Scott, I thought of myself as selfish and I believe W saw me in the same light. After reading NMMNG and doing self reflecting, I learned that I put myself at the bottom of priorities. I'd hurry home from work every night to spend time with the kids for their benefit or to alleviate W of her stresses. I went in the office instead of working at remote locations to give them space at home. I'd ignore my friends for more family time. A lot of this was done out of fear of how W would react or how the kids would turn out if I was around less.
Since BD, I've gotten selfish and you know what...it's great. I feel good from exercising, have more energy and my interactions with the kids while less, they are of higher quality. Mentally after reading books, my communication has improved, my friendship strengthened and I made two new friends. Being selfish is helping those around me.
Take the time, be selfish.
My W while still on the fence has noticed and mentioned the changes, which I am doing for me now and not her or the marriage.
See what happens if you give yourself the time and focus. Bring your thoughts inward. This will increase your attraction in all kinds of ways. Hard to change the mindset and I still struggle yet it is doable and worth it for you to give yourself time and mental energy.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Obviously I’m trying to work this out, and I don’t know if this is the best forum for that but I’m recording my thoughts and feelings here, I guess because some folks on here have provided some interesting ideas and thoughts.
I’m just really struggling with the idea that my wife says I put myself first ahead of her and the kids. But I read the NMMNG book and he constantly says I need to learn to put myself first, which I don’t think I do at all. So her words and my feelings don’t line up, this creates cognitive dissonance and confusion.
I’m asking myself, am I selfish? Do I put myself first already and would doing more of it only make things worse? I’m really torn and confused. But I’ll keep reading, maybe I’ll come to a conclusion I can use.
Believe nothing, NOTHING, she says. That means nothing.
You're making the classic LBS mistake of taking what she says at face value. You know whether or not you did what she accuses you of. She is making excuses for her actions. If it wasn't that then it would be some other made up crap to try to justify her actions. Don't fall for it. You listen and validate. Go read the latest post on R2C's quote thread. AS explains perfectly what validation is and is not.
But stop taking her words as spears to the heart. She's in lala land right now. She wouldn't know the truth of it bit her on the nose!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I’m just really struggling with the idea that my wife says I put myself first ahead of her and the kids. But I read the NMMNG book and he constantly says I need to learn to put myself first, which I don’t think I do at all. So her words and my feelings don’t line up, this creates cognitive dissonance and confusion.
I’m asking myself, am I selfish? Do I put myself first already and would doing more of it only make things worse? I’m really torn and confused. But I’ll keep reading, maybe I’ll come to a conclusion I can use.
I get it! This resonates so much with me and what I went through after BD. After BD we all beat ourselves up to the point that we question everything about ourselves and the way we've been living our lives. But here's the thing Scott, your W is engaging in rewriting of history. She wants out of the M, and she has created a narrative built on truth, half-thruths and outright lies to support it. She's blasting this narrative at you to "explain" her irrational behavior and lay the blame firmly at your feet. And to make matters worse, she probably believes the whole mess. She HAS to believe it because the alternative is that SHE is the problem, and she is not ready to face that demon yet. So here is what you must do:
1. Listen and validate. As I preach here often, validation is NOT accepting blame. It is merely listening to her feelings and acknowledging them. It's a way of letting her know you HEAR her and you ACCEPT her feelings even though you may not AGREE with them.
2. Evaluate her complaints. Are you really a terrible dad or a couch potato or an alcoholic or whatever? If you're not sure then seek out IC and discuss it with them. Keep in mind her claims may be greatly exaggerated or just outright false. She's in a fog right now and her fog prevents her from seeing clearly. So you have to sort out the truth from the BS, which is where an IC can help. Come up with a list of 180's that you think would benefit you and those around you.
3. Implement your 180's from above. These are life changes for YOU. She will see them as tricks at first, that's why you have to do it for you and not her. Stick to them long enough and she will come to believe you really have changed, and that might attract her back. But even if it doesn't you will be a better person for the effort.
4. Give it time. You need time to work on yourself. Your W needs time to sort out her thoughts and feelings. How much time? A lot. Sometimes a turnaround can happen in less than a year, 1-2 years is more likely, and especially in MLC 2+ years is the norm.
Time will drag by at first, but when you are years down the road you will look back and think it all transpired rather quickly. It's been almost 8 years post-BD for me and it all seems so distant and fuzzy now. So much has changed in my life since then. I thought my life was over after BD, and it was. THAT life was over. But it wasn't the end of the novel like I thought, there were many more chapters after that one. Beautiful, fulfilling, colorful chapters that I never even imagined before.
Also I completely agree with Core on making "you" time. I'm not sure I would really call that being selfish though. This is your life, if you spend it all serving others then you lose yourself. You become beta. An alpha takes time for himself because he understands that in the long run it benefits him AND those around him.
I just read the 8 signs that someone is in a relationship with a gas lighter and it literally blew my mind. It was like the author, Preston Ni, was messing with me.
And LH, it’s the conversation from last Sunday. I already wrote about it. It’s just rattling around in my head.
She asked for my list of things that “were wrong with her.” I said intimacy and empathy. It was not that straight forward, the conversation started with soft start up. I mentioned that sometimes I feel like she hypocritical. Anyhow, she wanted examples and I said i didn’t want to talk about it at home.
Scott, this is a key time to listen to how your partner feels and what actions are upsetting them.
Originally Posted by "ScottB"
I began making dinner about 60% of the time and more from there. Now in November she quit her job without anything lined up and she still wants me to make dinners, help out around the house, drive the kids to school and activities. She plays tennis twice a week and is working to change careers because she says that if she doesn’t work things don’t work for our family (she claims that I don’t respect her and she doesn’t have an equal say when she doesn’t work).
It doesn't sound like you respect her as a stay-at-home partner. You pointed out she's not working and "still wants [you] to make dinners, help out around the house, drive the kids to school and activities. She plays tennis twice a week." I'm not there to observe and say if she's lazy (and you'd be right not to respect her) or she's already working 7-8hrs/weekday around the home and you're expecting her to work more than a full-time job. Definitely examine why you're making dinner 60% of the time instead of 50% of the time if you resent that or expect something in return for going slightly beyond your fair share.
So we have MC tomorrow. I’m feeling angry and resentful. I can control it but I don’t want to be a doormat anymore. I wanted to talk with my divorce coach before it but he’s not available. It should be interesting. I’m real tempted to focus on being authentic, honest, and not holding back.
And I don’t mean that in a mean and nasty way. Just more honest and expressive, less concerned and reserved.
