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#2879937 01/10/20 06:15 PM
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Guess I should jump into the water here. Been lurking for a few weeks. This place is amazing, wish I knew about it many months ago. Possibly would have put me in a better situation than I'm in now.

Easily the worst year of my life. The flags were subtly raised over time and I was still ignoring most of it. She was always a very conservative, prudish, and generally sweet person. Like most here - the last person I'd ever expect to cheat. I don't have concrete proof yet, but there's been more than enough deceit, manipulation, and gaslighting that it is undeniably happening.

My anxiety level started going through the roof when I got keen on how nasty she was all of a sudden towards me. Coupled with the wardrobe upgrade and excessive primping for work, I was slowly getting unraveled. Who is this person? What alien has possessed her? Is this just some bizarre temporary phase?

After observing her behavior for a few months, I finally had to confront her. (wish I knew about this place beforehand.) She convincingly denied everything, had me cowering with regret for even assuming it, and lovingly made a commitment to work on our relationship. I'm amazed at her poise. She was unflappable.

I'm almost certain she has been having an affair with a coworker. She has name dropped a few guys' names over the past year that she has become good work friends with. And, one in particular got brought up more than the others.

I did all the wrong things snooping for concrete evidence. I was just so unraveled. It was like a horrible out of body experience. I still can't believe I became so rattled. I lost about 20 lbs.

I did all the begging, pleading, etc to work on the relationship. She pushed further away, and really seemed ready to file for divorce. She finally said, "I really don't like you right now. I don't know what I want. I just want to focus on the children." She's never confessed to any EA/PA, but suddenly has stopped mentioning the guy's name.

Since October it has been really bad in our house. We've kept it (mostly) friendly in front of the kids and still carried on like we were a loving family. But, when the kids aren't around/asleep, we've had very limited one on one interaction other than for logistical discussions. We have gone out together a few times (she did some crumb tossing), but it really is exhausting. It is hard to have a conversation with someone you believe is actively cheating and lying to you. She is a master spinner.

I finally found this place. No more pursuing. Lots of great advice here. I've picked up some books and just started DR. I've done a few of the techniques - being very upbeat, not initiating conversations, GALing, that have seen some short term positive results (at least for my sanity) that got me back in control of myself.

I'm just really concerned that I'm now DBing too late in this process. I've done a lot of damage to whatever's left of our R since I confronted her. Based on our conversations, she's been really unhappy for a few years. This really seems like a textbook exit affair.

Besides reading DR and the threads on this site, anything in particular I should do ASAP?












Last edited by job; 01/17/20 06:30 PM. Reason: edited posting per poster's request

M: 40s
W: 40s
2 Ds
PA suspected Summer 2019 / assumed still ongoing
BD: Fall 2019
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
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Welcome! I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome Posting.

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Another thing I should mention - other than family activities/meals we had become quite distant from each other for the past few years.

I'm wondering how detachment would be effective in this sitch?


M: 40s
W: 40s
2 Ds
PA suspected Summer 2019 / assumed still ongoing
BD: Fall 2019
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
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RVM,

Have you checked out the links on the Welcome Thread? There is one link specifically about Detachment. I think you will find that many of the examples, etc. are really "tools" for us and help us navigate life. Detachment helps us learn how not to react to what people say or do, especially where our spouses are concerned.

Your wife sounds like she's rewriting history if she says she's been unhappy for years. If she's been that unhappy, she should have talked to you about it and not stuffed those feelings down in her soul for many years. She is attempting to find a justification for the way she feels. Listen and validate her thoughts and feelings. However, I think you would have noticed changes in her before now if she was that unhappy.

Many of use came here after the bomb drop and we all have made mistakes. It is what we learn from the mistakes that matters.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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RVM, sorry you're going through this. I chuckled when I read your list because it's almost identical to the changes my XW made just before BD (sad at the time but I can laugh about it now). She had always worn frumpy "old lady" underwear, I had politely suggested more than once that it would be nice to see her in something a little more sexy so imagine my delight when she suddenly threw out all her underwear and bought some sexy bras and panties. Little did I know they weren't for me!

Keep DR near at hand, refer to it often. Read Sandi's rules every day, they are a great template on how to behave around your W. Remove all pressure! No R talks.

Originally Posted by RVM
Another thing I should mention - other than family activities/meals we had become quite distant from each other for the past few years.

I'm wondering how detachment would be effective in this sitch?


We get that question a lot. "She says I was cold and distant, so won't detachment look like more of the same?" Detachment isn't being cold and distant though. It's giving her time and space, but not pushing her away. As Job said the stickies will help you understand. And again, Sandi's rules. They are all about LOVING detachment.

Also please note that your W doesn't want you to fix things. If she brings up complaints they aren't to give you an opportunity to fix them, they are to explain why she is done. Any changes you make she will consider "too little too late". So do it for you. In the long run it will have an impact on her, but in the short term it won't really change anything. This truly is a marathon!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by RVM
...Been lurking for a few weeks...Besides reading DR and the threads on this site, anything in particular I should do ASAP?



Commit to personal growth. Do not let fear control you. Face your fears. What you fear you attract.


Do not fear your wife. Do not fear divorce. Do not fear change.


Do not show your emotions. The first one to react emotionally looses.


Project confidence. Command respect. Be attractive. Be seductive. Set and enforce boundaries.

Forgive yourselves. Forgive others.

And above all else, know you will be OK at the end of this process.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
RVM, sorry you're going through this. I chuckled when I read your list because it's almost identical to the changes my XW made just before BD (sad at the time but I can laugh about it now). She had always worn frumpy "old lady" underwear, I had politely suggested more than once that it would be nice to see her in something a little more sexy so imagine my delight when she suddenly threw out all her underwear and bought some sexy bras and panties. Little did I know they weren't for me!

Keep DR near at hand, refer to it often. Read Sandi's rules every day, they are a great template on how to behave around your W. Remove all pressure! No R talks.

Originally Posted by RVM
Another thing I should mention - other than family activities/meals we had become quite distant from each other for the past few years.

I'm wondering how detachment would be effective in this sitch?


We get that question a lot. "She says I was cold and distant, so won't detachment look like more of the same?" Detachment isn't being cold and distant though. It's giving her time and space, but not pushing her away. As Job said the stickies will help you understand. And again, Sandi's rules. They are all about LOVING detachment.

Also please note that your W doesn't want you to fix things. If she brings up complaints they aren't to give you an opportunity to fix them, they are to explain why she is done. Any changes you make she will consider "too little too late". So do it for you. In the long run it will have an impact on her, but in the short term it won't really change anything. This truly is a marathon!


Thanks for the clarification. That makes a lot of sense. Yeah, whenever I made the mistake of trying to discuss our R, she kept saying that she's built up a wall against me for my past aloofness, that she's not sure if she'll ever let it down again.

Uh, the bras and panties/fitness/wardrobe/hotness upgrades are soul crushing.


M: 40s
W: 40s
2 Ds
PA suspected Summer 2019 / assumed still ongoing
BD: Fall 2019
Joined: Mar 2008
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Originally Posted by RVM
Uh, the bras and panties/fitness/wardrobe/hotness upgrades are soul crushing.
Only if you let it. Focus on you and what you control.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
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I think it would be beneficial for you to ramp up the GAL and leave the house in the evenings several times a week. You mentioned that she has been going out for drinks before she comes home. I think you should be ready to leave when she gets there. Go out and do something. Be vague. Tell her there are some things you want to do and leave it at that. Make her wonder what you're doing while she's picking out clothes and rubbing stuff on her face...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
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Originally Posted by mtb1981
I think it would be beneficial for you to ramp up the GAL and leave the house in the evenings several times a week. You mentioned that she has been going out for drinks before she comes home. I think you should be ready to leave when she gets there. Go out and do something. Be vague. Tell her there are some things you want to do and leave it at that. Make her wonder what you're doing while she's picking out clothes and rubbing stuff on her face...



Yeah, I've started doing that to a degree. It is a little difficult with the ages of our daughters. We alternate picking them up from school and spend time with them as a family until they go to bed.

But, after they've gone to bed, I've gone to the gym, which is different than my regular schedule. But, it isn't mysterious as she'll see I'm clearly going there. I do need to find some other night activities though. The last two nights I used our home office with the door shut. Coincidentally enough, that entailed reading here and starting the DR book. She came in a couple times to discuss minor kid logistics.

I did tell her the night before that I may not join her and the girls for a long weekend trip to her family's place next month. Missing something like that would be a first for me. That really threw her back when I said that. What are your thoughts on that? I think the girls may be upset if I didn't go.


M: 40s
W: 40s
2 Ds
PA suspected Summer 2019 / assumed still ongoing
BD: Fall 2019
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