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OS2 #2880070 01/11/20 06:08 PM
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Yes, it's a lot to process...maybe one of the vets will chime in but maybe next time she brings it up you can let her know what you need in order to move forward. Clear and concise. Until then I wouldn't bring things up...just keep GAL and detach for now.

Do you know what you would need in order to heal and move forward towards a stronger marriage?


H 37
W 31
S 2

T: 7
M: 4

BD 12/18
Separated 2/19
Living back together 04/06/2019
W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Jac12 #2880074 01/11/20 06:23 PM
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Your w will need to end things completely w/the OM and I am not just talking about an affair, but the emotional one as well. That means no contact w/him and the saying "we are just friends"...don't buy into it. That statement is used quite often by the wayward spouses. She has a lot of work ahead of her to regain your trust. She will need to be transparent in all of her texting, emails, etc. If she can't agree to that at some point, then she's still got issues w/the OM.

It's going to take a while to get your relationship back on track and you cannot do it alone. She has to be willing to go to counseling and like I mentioned above, be transparent w/you as well. If you haven't done so, I would set up some IC for yourself and if, and when she's on board, she seek out IC and later move on to MC. However, as long as he is still in the picture...she won't be working on the relationship w/you.

I wouldn't attempt to have another relationship discussion. If you continue to bring up the OM, sure she may tell you she'll end it and then sneak around behind your back. It's a thrill and a challenge to keep secrets like this from the spouse. The less you say for now, the better. Step back, give her space and time and allow her to come to you. Try to keep the focus on you and your life.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
OS2 #2880085 01/11/20 07:22 PM
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Thanks job/Jac12

Been quite an eventful day and I’ve probably not handled everything that well. I got about 2 hours sleep max last night and went to the gym this morning as part of my GAL (on 0 food because I couldn’t eat anything). We got everything out in the open last night but tonight she came round and I set out what would need to happen going forward. She talked about OM in much more depth this time including things he has done which she liked almost as if to transfer those approaches onto me it felt like. She said she has read up on advice online and agreed that she will cut off all communication full stop with him. She says they are just friends currently but will still cut him completely. W said OM is just another man but I’m special to her.

Jac - I’ve got a list of things I want for me, her and us both. We went through the list and they all were agreed upon. Lots to work on and I feel I need to remain detached until concrete progress is made re OM but heading in the right direction. I need closure with that now. I feel like I mentally processed some of the PA due to me suspecting it but it is still tough to get your head around. Big breach of trust and hurtful. Will take time to get over, and she has her work cut out.

OS2 #2880090 01/11/20 07:48 PM
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Wishing you well OS2. I hope it all works out.


H 37
W 31
S 2

T: 7
M: 4

BD 12/18
Separated 2/19
Living back together 04/06/2019
W Moved out again 07/15/2019
OS2 #2880297 01/13/20 07:26 AM
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Thank you all. W went quiet on me yesterday while she was out. Turns out she was visiting a girl friend for coffee and just feels I’m checking up on her all the time but I talked to her about being open and she understands she has to be completely transparent. She’s enabled FindMyFriends on her phone and she is cutting off the friendship with OM on Wed.

She stayed over last night for the first time in over a month. I was torn between standing my ground on my requests and the progress of having her back home. We kissed before she left for work this morning, I initiated and she responded.

I feel entirely trapped in the middle of my feelings for her, excitement at having the woman I love back in the house again and the betrayal and feelings of sadness that I keep reminding myself of. Still feel very bruised.

My question is - how should I be acting? Naturally I want to be honest and explain I’m hurt etc. but since the A happened a while ago now she has had all Christmas to come to terms with it while it’s still fresh to me. I want to be attractive for her while she tries again though. Should I be trying to be GAL, attractive, fun etc even though I’m still hurting and she knows why? It will take me a while to fully forgive her.

Last edited by OS2; 01/13/20 07:27 AM.
OS2 #2880304 01/13/20 01:02 PM
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Steve will talk about the importance of GAL even when you reconcile. And of course being attractive is something you should strive to maintain.

If she's not willing to hear your pain and understand what she's put you through then R may be a challenge.

I assume you'll go to MC? She can't hide from the hurt that she's caused but you guys CAN move forward into a stronger relationship in the future.


H 37
W 31
S 2

T: 7
M: 4

BD 12/18
Separated 2/19
Living back together 04/06/2019
W Moved out again 07/15/2019
OS2 #2880332 01/13/20 02:57 PM
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OS, which of these two guys is most attractive?

1) Wants to talk about his pain and hurt. Walks around mopey and sad. Gets passive-aggressive when he feels that he is not being respected properly, or that his W that strayed goes dark while out. Tries to control his W and know where she is and who she is with in order to feel confident himself. Sits home and monitors his W whenever she is home.

2) Is confident that he is a great catch and that his W is lucky to have him. Walks around pleased, fulfilled, and content. Doesn't waver in that walking around confident in his self-worth no matter what his W's actions are. Is not interested in a MR where he has to keep tabs and track his W. Is busy, and has a full life to the point where he doesn't just sit home mopey begging for crumbs from his W.

After you answer, then ask yourself which one you are acting more like.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
SteveLW #2880356 01/13/20 04:03 PM
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Nail, head. Thank you Steve85.

OS2 #2880420 01/13/20 06:56 PM
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OS2, whatever your was before, she is now a lying cheater. Maybe that will change in the future, but right now that's what she is. She LIES and she CHEATS. Guess what lying cheaters do when caught, they pile more lies on top of the lies. They gaslight. "He's just a friend." "You're paranoid." "There's nothing going on." "Well we were physical once, but it was a mistake and we didn't do it again." She is telling you what she thinks you want to hear, NOT THE TRUTH. She is minimizing her involvement with OM to keep you on as Plan B. Don't believe a word out of her mouth right now. Chances are very good she is in much deeper with OM. If she says they had sex a couple of times, multiply it by 10 or 20. Seriously, we've seen this here a lot and these are the games cheaters play.

So now she says she wants to move back in to get things back on track and work on the M. How should you respond? A big fat NO. You tell her that she has a lot of work to do on herself before you will consider that. SHE needs to earn YOUR trust and respect again, not the other way around. She needs to seek out personal counseling, and then later follow that up with marriage counseling so you can discuss terms of reconciliation. And SHE needs to set that up, not you. You need to make her do all the work.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
OS2 #2880423 01/13/20 07:20 PM
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I am not at the point where OS2 is, I hope I get the call someday that my wife wants to move back in and work on our marriage.

I feel like this advice is a bit conflicted. On the one hand you want to be confident and show you are so confident you don't need to check up, but the fact is she lied and cheated on you. So there has to be some transparency from your wife correct?

I always felt like if I were to get to this point one requirement I would have is my wife would need to share all her passwords with me. I wouldn't check up on her all the time, but the ability for me to do so should exist.

So is it just a balancing act of making sure she knows you have a need to regain trust, but also you are confident she has now chosen you and so you need to not be constantly worried about it?

I'm just asking as I sure hope to be where OS2 is at, and I want to be prepared if it ever happens.

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