You realize it's where she is - not sure what you meant with that statement.
Guilt and remorse for her affair and for deciding to divorce, that's what she has right? So I still say that is a good thing, it means she has a conscience that she wishes to abide by. Detachment means not worrying about her wearing the ring.
I think it's more important to show her that you will be fine than to mention it. Your validation will be stronger if you just respond to her thoughts or feelings.
I get the impression that you are being hard on her, which I understand, but I think you need to consider that her asking about working on it, even though it is little things so far, should be given some consideration. I guess I am confused because it seemed like there was a few times where she was talking to you about patching things up and I don't understand why you haven't given that much of a chance. I haven't reread your sitch lately but I have been following.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
You realize it's where she is - not sure what you meant with that statement.
Guilt and remorse for her affair and for deciding to divorce, that's what she has right? So I still say that is a good thing, it means she has a conscience that she wishes to abide by. Detachment means not worrying about her wearing the ring.
I think it's more important to show her that you will be fine than to mention it. Your validation will be stronger if you just respond to her thoughts or feelings.
I get the impression that you are being hard on her, which I understand, but I think you need to consider that her asking about working on it, even though it is little things so far, should be given some consideration. I guess I am confused because it seemed like there was a few times where she was talking to you about patching things up and I don't understand why you haven't given that much of a chance. I haven't reread your sitch lately but I have been following.
She has sent some text this morning saying she will always cherish the good times and that she will never regret our life together.
Others that have been following my stich suggest that she is extremely WW. She has continued to secretly contact and meet the OM for the past 6 months since discovery. One thing everyone has agreed on is that I need to go dark. Well I have somewhat gone dark for the past week and now she wants to file for divorce.
In the past 4 weeks she has gone to his house, spent the weekend out of town partying with her friend, and this past weekend spent the weekend with her friends. (All of this supposedly) She was crying last night about thinking about being away from our son for days at a time. She wants to do split custody where we rotate weekends and I get him every Monday and Tuesday and she gets him on Wednesday and Thursday.
I think its best to just validate and move forward with my life.
Reminder that "validation": is not saying "you are right", it is saying "I hear you". Review AnotherStander's posts on validation-- he explains it really well. There's a fine line and you can easily come across in a manner that is not helpful to the dynamic between the two of you.
Sounds like you are moving forward, though! Hang in there..
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
I understand. It sounds like you are right, she is still very wayward. Stay strong.
Remember that detachment means you aren't letting her words or actions control your mood and to not believe anything she says and only half of what she does.
You can do this.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Others that have been following my stich suggest that she is extremely WW. She has continued to secretly contact and meet the OM for the past 6 months since discovery. One thing everyone has agreed on is that I need to go dark. Well I have somewhat gone dark for the past week and now she wants to file for divorce.
I think its best to just validate and move forward with my life.
She is WW P! She wants all and more and more. She wants to file for divorce, she wants the family life, she´s an addict. Just go dark and keep walking your road of respect.
As Hj says, validation is hearing what she says and not agreeing with everything.
No fear P! Be the role model for your kids!
Be strong man!
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Reminder that "validation": is not saying "you are right", it is saying "I hear you". Review AnotherStander's posts on validation-- he explains it really well. There's a fine line and you can easily come across in a manner that is not helpful to the dynamic between the two of you.
Sounds like you are moving forward, though! Hang in there..
I am moving forward. There is no need to panic. I have had 6 months to prepare for this coming and all the betrayals make it clear that she is off her rocker. I have gathered information for my lawyer so he will have information to help him with preparing my papers.
As for validating I try to do that to some degree. Last night she just went on and on that I seemed happy that we are going through with this. I told her I do not want a divorce but I can't force her to love me or force her to change. I will be fine with or without you.
Do you guys think I should discuss this with my youngest son (14)? I asked him last night how his day went. He proceeded to tell me that his mother drove him by some apartments and told him they may end up living in one of them. I just told him that she may move out and that I love him. Tried to encourage him to remain positive and understand that I will always be there for him.
Do you guys think I should discuss this with my youngest son (14)? I asked him last night how his day went. He proceeded to tell me that his mother drove him by some apartments and told him they may end up living in one of them. I just told him that she may move out and that I love him. Tried to encourage him to remain positive and understand that I will always be there for him.
That's good. Main thing is you still want him to feel "safe", loved, etc... Knowing you are there for him and available and that home, at least with you, will always be a "safe" place for him is very important. Only thing I would add is to reassure him that even though this is a difficult, confusing, and even scary time, that "none of this is his fault". Very common for kids to think it is something they have done and/or otherwise blame themselves. I and my sister went through this self-doubt and blame to a certain extent when our parents split even though we were 20 and 18.
If he pushes for details only then would I, perhaps, say "Mom met someone else (though it sounds like he may already know this from what you have posted previously) and has decided she doesn't want to be married to me anymore... she's looking for a new place to live. We may end up selling this house, but you will always have a place to live with me." No need to go into grim details of Mom's indiscretions.
Last edited by hoosjim; 01/14/2002:46 PM.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
