someone I cared so deeply for and if I let that go there will be nothing left. You have come so far kas stay with it.


lol roosters we are married to the same type selfish people and I'm going to go out on a limb and say that its unlikely our ex's will ever have healthy relationships with our kids. I think my H likes the idea of being a great father more than actually being one. Kids just get in the way of what he wants to do which is make a lot money and screw other women.

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Look it's hard not to be bitter when he's paying me just enough money to keep me off the street while he plays big spender. He knows up until I moved I saved everything he gave me so he thinks until that is gone he shouldn't have to up his support. First of all that's not how it works. Second of all I have to pay for a D I didn't want. And lastly its not HIS money it's OUR money.

I stayed at home for 15 years raising HIS kids while he built his career from scratch. I'm the reason he's in the financial position he's in now. I'm the reason he is debt free. I have paid off HIS debt THREE times. Me. Once with my own money and two by pinching pennies with his. I baked from scratch, clipped coupons, used cloth diapers and now he wants to play lord over how much food I get. Yeah I'm pissed.

I am going to live in the ghetto (after CS ends) and I will once again save every penny he gives me. I will rebuild. All I need is an understanding judge who believes the dividends are marital money. Send happy thoughts my DB friends.

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kas99 Offline OP
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By rebuild I mean rebuild my financial security and priorities. I’m 53 and the American dream never appealed to me. I’d rather spend money on experiences than stuff.

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I'm going to buy a house. Wow I went from being terrified to rent one to wanting to buy one. Look at me grow. lol

Started crunching numbers, planning, shopping, and I got excited. Obviously this all hinges on how much support I get. I'm thinking I'll rent until at least one kid moves out and I'll buy a small house. This will give me time to save money. I'll get a 15 year mortgage that I can pay on my salary alone (worst case scenario) but my goal would be to pay it off in 10. If all goes according to plan I'll have a paid off house by the time I'm 70. At that point I could retire. Amazing right??

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Yesterday I was admiring a picture in my coworker/friends office. She commented that they had another one at this thrift store next door. Had to go to the bank and when I got back there was the picture hung on my wall. smile

I work with some amazing people which is another reason I'm staying here. We all live close by and if I had a flat tire or something they'd come pick me up. If I got a job in the city I wouldn't have this luxury. I'm sad still but I am blessed.

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<<happy thoughts >> coming your way.

I understand why you're angry Kas and anger is a great motivator. You are using it to pull you up and rebuild. Strength has many sources, one of them is the big f** you, I will get through this, even if I have to live on ramen noodles for the next 10 years. But, when it's all said and done and the anger and bitterness has served it's purpose, then let it go.

One day, 10 years from now, when you are living in the house that you own eating the food you paid for, then you will look back on this and say "him leaving was the best thing to have happened to me" and you will mean it.

Keep going, you're doing brilliantly.

I'd stay away from a large city job - cost of commute, time wasted commuting, longer hours surrounded by people who never move beyond 'colleague'. I meet new people every week but the count of people I consider friends is around 10.


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

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kas99 Offline OP
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D14 came over again last night and after 2 months of this WAH finally noticed. He snapped at her "what is her cooking better than mine??" So it has nothing to do with the part where he's rarely home? She got snippy and said "what I'm not supposed to have a social life?" He backed down.

I've been thinking about change. I've come a long way in 9 months but there is still much to be done. The changes I've made still require effort though. Will it ever come naturally? Do you think I can become the person I truly want to be? Or will I always struggle?

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Originally Posted by kas99
Do you think I can become the person I truly want to be? Or will I always struggle?


I queued in to this statement. Do you actually know the person you want to be?

This weekend, I am actually going to make a list:
1. Who is the person I want to become?
2. What are my standards that my next person must have?

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kas99 Offline OP
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Strength has many sources, one of them is the big f** you, I will get through this, even if I have to live on ramen noodles for the next 10 years. But, when it's all said and done and the anger and bitterness has served it's purpose, then let it go.


This is what my IC says. I do worry that I'll get stuck here but I have a good support group and my family. Anger will drive people away and I don't want that.

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One day, 10 years from now, when you are living in the house that you own eating the food you paid for, then you will look back on this and say "him leaving was the best thing to have happened to me" and you will mean it.


I hope you are right. Doesn't feel like this now only because its so hard. Single parent with a busy job and I just feel overwhelmed. There are good things and I cling to those.

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I'd stay away from a large city job - cost of commute, time wasted commuting, longer hours surrounded by people who never move beyond 'colleague'. I meet new people every week but the count of people I consider friends is around 10.


My friends are all here at work. There are 4 here. 1 might quit and 2 will retire in 3 years so that stinks. I need to do better in the friend dept.

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kas99 Offline OP
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I queued in to this statement. Do you actually know the person you want to be?

This weekend, I am actually going to make a list:
1. Who is the person I want to become?
2. What are my standards that my next person must have?


It's coming together in bits and pieces. I didn't like the person I was before he left. Don't get me wrong there were parts of me that were great. I'm leaving those but I have all this baggage from my childhood that I've never dealt with like codependency.

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