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A Message from Michele
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Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2880004
01/11/20 01:54 AM
01/11/20 01:54 AM
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Jac12 Offline
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Keep up with GAL...take your time and do your best to listen more and speak less (not saying you aren't doing that now).

You need to know she's serious so give her time to prove that and expect there to be bumps. You don't have to decide this right away so don't rush it.

I woudn't believe her when she says the PA ended a month ago. She was caught and she's going to try and massage the truth as best as you'll let her. Let her talk and then take your time to process things.

Let her prove to you that she wants to work through this...the vets will provide more.


H 37
W 31
S 2

T: 7
M: 4

BD 12/18
Separated 2/19
Living back together 04/06/2019
W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Re: Help with WW [Re: Jac12] #2880005
01/11/20 02:01 AM
01/11/20 02:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Jac12


Let her prove to you that she wants to work through this...the vets will provide more.


Thanks Jac12. I feel like I want to limit any further damage and ask her to break off any relationship with the OM while I process. Is that a good idea?

Last edited by OS2; 01/11/20 02:02 AM.
Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2880008
01/11/20 03:05 AM
01/11/20 03:05 AM
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Jac12 Offline
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If she was serious she'd break off the relationship...I personally don't feel like she is there yet. Just my gut.

As for the damage - I just don't see that it works like that. Of course YOU'd like to limit further damage to YOUR ego but you can't control her actions. If she wanted to limit the damage she'd be acting accordingly.

Be patient, focus on yourself and GAL and let her sort out her mess. She has to realize that SHE is the one missing out on you.


H 37
W 31
S 2

T: 7
M: 4

BD 12/18
Separated 2/19
Living back together 04/06/2019
W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2880012
01/11/20 04:19 AM
01/11/20 04:19 AM
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Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I am older but my wife is your age.

I think trying to force anything with the OM just makes her reach out to him more. I am new here so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I can that happened with me. I pushed the our own relationship, etc, and it just pushed her farther away.

I agree with Jac12, she has to decide on her own that she misses you and you will know when she has made that decision because she wouldnít continue to be friends with him.

Re: Help with WW [Re: jstrembr] #2880020
01/11/20 08:10 AM
01/11/20 08:10 AM
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Thanks both. Jstrembr I read your thread, you sound so thoroughly decent Iím sorry youíre here. Sounds classic where your W is emotionally fulfilled somewhere else but still has love and respect for you and her head is confusing her. Hang in there.

For my situation, I donít want to take my W at her word right now and still feel extremely dubious but my W has been doing a lot of things in preparation for moving back in and I see that a lot of the things sheís done over the last 2 months since she left (outside the A) are on ďfixing thingsĒ so we can have another shot at marriage. I think her plan was delayed for moving back in due to guilt etc but she says she has been coping with that slightly better recently. She assured me last night that the A was 3 weeks in November and she stopped it and moved out to come to terms with it. Again Iím dubious but it matches the other things I know to some degree (with probable overlap). She said last night it was a mistake and that she was hoping Iíd never find out and we could move on but there were too many clues to ignore.

We need to talk more and I need to entirely detach for a bit but I was wondering if she wants to work on it should I give her an ultimatum or present her with what I would need from her (no contact, etc) or should I wait for her? Iíd really like to tell her I want her to have nothing to do with him but there is an EA there and I donít want to push her towards it. Sheís got to agree to it. I donít want to rush it though either. Feel Iíve got time to reflect and come to terms with it now. I might be in control of the timeframe finally.

Last edited by OS2; 01/11/20 08:14 AM.
Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2880021
01/11/20 09:00 AM
01/11/20 09:00 AM
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Iíve personally never liked ultimatums. If you choose to give her one you have to be prepared to follow through with it or else she will know you never meant it and that will set you back.

I think if she genuinely wants to work on it, then just tell her what you need. If she doesnít like your requests, especially the no contact, then she may not actually be ready to work on this.

Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2880025
01/11/20 12:37 PM
01/11/20 12:37 PM
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Jac12 Offline
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I second jstrembr above.

If you R there will be a time for you to tell what you need to be able to move forward and I would assume complete NC with OM will be one of those things.


H 37
W 31
S 2

T: 7
M: 4

BD 12/18
Separated 2/19
Living back together 04/06/2019
W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2880033
01/11/20 01:39 PM
01/11/20 01:39 PM
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Jac12 Offline
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I just went back and read your thread - is this the first confirmation you've had of an OM?

If so, don't be surprised if you aren't getting the full story. Prepare yourself for the worst as she'll likely only tell you enough to get what she wants right now, whatever that is.

Patience will be key as she needs to do the work to regain your trust. Just be cautious.


H 37
W 31
S 2

T: 7
M: 4

BD 12/18
Separated 2/19
Living back together 04/06/2019
W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Re: Help with WW [Re: Jac12] #2880034
01/11/20 01:46 PM
01/11/20 01:46 PM
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Thanks for the head up Jac12. Yes, Iíve suspected it for weeks but last night had confirmation. She only surrendered the info when it was absolutely obvious Iíd seen the whole chat history and knew. Last night we talked detail about the A but Iím nervous the EA is greater than the A and she wonít want to break it off (yet). She still thinks heís wonderful although of course I see an opportunistic little scumbag with no scruples. Iím going to ask her tonight about it and if she refuses Iím not ready to extend the olive branch. She will need to figure that out on her own and Iíll make it quite clear we canít heal or R unless that happens. She will need to rebuild my trust while I figure out if I can take her back.

Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2880063
01/11/20 05:44 PM
01/11/20 05:44 PM
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W is round now. She says sheíll end things with OM and sheís bright and chirpy like everythingís fine now. Seems that she has been carrying that weight of the A. I, meanwhile are still hurt and angry. Iím being careful not to jump back into things.

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