Dealing with WAH who wants his cake and eat it

[Pommy99]

May I’ve read your threads gosh we are in the same boat. Our Hs might be twins also! Same deluded vision of divorce, same indecision, emotional detachment but get along great, same work situations (me stable income, him self employed - and I’m SO aggrieved that’s the expensive dinners in swanky restaurants in high-class suburbs although ultimately were a business expense, were paid on a credit card that came out of OUR joint account. And like you say more expenses = less family income ). He was completely deluded with there being no impact on the kids and had no idea of the financial implications. In the last 10 days I’ve asked him to leave, presented the reality of divorce and sent him some stuff to read on managing the impact of D&S on kids. He’s checked out the cost and quality of house rentals, and is thoroughly unimpressed, ...and now he is doing a u-turn, saying he wants to work things out. I feel that this is more to do with his quality of life, as well as guilt re the children, and nothing to do with feelings for me, because let’s face it, he doesn’t love me romantically and doesn’t want sex with me. But he wants to go to MC?

What is my next move? The dynamics are shifting , from him being totally in control to me challenging him. I’ve gone from being totally fixated on wanting him back to feeling like I don’t even know what I want any more. Xmas was a disaster. He was home for 3 weeks with no working away and it was supposed to be a time for spending quality time together. I discovered he’d called her in December and he said it was one call about a job, then I uncovered more - at the moment he’s admitted more phone calls in Nov and Dec, emails, LinkedIn messages, deleted WhatsApp conversations but maintains he hasn’t actually seen her since August as she no longer works in the city. It came to a head while we were in a taxi on the way to the airport for a weekend away after Xmas and a message came in from her which he frantically tried to delete before I could see it. I yelled at the taxi to turn round and H reluctantly agreed to show me the message - but only after he’d read it first. The message was complaining that he hadn’t been in touch and it had hurt her ‘just like last time’, and especially after he had ‘begged’ her to come back. I asked him what she meant and he says he has no idea!!!! We went away for the weekend, we had sex in the hotel, then virtually blanked me the next day. When we got home I asked him to leave. And now the u-turn after seeing the therapist.

I don’t know what to do next. I’ve lost all trust in him.

[may22]

Hey Pommy,

This is so crazy. Wow.

My H swore upside down that there was no PA and that it had started in January 2019 (he told me about her in August). A number of posters told me that there was a strong likelihood that there was a PA and I should be prepared for it (as you probably saw in my threads). So I guess based on my experience I would say be prepared. I mean, he definitely had the means, motive, and opportunity (just like mine) and is saying all the same things about not wanting sex, blah blah blah. What would be different for you if they were physically intimate? On the forum folks are warning that you should not sleep with him if you have any concerns about a PA because of STDs and you might want to go get tested just in case.

For me, the BD that it was a PA (and had lasted twice as long as he had admitted) really changed a lot for me in how I understood it. Now I'm imagining them having these romantic little vacations (he's been to her city 12 times in 2 years), sleeping and waking up together (for whatever reason THAT is the most painful), plus the sex and it really f***ing killed me. Luckily I was somewhat prepared and so handled it better in the moment than I could have otherwise, but I'm still reeling and processing. I might recommend thinking through how you would respond if it is indeed a PA and if things would be different for you.

One thing I might note-- my H gave me the same speech about stopping being in love/stopping trying to initiate sex (and coming to this realization that I "broke him sexually"). Now I know that this "realization" came at the same time he met and started the affair with the AP. He pretends that they aren't connected but of course they are. So possible there is a similar connection to your H's speech in November 2018. Do you know when he met his EAP? (Also, if she's saying "begged her to come back" that sounds more like an R than just a friendship gone a bit too far. I would definitely be prepared. Don't want to be all doom and gloom but I was glad I wasn't blindsided more than I was on this one.)

Also, interesting to see the power dynamic shifting in both our sitches, though mine isn't saying he wants to work things out necessarily towards R, but that we work together on what we do no matter where it takes us and that he doesn't want to rush into anything. (I won't do that unless AP is 100% out of the picture and it can be proven to me, which is highly unlikely.) Also, WHY won't they f**ing leave when we ask???

I would say the following (none original, all things other posters have said to me that have helped):

-- the pursuer/distancer dynamic is real. You see it working. Keep it up.

-- think about what your boundaries are-- you can share them here and folks will help you. Read the boundary thread, a lot. I have had a really hard time separating what is a boundary for me vs. trying to control him.

-- focus on YOU. Try to stop worrying about him. He's f*ed in the head. What do YOU want? How can you spend your time doing things that will help you?

--working out has had a huge positive impact for me. I would strongly recommend it. (Also the "H being in love with someone else" diet is a miracle worker. I now weigh less than I did when we got married. My H's mom was like you have lost so much weight! How did you do that? I said I wasn't all that hungry, and my H standing behind his mom started giving me major dirty looks and shaking his head at me. hahaha.)

-- is there other info on your sitch you want to share? How old are your kids?

[Pommy99]

i don’t know how I’d feel if I found out there was a PA. at the moment I don’t know how I feel about anything.

We had a fight on the phone last night. He Is away and told me he’d gone for dinner with a male colleague in a certain restaurant, it was a restaurant he’d been to twice in Jan/Feb last year, where I had found receipts for dinners for two. So of course I dragged that up last night. I know I shouldn’t have said anything.

I saw my IC yesterday and she said it’s all about him, and it’s now time to think about me, what do I want my life and marriage to look like, what are my boundaries and deal breakers. I think him working away every week is a deal breaker. I simply cannot cope with this weekly anxiety. I did it all of last year and I was a mess inside, even though I tried to present myself as cheery and positive when we talked. Perhaps when he breaks contact with the EAP I might start to handle it, but at the same time, do I want this life where I only see him 4 days out of 7, and we then have to cram in family time as well as time for us in those 4 days. He gets the best of both worlds every week - he has a gym membership down there, always someone to go to dinner/drinks with, no kids to look after, no cooking, cleaning, chores, homework, etc.

I was already very active when this all kicked off but I am struggling to motivate myself. I used to train maybe 8-10 hrs a week, now I’m lucky if I do 3. I’ve taken up 2 new hobbies, plus I go out most weeks when he is away. However I find it hard to not constantly think about what might be going on in the city and struggle to relax. Yes I’ve also done the “my husband is having an A diet”. I dropped from 62kg to 56kg in about a month in March/April. I went back up to 59 but hit 56.0 in December again.

I feel so trapped inside a life I don’t enjoy and can’t seem to change.

[Pommy99]

Please can someone give me some advice. I feel like I need to rename this thread as it’s not anything to do with being stuck in the friend zone. It’s full on H hasn’t got a clue what he wants and I don’t know if I am DBing, or Piecing, or something else.

Summary
11 months trying to fix things, with H not sure if he wanted to try (ILYB)
Numerous announcements from H Oct 2019 -Jan 2020 that he wants to leave
Jan 6th H went to first IC and came home announcing he wants to try and fix things. IC said he needed to break contact with EAP. He talks about MC
Jan 7th H travels away for 3 days, contacts EAP and tells her no more friendship as he wants to try and fix his M
Jan 9th H arrives home, says he’s confused, doesn’t know what he wants, but wants to try because 1. Doesn’t want to break up his fsmily. 2. Doesn’t want lose the home he’s worked so hard for to go and live alone in a tiny rental. 3. Doesn’t want to break the commitment he made 18 years ago to the woman he married. But says he’s unhappy and depressed. He’s sceptical that ending the EA will help him discover feelings for me. Since announcing he wants to try, he’s actually been more distant -less contact while he is away and no longer holding hands/arm over me in bed.

I don’t know what strategy I need to follow? Do I talk about the R and what we need to do to reconcile, or do I follow DBing and not talk about the R? Do I try and discuss deal breakers (him working away every week ) or will that push him away? I feel that reconciliation needs to consider both our needs but at the moment we’re not in the same headspace or on the same page.

He wants to try and fix things but doesn’t know what he wants - isn’t that a complete contradiction?

The anxiety every time he goes away is crippling me, and in turn this affects the children. I think I have done a pretty good job of GAL. also he says the last year or marriage has been brilliant in that we get on so well. But there is no romance and passion, and that is what was driving him to leave.

I just don’t know what to do. As normal I have him home until 6am Tuesday then he will go again.

I would really appreciate some tips!!

[AnotherStander]

Pommy, very sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately you are nowhere close to piecing. It sounds like your H is in MLC, and if he is then things are going to get worse before they might get better. The best thing you can do right now is embrace DB'ing. Give him time and space. Do not try to work on the M right now, just let it be. He's on a journey that only he can make. You can't make it better or faster for him, but you can slow it down. So get out of his way. Focus on you and the kids. Get out and GAL. Stop the MC. Become independent of him. He's got to learn to miss you and think he may lose you before he decides for sure that he wants to reconcile. That is probably way down the road so you've got to be patient.

What you don't want to do right now is welcome him back with open arms every time he claims he's made a decision to save the M. That is just a reflection of how he feels at that moment in time and that will change quickly. The next thing you know he'll be back in contact with OW, and probably chasing OW 2 and 3 while he's at it. He has a lot of work to do on himself and he hasn't even started it. If you sweep it all under the rug and "resume" the M then you'll get hit with another BD in the near future.

[Pommy99]

AnotherStander, thank you so much for the advice. I can tell his head is not fully into reconciliation but i didn’t know if that was normal. I did ask him to leave last week as I feel that he needs to understand the reality of what he wants to create. I suspect his announcement to fix things post-IC session is just to buy him more time. What is killing me is that he gets to walk away every week and enjoy his exciting city life, the freedoms that brings, and then come home to his nice house, car, kids every week without the emotional attachment. He really is having his cake, and this has been going on for a year.

I am really at breaking point but I want to save my marriage. My emotional health is taking a battering and i don’t know how long I can continue in this state.

[SteveLW]

Pommy, we have a saying around here: When he wants to come back you will know. We he doesn't, you will be confused.

So continue to treat your sitch for what it is: dealing with a WAH.

[Pommy99]

Pommy, we have a saying around here: When he wants to come back you will know. We he doesn't, you will be confused.

So continue to treat your sitch for what it is: dealing with a WAH.

thankyou Steve, it breaks my heart to read that.

Should I ask him to leave? He has no incentive to change his way of life as he has everything the way he wants it. And by not leaving he doesn’t have to deal with the guilt that has been troubling him about the kids. It’s also financially convenient - he knows he will probably have to sell his beloved car (MLC purchase) in order to for us to afford to run 2 households plus his weekly business expenses. He also knows that because he works away in the week, he would have to have the kids every weekend. He already said this wasn’t fair! I said his priority is his kids not his social life, what other solution does he see if he can’t have them during the week? So all in all, leaving is pretty unappealing right now, which is why I think he says he wants to fix things.

Last night he said I need to do what’s best for me. I feel like he is pushing the decision on me and this might be to ease his guilt about the 3 lives he’s going to devastate.

[job]

I will be happy to change your thread title if you will tell me what you want it to say.

[SteveLW]

Pommy, we have a saying around here: When he wants to come back you will know. We he doesn't, you will be confused.

So continue to treat your sitch for what it is: dealing with a WAH.

thankyou Steve, it breaks my heart to read that.

Should I ask him to leave? He has no incentive to change his way of life as he has everything the way he wants it. And by not leaving he doesn’t have to deal with the guilt that has been troubling him about the kids. It’s also financially convenient - he knows he will probably have to sell his beloved car (MLC purchase) in order to for us to afford to run 2 households plus his weekly business expenses. He also knows that because he works away in the week, he would have to have the kids every weekend. He already said this wasn’t fair! I said his priority is his kids not his social life, what other solution does he see if he can’t have them during the week? So all in all, leaving is pretty unappealing right now, which is why I think he says he wants to fix things.

Last night he said I need to do what’s best for me. I feel like he is pushing the decision on me and this might be to ease his guilt about the 3 lives he’s going to devastate.

Pommy do you want him to leave? Or do you just want to use asking him to leave to shake him up? If the former, then yes ask him to leave. (Understand he legally doesn't have to.) If it is the latter, then do not. Manipulation attempts like that are pressure and pursuit. And they almost always backfire.