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Cont'...
4am... can't sleep. I wonder is H & MIL talked?

Today 5 of 10 packages arrived that H ordered after Christmas. Stuff for the house. One item, a hydrator that's big, might be for his work. Not sure. He took it to the garage. H also got a huge end of year bonus so I'm not surprised by his purchases. This isn't unusual for him to shop a lot online. Given the sitch, I'm happy to see items that he's using here. Stuff for D3. He did get 1 practial thing for me. I like practical.

I should enjoy the big bed and sprawl out. Ugh...why do we care? He feel asleep & didnt care. I should not care. Guess I've always thought of the separate sleeping a bad thing. I have a hard time sleeping with him in another room. At least he's home.

This weekend marks 1 month that he's been home. I don't linger on the what ifs or is he...but the sitch still exsists. Of course there are things I don't know about his situation. Of course I have no control over his journey. (Speaking of which, I know H has a work thing in March for a week. Refreasher training for a week. I saw the details on a work news letter. So I know he's got that). But the BIGGER picture is so out of focus. This really is a daily roller coaster ride. Hour by hour, minute by minute sometimes.

Dig deeper right? Be patient. Oh lord! , I have threenager..so I have to be patient.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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Can

It is difficult
the uncertainty of life

but it is really in so many areas
We dont know ...and even if we think we know.. do we really know
look at our M
We were sure of our H ,then one day??everything changed

I think we have to get comfortable in trusting whatever we believe in and let go of all uncertainty
of the next step
trust the process of life

He is still showing up and I suspect you will know more soon..

You are giving him this leash because you love him
and for a time, we give it to those we love, even if their behavior is not what we want
We give them the benefit..for now

Later, if things don't shift..you will make the choice


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
CanBird #2880007 01/11/20 02:58 AM
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J~ H came to bed at 2am. I worked today, D3 at daycare & Grammie made the house tidy. Not sure what H did all day, but he wasnt home when I was returned home at noon. I had to do somework on our rental (on our property) so I let MIL know. After a while I noticed H buzxing around there. All of a sudden he hadthings to do over there. I was inside, he was outside. I pretended not to notice him. I did my thing & he would text me messages about what he was doing & photos & another little thing he did for our house. I did not reply, until he had a question. This was an experiment for me. I also kept things short & sweet. Not oozing sweet, just nice.

I was too busy to pick up D3, but could have. H & Gma got her & are now at a park. H let me know.

Time for this mommy to have a quick shower & nap. Yes. A nap..lol..

Full moon is tonight. Tomorrow (11th) marks one month since H has been home. Zero expectations, but I'm shaving my legs anyways..lol..

Enjoy the moon.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
CanBird #2880058 01/11/20 04:48 PM
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Good Morning Can

You are doing well with the pursuit and distance waltz. Your replies are sincere and not held back (too much). Positive affirmation works wonders once someone starts to accept it. H it seems is looking for, and growing with it. Be patient.

I think MIL visiting is a good thing. Her past is convoluted; I think I got it, but needed to read those few paragraph three times.

I’m pretty sure your intuition about H wanting to ask/talk to Mom and Mom wanting to ask/talk to H is correct. Stay out of this. Hopefully, for both their sakes, one of them breaks the ice. I suspect lots will come tumbling out if that happens. Let them sort through their pasts. Remain outside of that, no need to be a target if/when things get heated.

Originally Posted by CanBird
This weekend marks 1 month that he's been home. I don't linger on the what ifs or is he...but the sitch still exsists. Of course there are things I don't know about his situation. Of course I have no control over his journey. (Speaking of which, I know H has a work thing in March for a week. Refreasher training for a week. I saw the details on a work news letter. So I know he's got that). But the BIGGER picture is so out of focus. This really is a daily roller coaster ride. Hour by hour, minute by minute sometimes.

Dig deeper right? Be patient. Oh lord! , I have threenager..so I have to be patient.

Yep, be patient. Dig deep. And expectations dialled to zero.

The rollercoaster is quite a ride; hour by hour, even minute by minute at times to get through it. (((CanBird)))

The bigger picture is understandably out of focus. And yeah, his situation is going to be obscured from your view; he doesn’t even know his future, he is trying things out to see what fits.

To me your situation looks very hopeful. H seems pleased about being home. The next few months will be interesting as that unknown future keeps unfolding. See the possibilities and keep hope alive.

Continue your path dear girl and be the best CanBird you can be. H needs, and may be looking for, a heading. Continue to be a beacon. Don’t worry he sees you.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
CanBird #2880069 01/11/20 06:07 PM
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Thank you DnJ. Your words gave me a lift this morning. "He sees you".

Early this morning I took the trash out & noticed a few other projects H did. Pulling out a dead tree, trimming our giant cactus. It was nice to see his efforts & I didnt ask. He told his mom the other day he's down sizing/getting rid of stuff/decluttering. Thisis one of the very conversation him & I had before he shipped out. Our garage is now more of a man cave now & H spends a lot of time in there. He's been working out, eating better & checking his bp which is down. I still see him in this fog of depression. Wanting to isolate himself. Last night he asked me if he could go out & play today. My reply, of course! I have plans with MIL & D3. He's still in bed.

No full moon tales to speak off. He made it to bed earlier. Now its raining & we're under heavy rain advisory.

Have a blessed day everyone.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
CanBird #2880510 01/14/20 10:05 AM
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J ~ We celebrated MIL bday yesterday. H & I worked together to make things nice. Although it was raining, we had a lovely time. I felt I looked pretty good. 'Happy Hour' at a nice restaurant none of us had ever been to. Our neighbors/friends had a cocktail with us. Sweet of them to join for a bit. Amazing food. H ordered; he's a foodie & still on his no meat challenge. Everything was great. We then went on an impromptu hike! Luckily the rain tappered off to a drizzle. We all managed the mostly paved trails. I had to bite my tounge a few times & enjoy the moment. Even though H was nowhere near me (either alone or with D3) MIL enjoyed it. It was for her.

H continues to GAL and do home improvements. When he speaks I listen. I still find a lot a silence & uncomfortable moments. It's hard to sit in silence, so I walk away. I try small talk, sometimes it works other times he gives short answers & rarely asks anything about my day. I feel ignored & its hard when MIL & D3 get all the attention. A bit invisable at times. I try to shake it off.

Tonight H cooked dinner & we all went for a sunset walk. Us girls were almost out the door & I tried something different. Instead of asking H if he wants to come with us, I said "Come with us!". We didn't wait & he caught up with us, but lagged behind. Oh, 'cause he ate too fast; his belly hurt. SO GRUMPY!

H mom & I have talked about his grumpiness. I try not to linger there & the two of them have not talked, as far as I know about anything. She knows he"s 'OFF'. Not sure how many days MIL has left with us. We welcome her company, anytime. She does not have a return ticket yet.

Family Lego night tomorrow. I hope H goes. Its fun. We're going regardless.

Before I went tobed MIL gave me a big long hug & said love you... thanks for a great day (we hung out). I noticed H watching us & he held a smile for a while. I said g'night & he said the same. He & MIL stay up later & watch TV late. They usually fall asleep..lol..

Still standing. I see glimpses of kindness & normalness at times, other times he's so far away in his mind. I'm not sure what I can do differently with myself.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
CanBird #2880579 01/14/20 05:01 PM
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This is about him and what he needs to do to figure things out for himself. You can't fix him, nor can you fix yourself to please him. You can only fix yourself for you. Just leave him be when he goes all silent and grumpy. We all have good and bad days. Try not to over analyze what he says or does. If you do, it will drive you crazy and you will second guess yourself on everything.

Stay the course.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
CanBird #2880678 01/15/20 12:14 AM
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Can

You are doing so good..You deserve a purple heart

We all know how hard it is..
uncertainty, not knowing, waiting and waiting and wondering??

Im so glad things are going well with MIL

Even though you cant see it, you are closer than you were before to knowing
D3 has her dad, MIL has her son, and you have them all
maybe not a perfect picture..but still he is showing up

remember this is temporary
one day at a time
Its not forever
you will gain clarity and so will H

just needs more time...


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
CanBird #2880705 01/15/20 06:29 AM
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Originally Posted by CanBird

Still standing. I see glimpses of kindness & normalness at times, other times he's so far away in his mind. I'm not sure what I can do differently with myself.


Only one thing you can do differently -- turn off your brain and all senses! You are doing well with trying to enjoy the moment and doing some GAL but you are still in between that torturing yourself noticing and cataloguing every second of H's day, mood, night, activities, non-activities.

And I am SURE that he can feel you doing that, even if you give a different rhetoric, and that it will feel like pressure to him.

Can you think of ways to shift your focus -- e.g., every time you start to notice something he is doing or thinking or not doing, can you bake some cookies or listen to music really loud on headphones or read the bible or some other particular book or work on a painting or even just go and put a dollar in a jar and then periodically take all the dollars to a charity for children?

I mean, literally, can you force yourself to just do something else without trying to get your brain to think about it?

Can, what if H's MLC is going to last five years? What if he is like this sometimes and other times he is gone again and other times he wants to sleep together and then is gone again?

That's where you have to get your brain to. He might be back for good and this current depression could last for a month or for three years. Or he might have to go away again in order to be back for good.

Standing means setting up a life in which you don't burn out from standing or torture yourself with thinking you can do something or you have to be ready for his sudden return. This is not you at a baseball game waiting for the pitch to swing. The lighthouse just lets her beam go out by standing there, and the beam is not constantly on the ship, it flashes. Flash on the rest of the world too, you do not have to train your light on him!


Last edited by Gerda; 01/15/20 06:29 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
CanBird #2881069 01/17/20 12:42 PM
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Thank you Job, Peace & Gerda for your posts. Always appreciate each of you.

J~ Not much new. I had some much needed alone time Wed afternoon & used it wisely. Completed a task I've wanting to do.

H & MIL have been looking at getting her a return ticket sometime next week. D3 will be so sad. Me too. She's an amazing lady. We're so lucky.

D3 & I did our activities. We have a bday party on the weekend. H& MIL are welcome; I don't expect them to attend. All good either way.

Trying to stay a float, remain positive. That sinking feeling sneeks in and I try to dismiss it. Thinking of what little goals to accomplish next. I've been spending my free time with MIL mostlty & will do more of my own GAL soon. Really needing to dig deeper and find myself again. The strong person I am. Time to rewrite my goals list. That usually modivates me to get moving.

Oh! There's an interesting event this weekend I can take MIL to that she might enjoy. She's on her own journey as well & we've done a lot of bonding during this trip. We're very like minded/very much a like & laugh out loud often. Such a treasure. My mom passed 8 yrs ago & they would have loved each other.

Sending ((hugs)) & high fives out to those that need it.

We CAN do this!


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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