Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11
LH19 #2880663 01/14/20 09:35 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
K
kas99 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
Originally Posted by LH19
Hang in there K! You are getting stronger.


Peeked in your dating thread and I'm in the same head space as you today. I don't post much of those type thoughts here because on newcomers people (generally) tend to point out that my focus is once again incorrect but on the after D forum people tend to be a bit more forgiving. I don't really belong here but I don't think I belong there yet either hence why I intrude on your thread. smile

Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K - re: finances

I hope you have an order for temporary support? If not, your attorney should file one now. Also, don't be "nice" to your H in the negotiations - many people make the mistake of thinking that if they don't ask for too much maybe their ex will come back. You actually want to start by asking for a bit more than what you want so there's negotiating room. You were a team and your work as a SAHM was equally important as his.

As for your job - sounds like you've thought out the pros and cons, a lot to be said for good benefits and a 10 minute commute. Take a look at the Mr Money Mustache website and forum. It's a great place to start thinking about your finances and how to reduce expenses.

Some things to consider:
1) IF there is enough money for H to pay you a lump sum rather than alimony (assuming he makes more than you and would have to pay you alimony) - take the lump sum. My ex paid me alimony (because there wasn't enough money for him to pay me a lump sum) and his aggravation at having to send me that monthly check resulted in him sticking me with EVERY extra expense for our adult children as a form of payback. I think our relationship would have been better if he'd just had to pay me one lump sum at the beginning.

2) Don't take all your share as equity in the house. It's very tempting because no one wants to move or displace the kids, but think very carefully about whether it is the right move for you. Here's the nightmare scenario - housing prices are high right now. You accept housing equity instead of cash but still have a mortgage. A year from now you lose your job or become disabled. The house ends up in foreclosure and you lose all of that equity. OR the housing market takes a fall (it's very over-valued right now) and you have to move in a couple of years for some other reason - and have to sell at a lower price, losing all that equity. Unless you would end up with no mortgage (or a very tiny payment) and are confident in your job security where you are (and your desire to stay there after the kids are gone), I'd take cash rather than housing equity. At least consider all the options. Sometimes the judge will allow you to stay in the home with the kids until they are all over 18, then sell and split the housing equity.

3) Don't forget to get your share of any pension or retirement savings ex accrued during your marriage.

4) Stop thinking this is about you. It seldom is - it's usually about the WAS and THEIR issues. This IS, however, a great time to do a personal inventory, step out of your rut, try something new. When my ex left after 26 years, I bought a drum kit and learned to play the drums in an adult rock band class (think "School of Rock" but for grownups). I played in an amateur pop-punk band for several years, and also eventually began playing with my best friend who is a professional singer-songwriter. I've toured with her and opened for famous musicians, I now also play vibraphone and glockenspiel. Go out and do something you have always wanted to do, maybe something your ex was keeping you from with his negativity or time demands. Modeling for your kids moving on in a resilient way is the best thing you can do for them.

Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Wow, first time you've seen him since July?? That's crazy considering the two of you live in the same general area. Hopefully it didn't send you spinning all over again, sounds like you handled it well enough.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
K
kas99 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
I'm spinning and have been off/on since last Friday.

Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
K
kas99 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Wow, first time you've seen him since July?? That's crazy considering the two of you live in the same general area. Hopefully it didn't send you spinning all over again, sounds like you handled it well enough.


I am spinning and I think I know what's wrong. I'm a single parent as I have been since he left but now one of my kids doesn't live with me. He treats D14 like a pet. He brings her fast food before going back out again. She now wants to move in with me but it's going to take a few months to work that out so for now I pick her up after work and I take her home before bed. This puts me at WAH's house twice a day now. He's rarely home which is why I never see him.

kml #2880942 01/16/20 02:40 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
K
kas99 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
Quote
I hope you have an order for temporary support? If not, your attorney should file one now. Also, don't be "nice" to your H in the negotiations - many people make the mistake of thinking that if they don't ask for too much maybe their ex will come back. You actually want to start by asking for a bit more than what you want so there's negotiating room.


I cancelled the temporary support hearing back in May to "nice" him back so now I had to file for D. Now that I know there is OW, a promotion and 2nd job I'm going for everything (told you he was stupid). My state is a true fault state so I filed with grounds. Without grounds he doesn't have to give me a D. He could just say "no" and drag this out until he was ready.

Quote
As for your job - sounds like you've thought out the pros and cons, a lot to be said for good benefits and a 10 minute commute. Take a look at the Mr Money Mustache website and forum. It's a great place to start thinking about your finances and how to reduce expenses.


My pathetic budget has 10 lines. I'll get more CS and after that ends I'll move to the ghetto. Obviously this all depends on how much alimony I get but I'm bracing for worst case scenario.

Quote
1) IF there is enough money for H to pay you a lump sum rather than alimony


Not enough.

Quote
2) Don't take all your share as equity in the house.


He screwed me over. Talked me into selling the house, helped me get a job then walked out (took 6 months). This was part of our retirement plan (he just bumped it up a few years and I bought it).

Quote
3) Don't forget to get your share of any pension or retirement savings ex accrued during your marriage.


He has a pension that I'm entitled to but it is not subject to ERISA. I'm not sure how that works but like in your case this number dilutes the longer he works. He hasn't been served yet so I'm not to this point yet but I am aware.

Quote
4) Stop thinking this is about you. It seldom is - it's usually about the WAS and THEIR issues. This IS, however, a great time to do a personal inventory, step out of your rut, try something new.


Everything feels like it's about me because as I'm realizing in IC he kept me in the one down position. He "saved me" and since I wasn't grateful or good enough he left. Blamed this all on me and I can't get it out of my head.

Right now, 3 months after largely cutting me off financially and finding out about the OW, I'm struggling to get through the day. I'll do better then I crash. Right now I'm crashing.

Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
K
kas99 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
S19 is aspergers and gets worse when stressed. He started back college this week and his anxiety is up. My house is small and it's louder now with D14 there everyday. We've always had big houses so this is a big adjustment. WAH is never home so D14 is going to move back in with me. S19 was okay with this but with the added stress he's upset. He doesn't want to move.....again but he has to. D14 is my kid too and her current situation isn't okay with me (or her).

Until WAH brings his R out into the open he will stay gone. He was gone when I picked D14 up, home when I dropped her off. She forgot her watch so I took it back. He was gone and it was 10:30 pm.

Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 921
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 921
((Hugs))

I can’t offer much advice, but I’ve been there (still am) but it does get easier. I promise. You’ve come so far since you started here,m. I hear strength (and a little anger and bitterness, but mostly strength. You should be proud of that.

X


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
K
kas99 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
Originally Posted by FlySolo
((Hugs))

I can’t offer much advice, but I’ve been there (still am) but it does get easier. I promise. You’ve come so far since you started here,m. I hear strength (and a little anger and bitterness, but mostly strength. You should be proud of that.

X


I'm 9 months out from BD and the anger/bitterness hit in one week (mid Nov). I'm taking that anger and fighting for me, my kids and their pets. He almost got away with all of this but he's stupid. Moved a mile away and forgot our kids aren't babies. In one month they found out about the OW and the promotion. I filed the next Monday.

Called Chancery court and he hasn't been served yet. I'm trying not to worry.

Last edited by kas99; 01/16/20 05:03 PM.
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 239
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 239
Quote
I'm 9 months out from BD and the anger/bitterness hit in one week (mid Nov).


I am 8 months out and I completely understand. Anger/Bitterness still hits me but each wave I experience is a little bit less. I am so sorry kas because I know that once divorce proceedings start it will feel like the grieving process begins from square one. I try to read and listen to the people who have been at this for a long time and believing that things will get better but I know how hard it is to trust the truth of it.

Quote
I'm taking that anger and fighting for me, my kids and their pets. He almost got away with all of this but he's stupid. Moved a mile away and forgot our kids aren't babies.


I don't know about you but the scariest thing for me is when/if I don't have to fight anymore. What happens if he makes the correct changes and starts being a responsible father and the children start to develop a healthy relationship with him. Will you be able to accept that and let the anger and bitterness go? So many times I feel that is the only thing I have left of someone I cared so deeply for and if I let that go there will be nothing left. You have come so far kas stay with it.


Last edited by rooskers; 01/16/20 07:06 PM.

1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard