So, when my kids talk back to my W, my W almost always drops in the, "you are disrepecting me" line or other comments about how to treat people.
While I absolutely agree with the message she's sending, it makes my blood boil hearing her say that. I've almost had to remove myself from the room to stop me from calling her out on her hypocrisy.
At some point down the road, she will have to atone for what she's done to this family and will have to answer some tough questions from my 2 Ds.
M: 40s W: 40s 2 Ds PA suspected Summer 2019 / assumed still ongoing BD: Fall 2019
I haven’t told my W that I’ve started seeing an IC yet, but I did mention to her several months ago that I probably would. IC recommended that I casually let her know that I am to plant a seed in her mind. i.e. W is probably happy that I have distanced myself from her so she can carry on with her behaviors unimpeded. But, if she's made aware that I’m in IC, it may be a small disruption, as she'd wonder what I'm talking about.
I don’t think it will have any affect on her. She's just so uninterested in me right now. She’ll probably just spew some nonsense like: “I hope you don’t talk about me” or “you probably should, you have a lot of issues.”
What do others think here on how to let her know? She’s never been in C, and when I brought up MC months ago, she wasn’t excited about.
I’ll have to let her know anyway, just curious how I drop it in a conversation.
My opinion is to show her a healthier person with your actions, not your words. IF SHE ASKS, then "I am learning some things about myself in IC".
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
So, when my kids talk back to my W, my W almost always drops in the, "you are disrepecting me" line or other comments about how to treat people.
While I absolutely agree with the message she's sending, it makes my blood boil hearing her say that. I've almost had to remove myself from the room to stop me from calling her out on her hypocrisy.
I get this too. So hard to bite the tongue. The brain floods with examples to point out and in the moment it would feel good to do so. Nice work holding back!
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
I haven’t told my W that I’ve started seeing an IC yet, but I did mention to her several months ago that I probably would. IC recommended that I casually let her know that I am to plant a seed in her mind. i.e. W is probably happy that I have distanced myself from her so she can carry on with her behaviors unimpeded. But, if she's made aware that I’m in IC, it may be a small disruption, as she'd wonder what I'm talking about.
I don’t think it will have any affect on her. She's just so uninterested in me right now. She’ll probably just spew some nonsense like: “I hope you don’t talk about me” or “you probably should, you have a lot of issues.”
What do others think here on how to let her know? She’s never been in C, and when I brought up MC months ago, she wasn’t excited about.
I’ll have to let her know anyway, just curious how I drop it in a conversation.
RVM ~ I sense that you are hoping to get some sort of a reaction from your W.
DB principle: Don't do anything hoping for an outcome or reaction from your W. That is a desire to control your situation.
In that spirit, how about, "Hi W, just wanted to let you know I started seeing an IC" and then leave the room. If she reacts, think, "hmmm that's curious, I guess I'll go on about the rest of my day now"
I’m just curious as to why you guys are afraid to say anything?
Sorry to hijack here RVM. LH, I can't see a positive outcome of doing so. Maaaybe if used sparingly. I did once last week and W apologized. Other times it leads to defense, blaming, stonewalling, etc.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
[quote=LH19]I’m just curious as to why you guys are afraid to say anything?
No, I'm not afraid either. I have, in private called her out on how she has disrepected me and our family. It was one of our arguments when I told her why I would not be going on a long wknd trip with the family, which seemed like another cake eating opportunity for her. It put her in almost complete stonewalling mode afterwards. I just don't openly talk with her anymore unless she starts a conversation.
But, I have hesitated on my actions (i.e. asking her to move out or moving all of her crap out of the MBR) because I still don't have official proof of an A.
Last edited by RVM; 03/12/2007:06 PM.
M: 40s W: 40s 2 Ds PA suspected Summer 2019 / assumed still ongoing BD: Fall 2019
RVM ~ I sense that you are hoping to get some sort of a reaction from your W.
DB principle: Don't do anything hoping for an outcome or reaction from your W. That is a desire to control your situation.
In that spirit, how about, "Hi W, just wanted to let you know I started seeing an IC" and then leave the room. If she reacts, think, "hmmm that's curious, I guess I'll go on about the rest of my day now"
I'm not intending to get a reaction at all from my W. I'm not even sure if she needs to know that I'm in IC. That's why I posted that topic in this thread - for advice on if I should mention it and how to just casually do it.
My C told me to tell her, and I argued a bit with him b/c I said I'm done having R talks and this might just instigate one. I just want to focus on me and what he can do to help me be a better person for myself and my kids.
M: 40s W: 40s 2 Ds PA suspected Summer 2019 / assumed still ongoing BD: Fall 2019
You see thats where true detachment comes into play. You don’t care that all that $hit happens because your a rock and the waves crashing down don’t effect you. You are communicating to her that you won’t be talked to in that manner. She won’t show it but she’ll respect the $hit out of you.
IC recommended that I casually let her know that I am to plant a seed in her mind.
OK well then it seems your IC is trying to get a reaction out of your W.
I think you have to decide whether or not YOU want to tell her (regardless of how she takes it). Just don't tell her because you want to show her you are working on yourself - that's not a good reason.
