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A Message from Michele
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Re: Running out of time ... one month left! (part 2) [Re: Augusto] #2874864
12/05/19 10:44 PM
12/05/19 10:44 PM
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rooskers Offline
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Quote
Quote

Told D5 to take a bath and she told her she wanted to take it with me. I think D5 told her she wanted to hang out with me,


D5 will quickly understand who is emotionally attached to her and will look to you for support and love more and more. Unfortunately, this is likely to anger your W since it isn't about her.


Augusto I have been through this twice now and that is where my advice was coming from. D5 is looking for someone to trust and you have to be that person. She may only be 5 but the emotional bonds she makes now are some of the most important. Validate and listen closely to what she says.

As you spend more time with all of them, all your children will come to you more and this will anger your W. Please do not let your W prevent you from validating what your children want to tell you. Your children will also likely get mad at W and even you at times but anger is a completely reasonable emotion for them. They can see what your W is doing to you and even more importantly they can see what she is doing to the family. Don't they have the right to feel mad? If this is prevented what is that teaching them?

Last edited by rooskers; 12/05/19 10:47 PM.

1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: Running out of time ... one month left! (part 2) [Re: Augusto] #2875539
12/10/19 08:32 PM
12/10/19 08:32 PM
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Posts: 107
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Augusto Offline OP
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Again, lots of stuff going on, haven't even had time to come here as often.

I really screwed up. Last week (friday?) D13 was struggling and told me I loved other 3 sisters and not her. This has to do with her thinking they're all against their mom and on "my side".

She went outside as her mom arrived and I went to talk to my W to explain what is going on with her. I told her that D13 is "defending" her because she loves her and thinks her mom is lonely. I explained some of the things she's said, and made sure to tell her I'm not blaming her, and even told her I'm not recommending any actions from her part as I didn't know what to do, just wanted to let her know.

My W got defensive, that she hasn't done anything to get her like that, that her behavior is normal and all our kids have gone through those phases. I listened, but tried to make sure she knew I wasn't blaming her. She became inpatient and said she had a busy day and needed to go to the restroom. I wasn't happy and said "hey I just want to let you know how our daughter is doing".

W went inside the house, she started yelling at me and threw/pushed a chair. She came back and we continued the "conversation". I should have kept my mouth shut and just validated, but I made the mistake to again highlight that D13 has good intentions, that I know her mom didn't cause this, etc. I took time to explain how I thought she was doing this out of good intentions.

All of that resulted in my W saying "See, you don't listen and don't let me talk. We have a TOXIC ... or we had a ... TOXIC relationship". That's how she sees our 20 year marriage, and 29 years together. And I screwed up because instead of validating I engaged in this stupid argument and I feel like crap because of it.

This week [censored] ... I'm feeling really down. Court date is on Thursday, mediation on Friday ... and I feel like like desperation and depression is going to overwhelm me this week. I'm tired, I'm exhausted.

Re: Running out of time ... one month left! (part 2) [Re: Augusto] #2875540
12/10/19 08:38 PM
12/10/19 08:38 PM
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Augusto Offline OP
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I spent the weekend with the kids, in Orlando. D16 had a dance activity there and I used my points to keep stay at a hotel Friday-Sunday with D5, D13 and her.

We had a good time, specially D5. In the meantime, W stayed home (usually goes away on these weekends) because D18 had school and didn't want hr to be by herself.

I was happy she was going to spend quality time with D18, she was going to go with her and D18's boyfriend to a concert on Sunday night.

When I come back, in the next morning, D18 tells me that my W hit her!!! Turns out D18, who is out of HS now, got a belly button piercing. I'm not super happy with that, but she already has several piercings and got 2 tattoos. (Ironically my W got 1 tattoo, and the kids tell me she told them she wants to get another one).

She slapped her on her belly button which hurt, and told her she wishes it gets infected! I just listened and validated, nothing much I can do about it. Haven't even talked to my W about that ... but I'm not happy about her aggressive behavior.

Re: Running out of time ... one month left! (part 2) [Re: Augusto] #2875618
12/11/19 11:58 AM
12/11/19 11:58 AM
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Augusto Offline OP
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Today need to finish some forms and finish the parenting class which is online. Took off from work to catch up, first court visit tomorrow 😞

Re: Running out of time ... one month left! (part 2) [Re: Augusto] #2875794
12/12/19 09:53 AM
12/12/19 09:53 AM
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Augusto Offline OP
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Last night D16 asked to put "our song" on the radio. She cried on the way home, I tried to comfort her, but we just cried together. Broke my heart ...

Re: Running out of time ... one month left! (part 2) [Re: Augusto] #2875807
12/12/19 01:06 PM
12/12/19 01:06 PM
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Kids saw me dressed up today, D13 asked me where I was going, told her an “office”. Today’s the 1st court appearance.

D18 started crying and told me she thinks her mom won’t talk to her again. Says she texted her yesterday to please not do this. Not sure if she didn’t respond to her or what, I just listened and told her everything will be ok.

Finished the online parenting class this morning. A lo of the techniques are what you guys promote here, specially validation (active listening). I found it ironic that the class teaches the skill that would save your marriage. At the end there was a video encouraging reconciliation ... recommending something called “discernment therapy/session”. But I think it’s too late.

God will help me survive this day ...

Re: Running out of time ... one month left! (part 2) [Re: Augusto] #2875863
12/12/19 06:25 PM
12/12/19 06:25 PM
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AnotherStander Offline
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A, sorry for what you are going through, court really brings home just how "real" this is. I wish you the best!

Originally Posted by Augusto
Kids saw me dressed up today, D13 asked me where I was going, told her an “office”. Today’s the 1st court appearance.


I think they're old enough to be told the truth. They are going to find out anyway.

Quote
D18 started crying and told me she thinks her mom won’t talk to her again. Says she texted her yesterday to please not do this. Not sure if she didn’t respond to her or what, I just listened and told her everything will be ok.


Work on your validation. "I am sorry you are upset, would you like to talk about it? How does it make you feel?"

Quote
At the end there was a video encouraging reconciliation ... recommending something called “discernment therapy/session”. But I think it’s too late.


I agree, I'm not saying there's no chance for recon, but not right now. The timing isn't right for your W.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Running out of time ... one month left! (part 2) [Re: Augusto] #2875934
12/12/19 10:50 PM
12/12/19 10:50 PM
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Augusto Offline OP
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It was very difficult. My W was super nervous as well as I was, her L was inside the court room and I helped her get in, she didn’t realize when they called us.

Judge just asked a few questions, nothing to me. Was the marriage irreparable? She said yes. Would counseling help? She said no. It’s what she field so I’m not surprised, but it hurts .

She ... we cried ... some more outside and hugged each other. Told her it’ll be ok, that I’m not mad at her, that I want to make sure she’s ok. She told me she cared for me being ok too. That we’ll make sure kids are all fine. It was a nice human moment between both of us ...

Some of the girls have been texting me. I’ve been validating a lot ... they’re hurting and keep telling me they don’t want tbjsnto happen. I tell them it’ll be ok, but feel powerless not being able to do anything to save my family. Im devastated

Re: Running out of time ... one month left! (part 2) [Re: Augusto] #2879452
01/08/20 07:17 PM
01/08/20 07:17 PM
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rooskers Offline
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Augusto just checking in and wishing you a happy new year.


1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: Running out of time ... one month left! (part 2) [Re: Augusto] #2879813
01/10/20 07:27 AM
01/10/20 07:27 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
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CWarrior Online
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Augusto, wow, the court appearance sounded real tough. Hope you are doing okay.


May'19 - Girlfriend of 2yrs left. Aug'19 - We became a "broken" couple (I needed validation, she screamed). Dec'19 - We gave up and went NC. Mar'20 - I've changed and she's eager for MC and us again.
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