Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11
jstrembr #2880426 01/13/20 07:37 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Originally Posted by jstrembr
I am not at the point where OS2 is, I hope I get the call someday that my wife wants to move back in and work on our marriage.

I feel like this advice is a bit conflicted. On the one hand you want to be confident and show you are so confident you don't need to check up, but the fact is she lied and cheated on you. So there has to be some transparency from your wife correct?

I always felt like if I were to get to this point one requirement I would have is my wife would need to share all her passwords with me. I wouldn't check up on her all the time, but the ability for me to do so should exist.

So is it just a balancing act of making sure she knows you have a need to regain trust, but also you are confident she has now chosen you and so you need to not be constantly worried about it?

I'm just asking as I sure hope to be where OS2 is at, and I want to be prepared if it ever happens.


js, if you read my sitch you will see that in August my W had a slip up. I found emails that she had exchanged with a guy where they were then meeting up on an online game. She admitted that their conversations had deviated into the inappropriate territory at times.

js, this is where my DBing, right from the get-go this time, went into affect. My handling of this was completely different than it was the last time. I let her know it was unacceptable. That I wasn't willing to share her with other guys, even online. That if she wanted to continue doing that then I didn't want to remain married to her.

Her demeanor was completely different. She was repentant and apologetic (after initial defiance when first confronted). She took all pictures of herself off of the online games. She gave me all passwords to all accounts, left all of her devices unlocked, offered up complete transparency.

My attitude was that I didn't want a W I had to keep an eye on. I didn't want to track her, her devices etc. I was over that.

You see, here is the thing js, if your spouse cheats and lies, and then agrees to full monitoring, are they behaving themselves because they love and want to be with you? Or because the are being watched? We often say that you will know when they are back committed to the MR when their behavior is consistent over a long period of time. You don't have to be tracking them 24/7 to see it.

So if you want a defiant teenager for a W that you constantly have to monitor, then go for it. If you want a W that you can trust, then you will do what AS said and sit back and make them do all of the work.

You'll never be more attractive to your wayward spouse as you are as you are walking away.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
OS2 #2880430 01/13/20 07:52 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 78
Likes: 1
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 78
Likes: 1
That makes a lot of sense! Thank you Steve, I really see where you are coming from now.

OS2 #2880830 01/15/20 08:00 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 96
O
OS2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 96
Thanks for the comments. Had a long chat with W yesterday over message and she talked through a lot of marriage issues, and how terrible she feels about losing her way and how much she regrets the A. She said she hates herself for it and doesn’t know why she went through with it. She went over to OM’s tonight after the gym to formally break it off. I said I want her to have nothing further to do with him and never see him again. She has complied. Didn’t like her going to his tonight one bit but didn’t force the issue, she’s done that on her terms which I didn’t object to so that she could end it formally (although I was obviously suspicious). She maintains she went back to friends a while ago although I have no idea whether I believe that.

What should I be doing now? She is allowing herself to be tracked location-wise, is very sad and angry about the A, has broken off with OM (hopefully). I’ve read before on here you will “know when it’s time for her to come back”. What should I be looking for? Still cuts me up to think of the betrayal but really want to build a new foundation. It will still take me a while to forgive.

Last edited by OS2; 01/15/20 08:01 PM.
OS2 #2880859 01/15/20 09:10 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Be very wary. It is pretty soon for her to be hitting bottom, often when a cheater has an early epiphany like this it doesn't take hold. They'll break up with OP and then resume contact in a few days or weeks except go even deeper undercover. Are the two of you still living together? If you're separated then don't allow her back right away. She should be going to counseling to help her resolve her issues. IC at first, then MC for both of you. Don't stop DB'ing!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
OS2 #2880862 01/15/20 09:15 PM
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 616
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 616
Right now, it is very important for you to remember one of the golden rules... Believe nothing she says and only half of what she does...

It's easy for the LBS to believe the things you mentioned in your last post, because that's what they want to believe more than anything. As was mentioned earlier, it is not uncommon for the WW to say they are cutting off contact with the OM and then just become more secretive about it...

Tread easy, take it slow, and keep DB'ing. You got this...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
OS2 #2880953 01/16/20 03:35 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 96
O
OS2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 96
Thanks both. Last night we had another long messaging session when she got back from OM’s. She said the OM could have been anybody and taking him out of the picture was easy and she wasn’t really bothered about it. W also said she could get round being tracked if she so wanted but it was over a while ago with OM anyway (which seemed to me she didn’t value the idea of having a false location to hide behind). She’s said before she wanted companionship, to be listened to and to feel attractive and she felt she had to get that elsewhere. She said the actual problem is us and how we’ve treated each other over the last year - not giving each other what we need. She said she has wanted to come back so much but is scared in case we’re not good for one another and we repeat how we haven’t been making each other happy this last 1-2 years. She said she feels sick to not be with her H. I wanted to see her after the chat so went over and stayed with her at her parents (who are out of town) but there is still a mental block on anything physical. I think she has to make the emotional decision first. She said she’s sad that she currently doesn’t want to do anything physical and that it’s not a linear process even though there are still deep feelings. I go away with work soon and there was talk of her making a decision whether to move back in while I’m away.

I’m of course still sceptical given the past 2 months but I do believe she is trying to work through it. I’m still confident we will resolve.

Presumably I should keep DB’ing, and reading through the rules right? GAL etc. And love is a waiting game right? Would like to throw a little romance in here and there but think I need to keep a healthy distance while she figures all this out.

Last edited by OS2; 01/16/20 03:40 PM.
OS2 #2880957 01/16/20 03:47 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 96
O
OS2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 96
... there was also talk from her of what would have to change that I missed in the above. Having more of a voice, being more of an equal partner,being valued and listened to.

I want to show her I would make her happy and fulfil what she needs of me. Yet I have to continue GAL and let her decide for herself through my actions right? That’s what I meant by throwing in some romance.

Last edited by OS2; 01/16/20 03:50 PM.
OS2 #2880959 01/16/20 03:51 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Sorry, but GOING to OM's to break it off? Really? That can be done over phone. Text. Email. USPS. Carrier pigeon. I personally feel this is all a ploy. Do you know how long she was there? You see, I think she knew you'd see where she was and made up the "I went over there to break it off". DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING SHE SAYS!!

Of course it is easy to get around being tracked. She can go to his place and leaver her phone home.

Originally Posted by OS2
She went over to OM’s tonight after the gym to formally break it off. I said I want her to have nothing further to do with him and never see him again. She has complied.


She has? How has she complied, because she said she is complying? See my all caps comment above.

OS2 you are believing her.....because you WANT to. Here is the real question, what are you still providing to her that she is afraid to lose? Money? Are you paying for her phone? Car? Other things?

OS2, this gives me all a bad feeling, that you are being played. She says:

Originally Posted by OS2
Had a long chat with W yesterday over message and she talked through a lot of marriage issues, and how terrible she feels about losing her way and how much she regrets the A. She said she hates herself for it and doesn’t know why she went through with it.


But then:


Originally Posted by OS2
TShe said she has wanted to come back so much but is scared in case we’re not good for one another and we repeat how we haven’t been making each other happy this last 1-2 years. She said she feels sick to not be with her H. She said she’s sad that she currently doesn’t want to do anything physical and that it’s not a linear process even though there are still deep feelings. I go away with work soon and there was talk of her making a decision whether to move back in while I’m away.


OS2, if she really wanted what she says, she'd do it. None of this makes sense.

Remember, when she wants to come back...YOU WILL KNOW. When she doesn't, YOU WILL BE CONFUSED.

Do you know or are you confused?

Last edited by Steve85; 01/16/20 03:51 PM.

M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
OS2 #2880960 01/16/20 03:53 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Also, how is engaging her in these long messages and going to her parents to stay, DBing exactly?


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
OS2 #2880970 01/16/20 05:10 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 96
O
OS2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 96
I knew I'd get stick for the way I've handled it over the last couple of days. I just really believe her. She's not that good at lying. She told me about going to OM's to break it off and informed me before she went. When I asked her to never see him again she said she knew she needed to do that and didn't protest. I didn't insist on her doing it remotely because I wanted to allow her to formally end it on her terms so there could be no excuses. She was there about an hour. You're right Steve85 I don't know for certain whether she has complied. Should I be asking her for proof of no numbers or contact with him on her phone? Do you think she is directing attention away from him by concentrating conversation on our marriage and saying he's disposable? I'm sure she knows if I discover that there is likely no way back.

I'm not paying for anything, she is standing on her own.

I think I am a bit confused though yes. Either I am plan B (and she might even be still seeing OM) or at least in no rush to make any decisions or she is genuinely hurt and bruised by the last year where neither of us prioritised each other's happiness and she fears that coming back will revert to more of the same and be good for neither of us. She said last night she worries I will hold this over her, become controlling and boss her around. (I do realise this could be a good deflection technique to persuade me not to ask to see her phone etc because it would suggest I may do that in future)

Do I make demands on seeing her phone and proving there is no contact etc ongoing? Should I detach and then ask for that when she makes contact?

Last edited by OS2; 01/16/20 05:15 PM.
Page 5 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard