Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
Can,

No pressure and no pursuit. This is where a lot of posters move too quickly their spouses run for the hills. Give him the time and space to settle back into his own skin and home life. I know it's difficult with him living in the same house and same bed...but remember...it takes time, a lot of time, for him to take the next step.

If you want him to come back to you 100%, then breathe, dig deeper for patience, and allow him to come to you. You've waited this long, you can wait a bit longer. As Peace pointed out....good things come to those who wait. Patience is the key and this is one key you are going to have to work harder at to hold on to.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 715
C
CanBird Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 715
Originally Posted by job
Can,

No pressure and no pursuit. This is where a lot of posters move too quickly their spouses run for the hills. Give him the time and space to settle back into his own skin and home life. I know it's difficult with him living in the same house and same bed...but remember...it takes time, a lot of time, for him to take the next step.

If you want him to come back to you 100%, then breathe, dig deeper for patience, and allow him to come to you. You've waited this long, you can wait a bit longer. As Peace pointed out....good things come to those who wait. Patience is the key and this is one key you are going to have to work harder at to hold on to.


Thanks Job. I agree on this. I've got to continue to dig deeper. "Be Patient", is written on our fridge. We all need to practice it.

I need to put my teenage hormones under lock & key for a bit..lol..

I can do this.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
CanBird #2878651 01/03/20 07:24 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 715
C
CanBird Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 715
Journaling~ Yesterday MIL & I did our GAL activities with D3. H did his thing. Later when H got home he text me a photo of a double rainbow, " rainbow! come outside & look ". My phone was on silent, but it was a nice gesture.

This morning as I was leaving H leaned in the car & gave D3 a hug. She said, Dadda, give mom a hug too. H came around to where I was outside the car. We had a nice hug & a kiss. We both smiled at each other. It was really sweet.

On the way to drop D3 off, we saw a double rainbow.

Feeling good.

Happy Friday.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 715
C
CanBird Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 715
Journaling~ I've literally seen rainbows everydy, but Life is feeling ackward. I feel ignored by H. His phone gets more attention, then it's MIL & D3. I'm dead last. (I know 99.9% of what he's doing on phone). But its like I'm being ignored; it hurts. I've wanted to cry a few times. Silly right? I'm trying to rise above it. I'm starved for H attention and not getting it. I need to try something different.

H & I have been workng on a common goal of cleaning out our garage. Separatly we've got rid of stuff. I got rid of baby stuff, he's tossing out big items (old water heater, doors). Now that new gutters are up (he took old ones down, painted house trim, a guy installed new) making a tidy garage seems to be his project when us gals are GALing.

H has moments of kindness, cooks a lot. We had surf & turf last night. His friend came over, MIL cleaned up, I relaxed. It was nice. We all enjoyed the night. After guest left & D3 to bed, we swam. Heated pool, under the stars. H & his mom chatted, I swam within view of H, hoping to stir up something. I felt good. We all then watched a comedy skit show that H & I use to watch. Nice to hear him laugh. I went to bed feeling good. H is still in our bed. The sheets are cold. I'm thankful he's in bed, but we remain silent.

I feel like whatever I say is ignored so I say less. Not talking hurt our M a lot. We show zero affection in front of MIL. Is she wondering about our coldness. I wonder.

Feeling down. Gotta get myself out of this woe is me funk.

Our tenant moves out this afternoon. That will be my GAL for a few days, before the new arrives.

Smile, even though your heart is breaking. Happiness starts within. I need to do that for myself.

Last edited by CanBird; 01/05/20 06:08 PM.

~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
And what you are describing is the walking on eggshells and pretzeling that comes along with where you are (read where he is) in the process. Unfortunately, the only antidote to this is to reduce your expectations to zero so that you don't feel constant longing and frustration when you have zero control over the situation. Everyone on this board gets it. We've all done the same thing. At some point he will turn to you, or you will have had enough of it and you won't care anymore. You get to be the one in control of that.

Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 715
C
CanBird Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 715
Originally Posted by OwnIt
And what you are describing is the walking on eggshells and pretzeling that comes along with where you are (read where he is) in the process. Unfortunately, the only antidote to this is to reduce your expectations to zero so that you don't feel constant longing and frustration when you have zero control over the situation. Everyone on this board gets it. We've all done the same thing. At some point he will turn to you, or you will have had enough of it and you won't care anymore. You get to be the one in control of that.


Hi OwnIt. Yeah, that sounds about right. After I posted that I joined everyone else. H announced coffee is ready, he filled me in on what D3 ate for breakfast. Interesting how the roller coaster personality goes up and down.

It'll be a week tomorrow that he's been in the bed. The 11th will mark his 1 month return.

Resetting the expectations meter to zero.

May we all find peace & smile at something today


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
CanBird #2879028 01/06/20 07:18 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 715
C
CanBird Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 715
Journaling~ Took a chance and had a quick morning snuggle with H. D3 came into our room with her stuffies & snuggled dad, then left to find grammie. I thought, why not try. I rolled over, put my arm around him & said, " I have no stuffies, but like my snuggles too." It was breif. He was awake, didn't pull away. I inhaled deeply, felt the energy and it was nice. I pulled away slowly and went on with my morning.

It was a baby step. Something different. Didnt know what would happen & it went okay.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
CanBird #2879043 01/06/20 08:02 PM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,979
Likes: 33
Can, I'm going to play contrarian here, because someone has to. I don't think you should be initiating hugs or snuggles. The pressure and pursuit element are so intense. I lived for many years with an MLCer who waffled back and forth and I now see how anything and everything is pursuit. Even now he thinks I am pursuing him when I do anything at all, even trying to discuss my kids or get a divorce done. I think you think he will remember something from the past and want more, but more likely he will just want distance from you. I don't think he is going to refuse it in the moment, but more have a cumulative build up that will get to him and make him want to run. Please review again and again what Job said above. Also read the TMAK thread for Job's post there. More than anything Can, let go of those expectations and beliefs that you can do anything to fix what is going on inside of him.

CanBird #2879074 01/06/20 09:30 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,597
Likes: 2
I think it’s okay that you tried it once. But, as he did not reciprocate or encourage it, I agree with Own and would not initiate again.

There were rare times my ex initiated affection when he was still at home. But as he moved on further into MLC, he stated he felt weird in the house and uncomfortable initiating any affection there. He said he particularly had issues with the MBR which is why I think many of them land on the couch or in a self made dorm room. From my experience, I saw my ex recreate his family of origin childhood home and I swear he was back to being a kid in it. (Before it happened in front of my own eyes, I would NEVER have believed in MLC. I am highly educated, do not wear a tinfoil hat on my head, am not part of any cults, do not believe in conspiracy theories, etc, etc.).

Having witnessed it first hand, they just get weird, much like teens who incubate privately in their rooms and don’t want to be snuggling with their moms. But then they can have peek outs where they are glimmers of normalcy. The behaviors were so out there, I thought mine had a brain tumor (seriously!). I have teens now (they were 11 and 9 at bomb drop) and it amazes me how much my ex regressed to a true teen back when he lived with me. It was extraordinary to witness it.

Wish I had it all on nanny cam!!!!


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
CanBird #2879078 01/06/20 09:50 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
K
kml Offline
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 18,913
Likes: 316
Yeah, I think it was all right to try it - after all, he could have been holding back just because he feared you couldn't forgive him. But now the ball is in his court, if he doesn't reply in kind, then you know he's not ready for that.

Think of yourself as a scientist, conducting an experiment. Observe and record responses.

Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard