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HaWho #2879085 01/06/20 10:09 PM
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Originally Posted by HaWho
(Before it happened in front of my own eyes, I would NEVER have believed in MLC. I am highly educated, do not wear a tinfoil hat on my head, am not part of any cults, do not believe in conspiracy theories, etc, etc.).

Having witnessed it first hand, they just get weird, much like teens who incubate privately in their rooms and don’t want to be snuggling with their moms.


You crack me up!!! I find it essential to add a bit of humor to this whole MLC situation....or else it is just too crazy and unbelievable. As I am reading all of you vets’ witches, I learn to embrace for a wilder ride in the future.....

Canbird- I’m sorry that you are feeling hurt when he’s not reciprocating loving actions. I second what everyone else has said. Yes you know you have to reset your expectations to zero, and although that is hard, it’s not impossible. Sometimes your heart gets too excited for a little progress and surreptitiously upped the expectation level without you realizing.

Hang in there, stay strong!


BD: Sep 2019
D in progress
kml #2879086 01/06/20 10:13 PM
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Can,

He may not have pulled away, but he didn't take it any further either. It is okay. You tried something different...but you are also trying to rush the process. Step back and allow your man to come to you. He's not ready to do so and the more you attempt to initiate cuddles, hugs, etc., the more he's just going to lay there like a bump on a log. This journey is not about you, but about him. You can't fix him w/cuddles. He is the only one that can fix himself.

Now, please step back and observe. Allow him to initiate the next time around. Stop trying to rush the process and believe it or not, you are putting pressure on him and it's going to shut him down and he will move out of the MBR and opt to go elsewhere.

You've waited this long, you can wait a bit longer. Dig deeper for patience because you are going to need it if you want him to come back to you a mature man and a man who wants his wife in every way.

Please, please try to understand that this is not about you, but about him. Do not take this bump in the road personally. There is nothing you did that created this mess within him...but the more you attempt to pursue him, the more he's going to pull away. Drop the expectations and just try to enjoy the time you have together. Even though he is sleeping In the same bed w/you, this would not have happened had you not had a guest in the house, that does not mean he's going to jump for joy and be all warm and cuddly.....it takes time and that means lots and lots of time. Lower your expectations and reset your clock to being roommates for now.

I know you can do this...just be patient.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
CanBird #2879121 01/07/20 02:02 AM
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Well, I can't undo it. I appreciate the overwhelming responces to SLOW down. Now I feel like a bit of a fool.

Dont chase. Be the room mate.

MLC is the worst. H and his mom just went off somewhere alone. I can't care. It's not about me, but it damn sure feels like it.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
CanBird #2879126 01/07/20 02:54 AM
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Can, I'm sorry if I made you feel like a fool or that you should undo it. Obviously that is not possible, and as the others have said, you let him know you are receptive. That's good for now. You are anything but a fool. Clearly a very compassionate individual with a bright outlook on life. Huge assets for you as a person and a mom.

But yes, don't chase. Mirror his actions. Let him lead.

MLC is the worst and I hope his is an MLT. Time will tell.

Be a good mom and take care of you. That is how you are going to help him.

CanBird #2879137 01/07/20 06:46 AM
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I needed to read this thread. My D24 was home from grad school for the last month. She left yesterday. During her time home, H Slept on the living room couch. Currently he’s in there, since her room needs to be freshened up. The whole time she was home, (when he wasn’t off trying to mend his OW relationship) I so wanted to say “come to the bed for sleep, I won’t touch you” the only reason I didn’t, was because I knew he’d say no and I didn’t want to deal with more heartache.

During her visit, I actually had a couple of small talk chats with him. No time in the car together, no meals together except Christmas breakfast and dinner. I didn’t see snake eyes, but part of me is so sad that nothing else has happened. This week it is only 8 months since BD. Who am I to think he could be turning back? I like to see that some spouses haven’t turned away from a touch. I’ve had nothing.
I’ve got to stay patient. I’ve got to.

Last edited by job; 01/07/20 03:55 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
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Journaling~ I can't undo that I snuggled H for 2 mins this morning. It felt right in the moment; it was something different. I've always been the dominent one in the relationship; I thought maybe things needed a soft nudge.

I did my GAL thing with D3 & MIL. H did stuff around the house, mostly the garage/man cave of sorts. When we came home in the afternoon he was on the roof. Glad he's finding things to do & a bouns it's fixing the house/ improving it.

H & MIL went off after lunch, D3 & I did our thing. We were polite to each other. They came back with groceries & H kind of disapearred into the garage. He started working out. This is not unusual behavior for H. He comes home a few pounds heavier, bummed out & tries to get back into shape at some point. It doesnt last. I love him no matter his size; he was a big guy when I met him, slimmer when we married. I'm use to this & I hope it gives him the boost he needs. We let him be. D3 hung out with him for a bit. He joined us later. The adults watched a show about eating healthy. H seemed to enjoy it; we did too. He's got the gung hoo attitude going. Not a new thing. If it betters his health than YES! Let's do this! He's always struggled a little bit with weight. Now that he's come clean about his high blood pressure, since he's been home, I hope he makes healthier life style changes. He did shower up in our shower with new shampoo & dress in clean clothes post work out. But, who knows where his mind is.

As for me, well, I'm an impatient romantic with the raging hormones of a teenager. I've thrown the ball his way. I do need to take giant steps back & give him space. If he wasn't here, what would I be doing?

Thank you friends for being here. I'm glad I can share my honest feelings in the moment. I don't think this mornings actions set things back. It was literally a blip in time. I'm moving on. I did an action over words. Moving on.


Last edited by CanBird; 01/07/20 10:20 AM.

~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
CanBird #2879140 01/07/20 10:16 AM
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When my H came home I was so desperate for things to get back to ‘normal’, I too initiated.

He did reciprocate but looking back, he was just going through the motions. I realised this and stopped.

I wanted to feel desired and he certainly didn’t make me feel like that. It took months and months of me not initiating and now, almost a year after I stopped, he can’t keep his hands off me, like he used to be .........nearly ten years ago.

I think it’s very important for him to pursue you. It’s important for you too.

I agree with KLM, treat it like an experiment. He now knows you are safe to approach, if he wants to. Now step right back.

It may take a very long time but he will initiate when he is ready to.

You are far from a “fool”. You are a wonderful loving mum and wife. You are showing your D and everyone in the family that you stand by your H through better or worse, richer or poorer and above all, in sickness and in health, whether physical or mental.

(((Can)))

CanBird #2879162 01/07/20 03:09 PM
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Can

You are doing an amazing job

he is home, he is being helpful
he is connecting with D3 and his mom

this may not be MLC either...
I would continue to be patient and keep your energy up

I agree with Westo
He knows you are safe to approach and leave if at the that

enjoy the time together


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
peacetoday #2879187 01/07/20 03:57 PM
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CanBird,

You are not a fool. You are a human being who wanted your h to hug you back. It's been a while since he's done it and you thought he might be more receptive to it. We suggest here that you try different things and if something isn't working, try something else. However, for now, follow his lead, allow him to come to you.

I think you've been doing quite well...don't fret over what happened...we all have done things similar to this and whatever you do, do not take it personally that he didn't respond back in the manner you had hoped he would.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Westo #2879295 01/07/20 10:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Westo
When my H came home I was so desperate for things to get back to ‘normal’, I too initiated.

He did reciprocate but looking back, he was just going through the motions. I realised this and stopped.

I wanted to feel desired and he certainly didn’t make me feel like that. It took months and months of me not initiating and now, almost a year after I stopped, he can’t keep his hands off me, like he used to be .........nearly ten years ago.

I think it’s very important for him to pursue you. It’s important for you too.

I agree with KLM, treat it like an experiment. He now knows you are safe to approach, if he wants to. Now step right back.

It may take a very long time but he will initiate when he is ready to.

You are far from a “fool”. You are a wonderful loving mum and wife. You are showing your D and everyone in the family that you stand by your H through better or worse, richer or poorer and above all, in sickness and in health, whether physical or mental.

(((Can)))



Thank you Westo. It's encouraging to hear from someone that's had success.
Hugs right back at cha smile


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
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