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Originally Posted by Pommy99
I’ve also had several episodes where he has feared I will walk away but has charmed me back in with proclamations of love/desire. I always fall for it. I feel like a puppet that gets picked up and played with, then dropped back in the toy box when it suits.


That is an excellent analogy! That's what you are to him right now. Like I said before- low value. He has no respect for you. So you need to work on getting the respect back. You are worth far more than the kind of treatment you are getting from him. DEMAND respect! Demand it through your actions, not words.

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GAL can feel draining when you’re already drained but I’m working on it.


It is very difficult to do at first. I had to pretty much drag myself out of the house kicking and screaming. I just wanted to roll up in a corner somewhere. But it is your quickest path to recovering and re-building your self-esteem.

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H went out for ‘quick drink’ at 7pm last night (after working away most of week) , came home smashed 6 hrs later. Dont have an issue with him going out but a courtesy txt would’ve been nice, esp since the pub is 5 mins walk and closes at 11.30.


Well you are right that a courtesy text would have been appropriate. But guess what, you're not going to get it. Why? Because like I keep saying, he's lost all respect for you. He doesn't care about your feelings and will trample on them at will. How you deal with it is by assuming he will behave like an errant teen and to leave him to it. You want to start getting some respect back? Then work a deal with him where YOU get to go out on certain nights and do what YOU want too. Maybe he gets Monday and Wednesday, and you get Tuesday and Thursday. Or maybe you each get one day, whatever works. On your days he watches the kids and you go do whatever you want and you don't tell him what you're doing. Maybe it's just going to a Starbucks and reading, but the point is he will wonder. You will become mysterious, and your value goes up in his eyes.

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He was affectionate when he got home but I didn’t reciprocate


Good.

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More affection this morning but again I held back, Then he pursued me around the bedroom and we ended up.... ugh I’m a bit mad at myself as I feel weak that I couldn’t say no, as I still have in the back of my mind what he said on Monday that he wants to fix things and sex has been an issue for him


Except now sex is just cake-eating for him. It's not about saving the M for him, it's about sexual gratification, period. He's using you.

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and I’m still trying to work out how to detach but not push him away .


Sandi's rules cover that.

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How do I deal with the anger and resentment I feel?


Find other outlets. Come here and vent, vent to friends (not mutual friends, it needs to be friends that have no contact with H), join a gym, take a boxing class or jiu jitsu or something very physical.

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I’ve just re-read a load of txt messages from H in Dec that are lies, lies and more lies to cover up his EA, where he made me feel broken and paranoid because I found evidence he’d been in contact. He made me feel bad for not trusting him.


This is what lying cheaters do. Are you familiar with the term "gaslighting"? If not, Google it and read up on it.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Breathe. Take some time. Always try to respond, not react.

Didn’t do very well on that tonight. I asked if OW had responded to his drunken ILY text - he said no, but then I followed up with more questions about when they’d seen each other etc. It got a bit hostile and he got defensive and faltered on his story, I know there are still lies in there.

He says he doesn’t want any further contact with her and that he wants a clear head with no distractions and to talk to his IC about why he feels like this. He doesn’t know if he is in love with her or not. The cynical side of me says he thinks he’ll have a clear conscience -esp for the sake of the children and his family - if he can walk away from the M and say there was no one else involved


M:49 H:49
T:20 M:18
D:16 D:14

EA: Feb 2019-May 2020
Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020
H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020
EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020
Recon #2: since Nov 2020
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Originally Posted by oceangrl


I think Pommy I have the same thoughts, and this is the advice I come back too, above. No, our spouse are not very attractive and lovable right now. There's not much that's desirable in their behavior. BUT once I divorce, it's done. So I am trying to really work on myself, my healthy positive mental attitude, and keep steering the focus back to what I want for my life. I have got to get off the roller coaster before I make such a huge decision.

If I divorced him today, no one would blame me. It would be totally understandable. But would I have regrets because I didn't get to that healthy place first? That I didn't try everything first? I can leave at anytime (or kick him out). i just have to be really clear on what I want first. And being the best me I can be. And I haven't been that for so long, I cant remember exactly what that is. I am a little farther down the road from BD than you are, so I still get frustrated, but my vision is a little more clear.

That makes sense. I feel in a very reactive place right now. The EA started 12 months ago but had supposedly ended in March - he put an end to it to work on his marriage. But at some point it gained momentum again and he’s kept it covered up.

I feel like we are back where we were 12 months ago - not communicating, not in any way close or affectionate, it was the rock bottom point of our marriage. I was trapped in an identity called “mum”, I got my love from the kids, H never made me feel like a W and equally I wasn’t treating him like a H. We let our relationship die. He then got a job in the city and life became exciting again. Meanwhile I was trapped at home still with the kids while he went away every week. I’ve tried to carve out a life and I’ve taken up new hobbies and am socialising more, but I guess I’ve still acted as the clingy wife as I’ve pandered to him all year in my quest to try and be his W again.

Anyway, I went to the gym last night. I have heaps of gym equipment here so usually work out at home, alone. But last night decided to go to the gym, told him I was going as it was more sociable!


M:49 H:49
T:20 M:18
D:16 D:14

EA: Feb 2019-May 2020
Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020
H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020
EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020
Recon #2: since Nov 2020
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander

Except now sex is just cake-eating for him. It's not about saving the M for him, it's about sexual gratification, period. He's using you .


Yes he is, and I feel like that afterwards. There’s no emotion in it for him, it’s purely transactional. I want to feel connection and I don’t feel that.

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This is what lying cheaters do. Are you familiar with the term "gaslighting"? If not, Google it and read up on it.


Gosh I am being gaslighted. My IC said the same last week as I was leaving my session, and I didn’t know what it meant or how significant it was. When I discovered he had been calling her (I went through his iPad and found multiple channels of communication with her) I actually said to him “for months you’ve made me feel like I’m losing my mind as you continually denied there had been any contact”. He went ballistic that I’d logged into his accounts, told me “once again you’ve made 2+2=5” . And even then, because I’d only found evidence of one phone call, he maintained it had been only one call. Fast forward 3 weeks and I now know that it’s been regular calls for months. “I’m not hiding anything from you “ he had said...

Ugh, I really don’t like my H any more. He’s away now for 3 days. Usually at this stage I feel incredibly anxious, but at the moment I feel eerily calm, and I don’t know why!


M:49 H:49
T:20 M:18
D:16 D:14

EA: Feb 2019-May 2020
Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020
H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020
EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020
Recon #2: since Nov 2020
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H has travelled away for work today for 3 days and messaged me “Hi babe, hope you have a lovely day xx”. I just don’t know how to respond, but have ignored it for 3 hrs. It’s not in my nature to ignore him but I’m so hurt right now because of the ILY txt he sent to OW, but more so the lies. Why is he doing this?


M:49 H:49
T:20 M:18
D:16 D:14

EA: Feb 2019-May 2020
Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020
H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020
EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020
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Originally Posted by Pommy99
H has travelled away for work today for 3 days and messaged me “Hi babe, hope you have a lovely day xx”. I just don’t know how to respond, but have ignored it for 3 hrs. It’s not in my nature to ignore him but I’m so hurt right now because of the ILY txt he sent to OW, but more so the lies. Why is he doing this?


Why does his text demand a response. I see no question in it. Ignoring it would be deleting it without reading it. You didn't ignore it. You read it. It doesn't require a response. Use this as an opportunity to work on detachment. A detached person would read it and move on.


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ok point taken! Not replying makes me uncomfortable. But also I don’t feel I have anything to say. Just want to make sure I’m not being reactive , I.e deliberately not replying because I’m hurt/angry. Keep telling myself he fired me as his W so why would I put effort into correspondence, but then again blanking him completely doesn’t feel right. That said, I can think of times when he was out with OW and refused to answer his phone all evening.


M:49 H:49
T:20 M:18
D:16 D:14

EA: Feb 2019-May 2020
Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020
H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020
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DBing feels completely uncomfortable at first. But you know what makes it more comfortable? When you start seeing results.

Don't focus on the results with HIM, focus on the results with YOU. Once you don't feel on the hook for every one of his words, actions, feelings, tick, etc you will start feeling free. DBing is freeing to the LBS. And sometimes, sometimes the side-effect is that it the WAS will wake-up, realize what they are losing, and come back to the marriage.

Pommy, your goal through DBing should be to save yourself, first and foremost. The saving of the MR should be a distance second.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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Originally Posted by Steve85
DBing feels completely uncomfortable at first. But you know what makes it more comfortable? When you start seeing results.

Don't focus on the results with HIM, focus on the results with YOU. Once you don't feel on the hook for every one of his words, actions, feelings, tick, etc you will start feeling free. DBing is freeing to the LBS. And sometimes, sometimes the side-effect is that it the WAS will wake-up, realize what they are losing, and come back to the marriage.

Pommy, your goal through DBing should be to save yourself, first and foremost. The saving of the MR should be a distance second.

Didn’t reply to txt, received an email at 3pm and didn’t reply to that either. He called me at 6pm, I deliberated whether to answer but I did answer and felt quite pleased when he asked if I’d received his txt and email and I could say yes . The fact that this played on my mind all day obviously tells me I have a lot of work to do with detachment, but I do feel better that I didn’t react and send back a message telling him I don’t want to talk to him because of how much he’s hurt me.


M:49 H:49
T:20 M:18
D:16 D:14

EA: Feb 2019-May 2020
Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020
H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020
EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020
Recon #2: since Nov 2020
Joined: Jan 2020
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I saw my therapist last night and she tells me everything is about him, his double life of city excitement (and EAP) and comfy home life. I have endured this for 12 months, and I am ready to stand up and state my boundaries. This is where I’m struggling. I would like a boundary in relation to the EAP but in my head it sounds like an ultimatum - if you choose to continue in any form of relationship with the EAP then I will take steps to end the marriage. And right now I strongly feel that is my only option. Why else would I stay in a M where he continues to live this double life. That’s not asking him to make a commitment to me as I can’t control that, but I am no longer prepared to continue with her in the frame. Is this a wise move? I know there would be no going back if he chooses not to end the EA. What would be a better boundary that doesn’t threaten divorce? I genuinely don’t know right now whether I love him or not .


M:49 H:49
T:20 M:18
D:16 D:14

EA: Feb 2019-May 2020
Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020
H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020
EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020
Recon #2: since Nov 2020
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