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Healing after S/D #2879994
01/10/20 10:33 PM
01/10/20 10:33 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,529
K
kas99 Offline OP
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kas99  Offline OP
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K
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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2876578&page=11

Quote
K,

If your a CPA how come you’re not making good money?


I was a homemaker for 15 years and had to start over. I'm not even working as a CPA I have a government job with liberal time off, a pension plan, great insurance and I live 10 minutes from work. I could make more money working as a CPA in the city but once I add in the cost of my benefits and commuting costs it's a wash. I'm a single parent and going to have to work until I'm 75 so it's best I stay where I'm at.

It is mind boggling that I can't support myself on this salary. <off to check my budget again>

Last edited by kas99; 01/10/20 10:42 PM.
Re: Healing after S/D [Re: kas99] #2879996
01/10/20 10:49 PM
01/10/20 10:49 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,529
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kas99 Offline OP
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kas99  Offline OP
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K
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Posts: 1,529
If I move to the ghetto and live on ramon noodles I can support myself on what I make. This is my plan once the kids move out on their own so whatever alimony I get will be extra.

Re: Healing after S/D [Re: kas99] #2879999
01/10/20 11:00 PM
01/10/20 11:00 PM
Joined: May 2019
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kas99 Offline OP
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kas99  Offline OP
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K
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So back to taxes....how did you file while separated? We've lived apart for 8 months, I've paid for half of the expenses, and I have no problems bending rules.

Re: Healing after S/D [Re: kas99] #2880000
01/10/20 11:30 PM
01/10/20 11:30 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,662
Southern Maryland
job Offline

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job  Offline

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I filed separately. My xh didn't realize that when I filed separately, he wouldn't be getting a large refund. In fact, he ended up paying.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Healing after S/D [Re: job] #2880014
01/11/20 04:36 AM
01/11/20 04:36 AM
Joined: May 2019
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kas99 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by job
I filed separately. My xh didn't realize that when I filed separately, he wouldn't be getting a large refund. In fact, he ended up paying.


This is brilliant. Love it!!

In my case I'd owe as well so not really something I want to do but am considering it. I want us both to file head of household (he gets one kid and I get two). He'd get the child tax credit but I'd get EIC so we both win. We haven't lived together for 8 months and the rest is up for interpretation. It's all crap anyway I just want to file first and preferably not with him.

Last edited by kas99; 01/11/20 04:36 AM.
Re: Healing after S/D [Re: kas99] #2880643
01/14/20 08:12 PM
01/14/20 08:12 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,529
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kas99 Offline OP
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I saw WAH yesterday (first time since July). Just a glimpse as it was dark and I was dropping D14 off. S19 was trying to leave and WAH was standing outside his car talking.

WAH is an avoidant who thought he was better than me because he was so independent. When I complained about his distance he'd make excuses or shrug his shoulders and say "I just don't need that" or blame me. The first feeling that popped up when I saw him last night was I'm glad I'm no longer humiliating myself begging for attention from a man who thinks he is better than me (good)

...and then I remembered about the OW (bad). Am I the reason he was distant? Did I break him or was he like this when we met? Will he be better with someone else? Is this all my fault?

I want to stop taking 100% of the blame for why he left. My biggest complaint was being last on his list of priorities and he did a great job convincing me that I would have ranked higher had I been "nicer".

The OW is getting plenty of attention now but I got it too in the honeymoon period which did end. My kids are nice and he blows them off?? Before and it's worse now obviously.

Last edited by kas99; 01/14/20 08:16 PM.
Re: Healing after S/D [Re: kas99] #2880647
01/14/20 08:27 PM
01/14/20 08:27 PM
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LH19 Offline
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Hang in there K! You are getting stronger.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Healing after S/D [Re: kas99] #2880651
01/14/20 08:39 PM
01/14/20 08:39 PM
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Posts: 1,064
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hoosjim Offline
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Agree with LH... You sound stronger and better. Keep up the fight! Be strong!

Thoughts and prayers to you and your kids!

V/r

--HJ


H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Re: Healing after S/D [Re: kas99] #2880655
01/14/20 08:59 PM
01/14/20 08:59 PM
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FlySolo Offline
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Originally Posted by Kas99
...and then I remembered about the OW (bad). Am I the reason he was distant? Did I break him or was he like this when we met? Will he be better with someone else? Is this all my fault?


Kas, I am a distancer by nature. When I am threatened or scared or hurt, I shut down. This includes shutting down conversations where I am uncomfortable or have something to hide. I avoid or when pushed give a close ended answer is shut the conversation down. I do it today when he asks me things - like asking me about the house. I do it when I don't have an answer or when I know it could lead to a conversation I don't want to have. Distancing is about protection. I do it to protect myself, my ego or the narrative I've spun in my head. It is not your fault. He did not engage because it may lead to a conversation or an outcome he didn't want or wasn't yet ready to face.

Will he be better with someone else. Who knows. If he has done the work and comes out of the other side more evolved, then maybe. That is outside your control. All you can do is work on you. If you do that, then you will definitely come out better the other side. And then it won't be a case of whether you are better of with someone else, it will be a case of you are just better off.

Is some of this your fault? Probably. No single person is 100% responsible for the breakdown of an R. We all contribute (to varying degrees). But he quit the R. That's on him. He has to live with it.

But you need to get to a point where you recognise and own your contributions. This isn't me having a go at you. Sometimes we have to look inside and see ourselves, warts and all so that we can work on becoming a better person I am a distancer - I am trying not to be, not just with him (tbh - I am still a distancer here), but with every other uncomfortable interaction I have. I make an effort to listen to hear people's stories and interact positively with them. I try and be more appreciative of what I have and the people that are in my life (and yes, even my H). There are a hundred and one areas where I fell short in our marriage - I am working on changing those. If I ever get an opportunity to have another meaningful R (with my H or with someone else) then I know I will be a better partner. History will not repeat.


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

Re: Healing after S/D [Re: FlySolo] #2880662
01/14/20 09:30 PM
01/14/20 09:30 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,529
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kas99 Offline OP
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kas99  Offline OP
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Quote
Kas, I am a distancer by nature. When I am threatened or scared or hurt, I shut down.


When hurt most of us fight, flight, freeze or fawn. You fly (no pun intended on your user name).

You're not an avoidant. An avoidant deliberately sets up their lives to avoid intimacy. These are mostly men and they are the ones who work 80 hours a week.

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