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If you set a boundary, then you need to follow through and not do it just to get a reaction out of him. If you don't follow through on your boundaries, he will know that you are just bluffing and trying to control/manipulate him.

When you discuss boundaries w/him (if you opt to do so), you must do it from a place of calm. You have to remain calm and think of the discussions as a business matter, i.e., which means...keep the emotions in check.

Give yourself a couple of days before you do anything and if you still feel strongly about setting a particular boundary, then do it...but remain as calm as you can.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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I’ve been thinking about it since last week, and I keep asking myself am I prepared to stay in this toxic R whilst there is an OW/EA that has been going on for a year, while he works away every week. And I tell myself that no I am not prepared to do this any more. And then I know that the only outcome might be that we S/D and that makes me sad but at the same time I seriously do question why I want to stay as I don’t like him any more


M:49 H:49
T:20 M:18
D:16 D:14

EA: Feb 2019-May 2020
Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020
H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020
EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020
Recon #2: since Nov 2020
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Originally Posted by Pommy99
I’ve been thinking about it since last week, and I keep asking myself am I prepared to stay in this toxic R whilst there is an OW/EA that has been going on for a year, while he works away every week. And I tell myself that no I am not prepared to do this any more. And then I know that the only outcome might be that we S/D and that makes me sad but at the same time I seriously do question why I want to stay as I don’t like him any more


He will never find you more attractive than when you are walking away.


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Pommy99 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Steve85

He will never find you more attractive than when you are walking away.

I’m just apprehensive now, he’s home in an hour. Perhaps I should focus on me and detachment rather than making a bold statement about leaving, or asking him why he has re-added EAP to his phone contacts while away (synced with iPad left at home)


M:49 H:49
T:20 M:18
D:16 D:14

EA: Feb 2019-May 2020
Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020
H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020
EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020
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Pommy, my STRONG recommendation is to focus on you and detach. Do not say anything about the EAP in the phone contacts. Walk away in your head. There is no need to make any bold proclamations at this point. Give yourself some time, focus on you, be done with his $hit and show him with your actions and attitude. Give it a little time to be 100% sure you can stick with the boundary you're considering. If nothing else, how could you possibly believe him at this point if he says OK, it is over with her? Or if he says sorry, I can't break it off with her-- what exactly will you do?

I am in somewhat the same position (as you know!!) and when I told him I thought he should leave he said no, which then put me in a quandary. I think you want to have the time and emotional space to really think through any path you want to take and be sure you have a plan to enact, regardless of what he says.

Hang in there.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Originally Posted by may22
Pommy, my STRONG recommendation is to focus on you and detach. Do not say anything about the EAP in the phone contacts. Walk away in your head. There is no need to make any bold proclamations at this point. Give yourself some time, focus on you, be done with his $hit and show him with your actions and attitude. Give it a little time to be 100% sure you can stick with the boundary you're considering. If nothing else, how could you possibly believe him at this point if he says OK, it is over with her? Or if he says sorry, I can't break it off with her-- what exactly will you do?

I am in somewhat the same position (as you know!!) and when I told him I thought he should leave he said no, which then put me in a quandary. I think you want to have the time and emotional space to really think through any path you want to take and be sure you have a plan to enact, regardless of what he says.

Hang in there.


Yes, I am thinking Pommy if you (and I) decide in our heads we cannot accept it. Prepare for a new life and be able to be on our own, supporting ourselves and children, emotionally, mentally, financially. I have realized I don't need to make some big bold announcement. It's for me. I am working on detaching and focusing on myself. Otherwise too much of my focus and power is going to him, and then that is what my happiness is dependent on.

Of course, it would be great if this results in his choosing to change his behavior and desires toward me. But, I realize I don't want to be anyone's Plan B. I don't want to be what he settles for because he is too afraid to go out on his own. Nothing stinks more than that. Not even the affair.

Last edited by oceangrl; 01/16/20 11:41 PM.

the best apology is changed behavior.
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me: 45 h: 48
m: 23 T: 26
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Pommy,

I have caught bits and pieces of your sitch but took the time to read through it today. I'm so sorry you're here and going through this. You are absolutely right in that H is in a crazy head space right now. I can see you doing some of the things that I have been guilty of doing in the heat of emotion. Please, please, please stop checking the ipad, phone, computer and others. You have asked posters for advice on how to detach and how to "fix" it. The BEST way you can begin the process of healing and detaching (for your own mental health) is to stop looking. I'm not going to lie, it will be excruciatingly hard at first. Especially when you see a glimpse of something that might be related. DON'T DO IT! If you can stop gaining knowledge about what he's doing and where, it becomes much easier to find your own balance and peace. I think this is the core of detachment. You'll read a lot of "he could tell you he just had a massive orgy and you just shrug your shoulders and walk away". Maybe that is the ideal detachment, but I know that no matter how detached I would be from the situation that would still sting like h*ll. For me, detachment is more about finding your inner peace and balance without H. You can do this - one step at a time friend. I will try and keep up with you and good luck!

KG


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
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Originally Posted by may22
Pommy, my STRONG recommendation is to focus on you and detach. Do not say anything about the EAP in the phone contacts. Walk away in your head. There is no need to make any bold proclamations at this point. Give yourself some time, focus on you, be done with his $hit and show him with your actions and attitude. Give it a little time to be 100% sure you can stick with the boundary you're considering. If nothing else, how could you possibly believe him at this point if he says OK, it is over with her? Or if he says sorry, I can't break it off with her-- what exactly will you do?

I am in somewhat the same position (as you know!!) and when I told him I thought he should leave he said no, which then put me in a quandary. I think you want to have the time and emotional space to really think through any path you want to take and be sure you have a plan to enact, regardless of what he says.

Hang in there.

May I screwed up big time as I challenged him on it when he got home. He denied contacting her but I just don’t know what is truth and what is a lie any more. We then got into a discussion about the lies and I know that will just push him further away. He then said he knows he wants to leave as although we have a fantastic relationship the main ingredient is missing (attraction/romantic love). I tried to validate like mad and not inflict my opinion or tell how we could work in it. This did change the emotion of the conversation from something hostile and he softened up a lot. We went to bed, had a hug. This morning he got up to take the kids to school then came back and we had along talk about what he feels/doesn’t feel. I tried to validate as much as poss. When he asked how I felt about something I was open and he actually validated back!! That doesn’t usually happen! However, when I told him I felt that him working away had prevented us from giving us a chance last year he disagreed and said that was nothing to do with it. Then I mentioned the kids missing him (they genuinely do -D13 was upset last night as she missed him and said she prefers it when we’re all together as a family. I think she is definitely picking up on things and worrying about what’s going on). So he said I was just making him feel guilty by telling him that, and I said I’m making you aware of how they feel. I praised him for working in the city to earn good money and give us a good lifestyle but added that we’d all rather be was here, even if the income was less. And I asked him if he would consider getting a job locally and he said it won’t make a difference to him leaving. I got a bit upset at one point and he got angry that I kept going on about the same thing about trying to make it work and how he makes a decision to leave and then I guilt him into staying. So it didn’t end well. I apologised and said I wouldn’t talk about the R any more and that i was just finding it hard to accept it was over.

He goes to his IC on Monday but said he wished it was today, as he wants to understand why he feels the need to leave. We both joked about how exhausted we are with the whole situation and how it would be great to have a simple life, we acknowledged we have it all, the perfect home and family but the glue that holds us together is missing.


M:49 H:49
T:20 M:18
D:16 D:14

EA: Feb 2019-May 2020
Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020
H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020
EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020
Recon #2: since Nov 2020
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Originally Posted by oceangirl


Yes, I am thinking Pommy if you (and I) decide in our heads we cannot accept it. Prepare for a new life and be able to be on our own, supporting ourselves and children, emotionally, mentally, financially. I have realized I don't need to make some big bold announcement. It's for me. I am working on detaching and focusing on myself. Otherwise too much of my focus and power is going to him, and then that is what my happiness is dependent on.

Of course, it would be great if this results in his choosing to change his behavior and desires toward me. But, I realize I don't want to be anyone's Plan B. I don't want to be what he settles for because he is too afraid to go out on his own. Nothing stinks more than that. Not even the affair.
i agree, I only want him to stay because he loves me, not because of guilt or fear, not even just for the kids. But I do feel that with working away and this OW we never have ourselves a chance to rebuild and that’s what I find hard to accept. But I guess the tactic was wrong all along. It wasn’t about ‘us’ rebuilding a marriage we should be getting to a healthy stage of self-acceptance, independence and confidence to be individuals. And then see if we can still work together.

My issue is ALWAYS the 3 days he is away. I can make all the plans in the world but I still feel anxiety inside and this manifests itself in the way I project to him. He said today when we speak on the phone it sounds as though my questions about what he has been doing aren’t to do with interest but more interrogation. I agree, but he did acknowledge he hasn’t made things easy for me because of the EA.

It’s weird because 12 months ago I was pretty much emotionally checked out and I couldn’t care less what he was up to. We could go 2-3 days without speaking. I need to let go emotionally like I did back then , but I’m finding it so hard.


M:49 H:49
T:20 M:18
D:16 D:14

EA: Feb 2019-May 2020
Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020
H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020
EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020
Recon #2: since Nov 2020
Joined: Jan 2020
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Originally Posted by KristinG
Pommy,

I have caught bits and pieces of your sitch but took the time to read through it today. I'm so sorry you're here and going through this. You are absolutely right in that H is in a crazy head space right now. I can see you doing some of the things that I have been guilty of doing in the heat of emotion. Please, please, please stop checking the ipad, phone, computer and others. You have asked posters for advice on how to detach and how to "fix" it. The BEST way you can begin the process of healing and detaching (for your own mental health) is to stop looking. I'm not going to lie, it will be excruciatingly hard at first. Especially when you see a glimpse of something that might be related. DON'T DO IT! If you can stop gaining knowledge about what he's doing and where, it becomes much easier to find your own balance and peace. I think this is the core of detachment. You'll read a lot of "he could tell you he just had a massive orgy and you just shrug your shoulders and walk away". Maybe that is the ideal detachment, but I know that no matter how detached I would be from the situation that would still sting like h*ll. For me, detachment is more about finding your inner peace and balance without H. You can do this - one step at a time friend. I will try and keep up with you and good luck!

KG

Hi KG thanks for your words of support. I went through a long period of not checking his phone, business receipts, iPad etc as all it did was fuel my anxiety. I’ve never asked to have him on Find My Friends as I felt it never proved anything. I stopped asking who he was out with/what time he got in etc when he was working away. I’d let him tell me but never probed. Unfortunately there have been two occasions recently where I have looked at his iPad in desperation for knowing what is going on, and I’ve started to ask again if he’s been in contact with OW. He gives me so many mixed messages - he’s leaving but never does, he is leaving but changes his mind hours later; he says he can’t see a future for us then next day says he wants to fix things. I am all over the place. I thought seeing the evidence that counters his lies would help. But it hasn’t. I know he’s lied but it hasn’t changed anything, other than make me feel like he’s a real sh1t! It’s difficult to shrug and say whatever when you know you are being wronged. I’m still struggling to accept that I have to accept his behaviour and disrespect, when if it was my own daughter I’d advise her the complete opposite.


M:49 H:49
T:20 M:18
D:16 D:14

EA: Feb 2019-May 2020
Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020
H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020
EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020
Recon #2: since Nov 2020
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