When will I know that she wants to reconcile? Or work on things? Does she need to say she is committed to the marriage? What does that look like, how will I know? Is it presumptive or explicit?
You will know when she wants to reconcile when her actions are consistent towards that for a long period of time. Do not listen to her words. She may say she is committed to the marriage, but do her actions reflect that.
As far as what it looks like, or how you will know. Trust me, you WILL know.
We have a saying around here: "When your spouse was to come back to the marriage you will know. When they don't you will be confused."
It will be explicit. You won't be able to miss it. It will look a lot like it did when you were first getting together.
However, it is kind of like a watched pot. It won't boil while you are watching it. So again, take the focus off of her. Put it on you. Make yours kids your priority, and GAL, improving and detaching your next priority. Give her time and space to figure out her own stuff.
You got this Scot!!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I agree with Steve that if she wants to recon you will know.
Having said that I don't see that happening for a really long time. Right now she has zero incentive to work on the marriage. Michelle talks about relationships being a like a see saw and when one person is working on the relationship the other one isn't. My guess based on your writings is that for the majority of the relationship you were the one in control. Well guess what, the one who cares the least is the one in charge and she isn't going to give that power up anytime soon.
I lived your life and it is exhausting. Just know that whatever happens life will go on and you and your kids will be just fine.
Thanks for the conversation. I really appreciate it. This is really tough to go through and I’m trying not to take all my friends and family through it so i appreciate you taking time to write.
Thanks for the conversation. I really appreciate it. This is really tough to go through and I’m trying not to take all my friends and family through it so i appreciate you taking time to write.
Thanks.
yeah, I can understand that. In my sitch I told no one. There are good reasons for not sharing everything with people, especially if R is ever a possibility. Telling everyone how horrible she is, then trying to get them to accept her again if you get back together becomes problematic.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
So, I told my shrink that I wrote stuff. He had me read some of it and he teared up, which was oddly validating and made me curious. So I tried another piece on a colleague. She cried too. I think I might start writing more. Maybe that’s a good outlet.
Anyhow, this is something I just wrote on what it’s like to be a man. You have to be tough. And when you expose how you feel, those who see weakness come for you.
Maybe it will strike a chord with someone. Fortunately this is relatively anonymous risk feels low.
And there is a picture to go with it but i couldn’t get it in here.
Sorry to go off topic.
The Joker’s Box ————- She doesn’t think I feel. None of them do.
Haha, I laugh, the jokes on you.
It’s here inside, so full there’s not much room. So full of all of it.
More than you could know. More than you could stand.
Oh I laugh, for you to think the steel cold runs deep and through, it just isn’t true.
You’re a fool.
It’s here.
So much is here.
The heat, the cold, the fury, the fear of growing old. The passion, the love, a tender warmth like sun from above.
There are daisies, waving in a field. There’s a rake, to stoke coals I believe are real.
There’s rivers of depth, deep greens and blue. And blackness, darkness, only seen by a few.
I smile, satisfied that you know for at least a while. And my heart laughs again to know that it will pass, you’ll forget, you’ll move the dial.
And you’ll wonder where did it go that sight I saw, the light I knew; but the box is locked now, for I had trusted you.
I’m reading through No More Mr Nice Guy and I don’t agree with all of it but I do think he’s on to something and I can see a good bit of this in me. On page 65 he talks about Walls. I didn’t think I had any, but when he writes about different examples I realized I was wrong. My wife has been so critical of me that I’ve built a huge freaking wall. Every time she threatens me or rejects me I add another brick. I try to look perfect so she won’t leave, I’m seeking her approval, and this has made me “vague, slippery, lifeless, and uninteresting.” It also makes me want to get sick.
Everything I read on here is about how this is all your Ws fault. Based off the information that you’ve provided about the books your W is reading she has walls up too.
You have to take down those bricks one by one. It doesn’t happen over night.
Obviously I’m trying to work this out, and I don’t know if this is the best forum for that but I’m recording my thoughts and feelings here, I guess because some folks on here have provided some interesting ideas and thoughts.
I’m just really struggling with the idea that my wife says I put myself first ahead of her and the kids. But I read the NMMNG book and he constantly says I need to learn to put myself first, which I don’t think I do at all. So her words and my feelings don’t line up, this creates cognitive dissonance and confusion.
I’m asking myself, am I selfish? Do I put myself first already and would doing more of it only make things worse? I’m really torn and confused. But I’ll keep reading, maybe I’ll come to a conclusion I can use.
