Thank you so much for the responses, very helpful and much appreciated. I intend to stand for as long as I can, for her, for the kids and of course for me. I realized my intro post is a little thin on specifics so allow me to fill in some more of the blanks.
My wife dropped the bomb late September and in hindsight I would say she was in full blown replay from early summer. I found this board early (thank goodness) did the recommended homework and was able to start DBing shortly after BD. Up until then our relationship was awesome, we loved each other very much, we were best friends and were a fantastic team.
Some background on my wife:
At the age of 11 she became aware her dad was having an affair(s). Her mom confided in her to look for support while bashing her dad. In her teens, her dad made no attempt to hide his lovers bringing them to his office (and other public places) where my wife worked part time. Her parents are still married, and as long as my wife can remember her mother has always been an emotional wreck and has been a severe alcoholic for the past 25 years. My wife has always been suspect of her mothers role in her dads infidelity. She thinks it was quite possible they had a sex starved marriage because of her. Both her parents do love my wife very much, although they are not the best examples of what a married couple should be. My wife moved out at 18 to Canada from overseas, no doubt to leave behind the mayhem. It was during this time her mothers alcoholism really got bad.
Some key background info on our marriage:
At 6 months of age our son was diagnosed with cancer and he lost his left eye. At 8 months of age he was further diagnosed with a massive brain tumor with CSF involvement. We were told to take him home and enjoy him as he only had weeks maybe a few months to live. We were approached by a wonderful doctor who had a trail treatment regime that she thought could save him. His first birthday coincide with the start of his bone marrow transplant (thank goodness we banked his cord blood from birth as we could be sure it was cancer free). For the next 8 years of his life he underwent chemo treatments in his CSF through a shunt that was placed through his brain into is CSF sack. Initially my wife and I agreed to having 2 kids, but we had a third primarily so we could bank cord blood should our son need it in the future. My wife was pregnant during our sons bone marrow transplant where she was stuck in a sterilized 10 x 10 hospital room for ten weeks caring for a one year old with no immune system. We decided to have a fourth baby primarily for the same reasons, but he died shortly after birth due to complications. We later had a healthy baby girl and now have 4 beautiful kids. Our son is truly a miracle and is now a kind, handsome and intelligent 12 year old who loves life and is prospering very well.
My wife and I got through all of this with really no help from her folks or mine (who are mess as well), we were an unbelievable team. There is so much more I could say, but the respect and love i have for her cannot be described. If it was not for her advocacy, my son would not be alive today, however that is another story.
My wife has been a rock during those trying times, there is a lot that I think she has never really dealt with. I'm standing because I have hope she will find her way.
Thank you!
P.S. I never attributed cake eating specifically to an affair/sex with other men. I was more using it in the sense that living in the same house with me affords her the conveniences of utilizing me as a babysitter, sharing household chores etc... all the while allowing her to have more time for the "single life". My wife and I have not been intimate since BD and I intend to keep it that way until she gets through this. Lastly, during replay my wife has been drinking much more. She never drinks when she is out as she always drives, but when she is at home she starts drinking before the kids go to sleep and ramps it up after they are in bad. interesting tidbit happened today, my wife left a current issue psychology magazine out in the open that had articles listed on the cover about trusting (or not trusting) intuition as well as addiction solutions. All this while having one of her worst monster episodes in awhile. She came home with my son who had as semi annual full body MRI and when I asked how thinks went she laid into me because I should have known things went well otherwise she would have contacted me. Yikes! Thanks for letting me vent, strength to you all!
Hello, I'm just wanting to share my latest experience and see if anyone can relate. Recently my MLC wife purchased a physiology magazine with an articles on addiction and intuition and left it lying about in plain site. It was hard not get excited as this was the first sign of introspection she has exhibited so overtly for me to see. Shortly after that, she ordered a book online using our joint email, the book was from Desmond Morris titled The Human Sexes. Once again not long after that, she ordered yet another book using our joint email titled, Why I Can't Sleep, A Women's Modern Midlife Crisis. There is a significance for me not only in the type of books she purchased but also that she used our joint email for these orders. She has not used this email in months for anything. The order receipts clearly stated the title of the books and were left in the inbox open for about a day before be she deleted them. I would be lying if I said if my hope wasn't replaced with some expectations at this point, however as many of you can imagine things are not working as I was expecting. In fact her pendulum has been swinging further out to each side. She has been Replaying harder, her monster is meaner, her depression is deeper and her touch and goes kinder. With the wisdom of this board I always knew I was just starting my journey, however her introspection has made me feel that she has regressed even more and my journey is infinitely longer that I imagined despite some good signs.
Sounds like she knows that there is something wrong w/her and she is attempting to self diagnose her problems. Not being able to sleep is a symptom of depression. When all is quiet in the world, their minds can't shut off and they are thinking about what they have done in the past and what they are doing right now to us and they do actually feel ashamed and guilty for what they are doing. They all know something is wrong, but don't want us to help them or suggest that they see a doctor. The best thing to do is to not say one word about the books. If she talks to you about it, just listen...do not whisper one word about what you have learned about MLC and depression.
It's all part of the journey for them and yes, he monster will come out to play and become nastier when something isn't going her way. The best thing to do is leave her to her situation and observe from afar. Her journey has taken off and there are going to be good days and bad.
This is a marathon, not a sprint and her crisis could last a long time. So, dig deeper for patience and keep the focus on you as much as possible.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My wife also bought the Why we can't sleep book. I finished it before she did. The book doesn't discuss the nature of MLC from past issues. It blames MLC on being a generation x individual that has different stresses in their life compared to others. Blames jobs, perception, expectations etc. There is a chapter on perimenopause that does discuss hormones and suggest getting help with that.
My wife wanted me to know she read it, she told me one night when we were drinking. I did not respond. Her take was that parents of generation x kids raised their children different than we do today. She actually told her mother about the book. Her mom got super defensive as in don't blame your issues on me.
Hopefully the introspection is positive forward movement.
Yes, I finished the books before she did well. You are right the book doesn't really seem to talk about MLC as we know it, but rather mid life stress. I would compare it to some saying they have a migraine when it's regular headache. The premenopausal stuff is good info and there was just a little info on infidelity and projection onto spouses. For me it's the fact that she is reading anything with the words MLC in it it's one baby step in the right direction. Thanks for the advice job, as much as I would like to, mum is the word on the books. Hopefully she keeps reading and discovering!
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Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
