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Pommy99 Offline OP
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OMFG and in his drunken state last night he texted the EAP that he broke contact with on Tuesday and told her how he’d spent all evening telling his mate how much he loved her. He deleted the txt from his phone but it synced with his MacBook and when he showed me something on his Mac earlier his messages window was open and I saw it. Not clever. He’s maintaining he regretted it as soon as he sent it and it’s not the kind of love I’m imagining, but more a friendship love. Still says no PA and hasnt seen her since November - up until today he told me he hadn’t seen her since Aug. So many lies.

What next? So angry right now.


M:49 H:49
T:20 M:18
D:16 D:14

EA: Feb 2019-May 2020
Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020
H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020
EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020
Recon #2: since Nov 2020
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job Offline
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Breathe! Step back and observe. He knows you are angry w/him.

I wonder if he initiated the contact or if she did. Sounds like he might having an emotional affair w/her. I Do you think that is what is going on? I don't buy the old saying "just friends" if he brings that saying to the table. Give them enough rope and they hang themselves. It happens all of the time and they do slip up. Time is on your side.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Pommy, while upsetting it isn't the end of the world. Your situation is really no different than it was before. Also, detachment would be this running off your back like water off a duck.

Also, how you handled it can help or hurt your sitch. For instance, if you were looked "whatever", and moved on he's feel uncontrolled. Believe it or not, sometimes not caring about what they are doing takes the excitement away. It's a weird thing but lots of WASs are attracted to the taboo nature of As, EA or PA. When the LBS says, do whatever you want Sometimes that will shake the WAS out because the "permission" suddenly takes the flair away from the A. It also makes the LBS wonder why you don't care anymore. It makes them curious and start reengaging because they expect you to be angry and upset.

The lack of trying to control him, even in matters looked this, is huge. Not only for the effect it can have on him, but because trying to control someone else, because it is impossible, is very confining for you.

So I would just moved on from this, don't let him see you are upset about. You are on a journey to self improvement that will make EAP pale in comparison to you! Become the spouse only a total fool would leave!!


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Pommy, I'm just joining this thread and want to tell you how sorry I am you are dealing with this. My husband had an EA and PA with a good friend of mine. Reading what you have posted, your husband seems to have definitely had at least an EA with her. And if they have broken contact, it can take at least six months for the withdrawal stage to end. Have you read the book "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass? She explains so well the affects of an A on the brain and dopamine levels. These relationships never get out of the just dating phase since they never experience real life, and so they become addictions that require another hit to get those feelings again.

Anyway, I am also working on detachment and finally getting a life of my own. You're not the only one for sure! We are in this together.


the best apology is changed behavior.
***************
me: 45 h: 48
m: 23 T: 26
DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
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Pommy99 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by job
Breathe! Step back and observe. He knows you are angry w/him.

I wonder if he initiated the contact or if she did. Sounds like he might having an emotional affair w/her. I Do you think that is what is going on? I don't buy the old saying "just friends" if he brings that saying to the table. Give them enough rope and they hang themselves. It happens all of the time and they do slip up. Time is on your side.

Definitely an EA. Every day brings a new revelation, and I now know that they have been back in regular contact sine at least October -phone calls, WhatsApp etc and he just scrubs the evidence off his phone before he gets home every week. Even when I asked him about any contact back in November he lied and said he hadn’t spoken in months and months, and he’s kept that story going since then. When he slipped up and I saw on his iPad in mid December that he had called her, he said it was only one call and it was about a job opportunity and they didn’t talk on a personal level. So many lies!


M:49 H:49
T:20 M:18
D:16 D:14

EA: Feb 2019-May 2020
Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020
H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020
EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020
Recon #2: since Nov 2020
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 310
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Pommy99 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Steve85

Also, how you handled it can help or hurt your sitch. For instance, if you were looked "whatever", and moved on he's feel uncontrolled. Believe it or not, sometimes not caring about what they are doing takes the excitement away. It's a weird thing but lots of WASs are attracted to the taboo nature of As, EA or PA. When the LBS says, do whatever you want Sometimes that will shake the WAS out because the "permission" suddenly takes the flair away from the A. .

We were due to go to a party together 2 hrs after I saw the “I love you text”. He asked if he should still come and I said no actually I’d rather go on my own. I came home at 2am and slept in the spare room. He came to me the next morning, I refrained from bringing anything up and let him do the talking. Says he’s confused, but again said he would tell me where he is any time of day or night when he is away. I just shrugged and said I don’t really want a relationship based on surveillance and mistrust. I’ve backed off but he has also. We spent the afternoon out with kids but we were not close or affectionate in any way. Now I feel crappy as he goes away tomorrow and we are so distant already. Just need to focus on detachment I guess?


M:49 H:49
T:20 M:18
D:16 D:14

EA: Feb 2019-May 2020
Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020
H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020
EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020
Recon #2: since Nov 2020
Joined: Jan 2020
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Pommy99 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by oceangrl
Pommy, I'm just joining this thread and want to tell you how sorry I am you are dealing with this. My husband had an EA and PA with a good friend of mine. Reading what you have posted, your husband seems to have definitely had at least an EA with her. And if they have broken contact, it can take at least six months for the withdrawal stage to end. Have you read the book "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass? She explains so well the affects of an A on the brain and dopamine levels. These relationships never get out of the just dating phase since they never experience real life, and so they become addictions that require another hit to get those feelings again.

Anyway, I am also working on detachment and finally getting a life of my own. You're not the only one for sure! We are in this together.

Thanks OG, it’s comforting knowing that what me and H are both experiencing is normal, and I appreciate your support also. His IC did explain to him about the dopamine and addiction side of this. I hope he goes back to see her as he has only had one appt. I’m trying to detach and not show him any upset but the message I saw feels like another twist of the knife.


M:49 H:49
T:20 M:18
D:16 D:14

EA: Feb 2019-May 2020
Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020
H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020
EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020
Recon #2: since Nov 2020
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 310
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Pommy99 Offline OP
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How do I deal with the anger and resentment I feel? I’ve just re-read a load of txt messages from H in Dec that are lies, lies and more lies to cover up his EA, where he made me feel broken and paranoid because I found evidence he’d been in contact. He made me feel bad for not trusting him. I strongly feel like I want him to leave but I don’t know if that is just a further reaction to what I saw at the weekend. (ILY txt to the EAP)

I’m sure I’m not the only one who hates their WAS right now and is wondering why they want to keep them.


M:49 H:49
T:20 M:18
D:16 D:14

EA: Feb 2019-May 2020
Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020
H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020
EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020
Recon #2: since Nov 2020
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
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Originally Posted by Pommy99
How do I deal with the anger and resentment I feel? I’ve just re-read a load of txt messages from H in Dec that are lies, lies and more lies to cover up his EA, where he made me feel broken and paranoid because I found evidence he’d been in contact. He made me feel bad for not trusting him. I strongly feel like I want him to leave but I don’t know if that is just a further reaction to what I saw at the weekend. (ILY txt to the EAP)

I’m sure I’m not the only one who hates their WAS right now and is wondering why they want to keep them.


Pommy the problem is that you are on a roller-coaster of emotions. Right now you hate him. Tomorrow you will be in a panic that you are losing him and can't live without him. And then there are infinite states in-between those two extremes. We tell LBSs around her to never act out of emotion, as little good usually comes out of that. Not sure if it was you or another poster, but someone was struggling with the idea of asking their WAS to leave. My question is always the same: do you really want them to leave?

In your case, my guess is deep down that you do not. You are hurt and angry. Once the hurt and anger naturally begin to recede, then you he will still be gone. And there will be nothing less attractive and damaging to your sitch like begging him to come back.

Breathe. Take some time. Always try to respond, not react.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Jan 2020
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Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by Pommy99
How do I deal with the anger and resentment I feel? I’ve just re-read a load of txt messages from H in Dec that are lies, lies and more lies to cover up his EA, where he made me feel broken and paranoid because I found evidence he’d been in contact. He made me feel bad for not trusting him. I strongly feel like I want him to leave but I don’t know if that is just a further reaction to what I saw at the weekend. (ILY txt to the EAP)

I’m sure I’m not the only one who hates their WAS right now and is wondering why they want to keep them.


Pommy the problem is that you are on a roller-coaster of emotions. Right now you hate him. Tomorrow you will be in a panic that you are losing him and can't live without him. And then there are infinite states in-between those two extremes. We tell LBSs around her to never act out of emotion, as little good usually comes out of that. Not sure if it was you or another poster, but someone was struggling with the idea of asking their WAS to leave. My question is always the same: do you really want them to leave?

In your case, my guess is deep down that you do not. You are hurt and angry. Once the hurt and anger naturally begin to recede, then you he will still be gone. And there will be nothing less attractive and damaging to your sitch like begging him to come back.

Breathe. Take some time. Always try to respond, not react.


I think Pommy I have the same thoughts, and this is the advice I come back too, above. No, our spouse are not very attractive and lovable right now. There's not much that's desirable in their behavior. BUT once I divorce, it's done. So I am trying to really work on myself, my healthy positive mental attitude, and keep steering the focus back to what I want for my life. I have got to get off the roller coaster before I make such a huge decision.

If I divorced him today, no one would blame me. It would be totally understandable. But would I have regrets because I didn't get to that healthy place first? That I didn't try everything first? I can leave at anytime (or kick him out). i just have to be really clear on what I want first. And being the best me I can be. And I haven't been that for so long, I cant remember exactly what that is. I am a little farther down the road from BD than you are, so I still get frustrated, but my vision is a little more clear.


the best apology is changed behavior.
***************
me: 45 h: 48
m: 23 T: 26
DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
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