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Originally Posted by Core
Thank you for the responses yesterday. I started an R chat yesterday, trying to get transparency on what happened previously while also voicing how I've felt. Stupid in my book now that i look back. I read up on piecing elsewhere where they talk about going through the past hurts and clearing the air. The more I reflect, the more I see DB rules and advice have been superior thus far.

I believe I almost pushed W back to saying we should end it. I switched subjects but I also despise how D is used as a weapon against me for control. If we repair, would she always threaten to leave....maybe. I find it disrespectful yet we are or said we were working on respect.

I'm back in limbo, maybe worse off than a month or two ago. Follow the rules.

I cant find the same patience and strength many of you have. How in times like this did you pull together so much patience? We've now had 3 chats that were not productive since our reconcile chat. I'm scared to be honest. I hurt almost as much as 3 weeks after BD. Its almost like she asked for D all over again.

I still dont think she wants the D, at least not 100 percent. How can the WW not see how much damage they are causing. Even with counseling, I can see myself getting PTSD over this.



Core can you do this.

I don't mean this to crap on you but I don't think guys had a real "R" talk if you know what I mean and as we all mentioned you definitly weren't piecing. It doesn't seem like she's at that point so don't go digging for info from her. I know how easy it is to assume the best because that's what you want.

Now, don't ASSUME everything that she's saying means ANYTHING. Period. You have no idea what the future holds for you both and I can tell you assume if you work things out that she's going to be the same person she's kind of being now.

One of the best things you can do right now is really focus on DETACHING. You don't initiate any talks except for pleasantries as you would a cashier. If she talks, you LISTEN and VALIDATE when appropriate. It doesn't mean you agree, it means you understand her feelings (as crazy as you may think they are). You need to step back and let go a little here...a lot here. But you can do this.


H 37
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S 2

T: 7
M: 4

BD 12/18
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Originally Posted by Core
LH, thank you. It would probably take all night to get through them all! For you and anyone listening, this is where my mind is.

These bug me the most:
Lost time with kids if we D
****This is real but the quality of the time will be better and will make up for lost time*****
Impact on the kids from losing their home, family structure, and school district
**** This can be controlled by how well your work together*****
Help- I've very little help with the kids outside of Ws family and friends
*****Why do you need help*****
Diet- kids and I would eat way worse if we D
*****Why? Something definitely under your control******
Loneliness - ive had very few serious relationships before W. I havent been successful with women. When I finally was successful, I reverted on what made me strong and attractive. Dont want to lose that again.
*****again, something you can control*******
Retirement- i started 401k late. Likely to not retire until after 72-75 if we D.
****You have no idea what the future holds*********
Kids-who knows what type of man would raise them
****Do you trust your W? If not, maybe you picked the wrong person?******
Dying alone
***Possible if your second W dies first, but you most likely still have your kids****
Finding a woman who is crazy, diseased or harmful to the kids if I d.
*****Thats 100% on you*******
Finding someone I love and going through this again at the 5-10 year itch
*** that you can't control but you can control how you show up which will lessen the chances of that happening again***
Finding someone, then have W want to reconcile
****Cross that bridge when you come to it******
Going months on end with no physical contact
**** I love women as much as anyone and I have gone months with out physical. You won't shrivel up and die***
Living with parents or in a small apartment with no ownership
****Maybe temporarily but you will own a house again******

As Captain America says, I could go all day.

It's not uncommon to have these fears. Most people stay in bad marriages because these fears. You can truly have any kind of life that you want if you are willing to work for it. Pursuit will get you divorced. Time, space, working on yourself gives you a chance.

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Originally Posted by Core
Thank you for the responses yesterday. I started an R chat yesterday, trying to get transparency on what happened previously while also voicing how I've felt. Stupid in my book now that i look back. I read up on piecing elsewhere where they talk about going through the past hurts and clearing the air. The more I reflect, the more I see DB rules and advice have been superior thus far.

I believe I almost pushed W back to saying we should end it. I switched subjects but I also despise how D is used as a weapon against me for control. If we repair, would she always threaten to leave....maybe. I find it disrespectful yet we are or said we were working on respect.

I'm back in limbo, maybe worse off than a month or two ago. Follow the rules.

I cant find the same patience and strength many of you have. How in times like this did you pull together so much patience? We've now had 3 chats that were not productive since our reconcile chat. I'm scared to be honest. I hurt almost as much as 3 weeks after BD. Its almost like she asked for D all over again.

I still dont think she wants the D, at least not 100 percent. How can the WW not see how much damage they are causing. Even with counseling, I can see myself getting PTSD over this.

Change your mindset from weak and negative to strong and positive. Quit letting people's words control you.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Core -

The more I pursued, the farther away WAW got. I did it for 6 months before I found DB. I stopped all pursuit about 11 months ago now.

It still took another 6 months after I stopped pursuit for WAW to pause, to stop talking S and D and getting rid of the house - to change her mind just a LITTLE.

You can keep pursuing and push W right away from you. Or you can pause, reassess, and figure out what it is you want out of life.

My advice? Slow down.

Pretend like you are taking life at 1/10th speed.

Get very quiet. Act more, talk way less - think Clint Eastwood. Practice making decisions for yourself. Take care of yourself. Control yourself.

Do these things for yourself - not to have an impact on your W or your MR. Do it in order to work on how patient you can be. To build your strength, for YOU. Not for W.

R chats will do you no good right now. Unless you enjoy pain and suffering for no reason. I kinda think you don't, judging from your posts here.

Worrying about recon is for the future, not now.

You CAN do this.

Stay strong smile

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I hope I didn’t come off sounding mean.

My general point is, your list seems as is you can’t handle yourself or kids without the wife. I think you most certainly can. And knowing that will put you in a place of power. Until you realize that, she will have the upper hand and not gain respect for you.

You have to believe you can care for yourself and your children without her. Physically and emotionally.

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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I hope I didn’t come off sounding mean.

My general point is, your list seems as is you can’t handle yourself or kids without the wife. I think you most certainly can. And knowing that will put you in a place of power. Until you realize that, she will have the upper hand and not gain respect for you.

You have to believe you can care for yourself and your children without her. Physically and emotionally.


Ginger, no worries whatsoever, I thank you for the insights and don't think it sounded mean. I want the 2x4s. Any indirect talk leaves people to fill in the blanks. Much better with the directness.

Ovr, Green, LH, Jac, Hallzy and Iron - you're right, still plenty of work to do. Plenty of what you wrote got through, I hope it sticks. I come back to reread often but sometimes when youre in different emotional states, we absorb info very differently. I've two ropes to let go off, my attachment, and control. Both not easy, I do see why couples try separation by being in different homes. I've seen myself repeat a few times already on this board.

W talked to me a few times this weekend, mostly business. A bit about our friends and family as well. She brought up gifts for an upcoming family bday and was asking about family passes to our local kids complex and a fun center. Also brought up us not spending alot now, so we can get kids gifts around easter. Her tone most of the time is way more gentle than the last three months. I don't think im reading much in to it as I still have bad vibes over the whole sitch. Stating it all here in case this is a normal pattern in a bad or good direction.

A few dats ago, W told me when I'm home, it feels like her commander is home. Definitely a sign of my control however I've also tried to undo that thinking at least a year before BD. A few mistakes entrenched a pattern which I can control. The pattern on my end has been broke for quite some time.

Ws car is having some electrical issues...Im supposed to detach and not pursue so is the recommendation is for W to take care of it?

I certainly no longer feel like we're doing any kind of piecing however if we truly are, shouldnt the H take the lead, get vulnerable and take action as the family leader? Would fixing the car come off as pursuing? I know mechanics would more likely lie to her for more money.

As W asked for time, I feel like she is pressuring herself to stay in the M. I told her Im ok either way however I want time as well. We said we are working on the M (previously, not new) and she said she isn't backing out of reconciliation but wants that time. Believe none of what they say I know. My question, should I say I want time or space to take the pressure off her? If she is serious about piecing however then I'd be communicating to her that I have one foot out the door. She has stated that she's felt I wad ready to leave the M for years. Not true but its how she feels at this time.


H37, W37
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ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
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If she asks you to help out with her car you can make that decision...but do it with no expectations of anything.

I don't think you need to have a talk with her. She's asked for the space so just show her by your actions that you're listening to her. If she asks down the road why you seem to be distant you can tell her you were just giving her the space that she asked for. And then listen...and validate when appropriate.

From my personal experience...the less talking the better. We've been separated now for just about a year and it's only been in the last couple months that things have significantly improved and it looks like there is a path back to a better Marriage. BUT...she's still not moving back in as she still has lots of work to do on herself.

Be patient...be the lighthouse and let her see the changes you are making, especially from the control standpoint.


H 37
W 31
S 2

T: 7
M: 4

BD 12/18
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Core, I agree with Jac. If she thinks you're controlling then the best play here would be to ask her if she would like your assistance and let it be her choice. My XW wanted to do things herself and be more independent after BD. And she's still like that all these years later. But at times it's just beyond her abilities (she has arthritis). Just a couple of weeks ago she asked for help with her washing machine. She had done all the research and knew what was wrong with it and what parts to order, but couldn't take it apart herself. I'll help her when she asks, and I'll sometimes offer if she mentions something she needs to do. But I always make sure it's HER choice rather than just jumping in and doing it like I used to.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Those of you that reconciled, do you regret it? I'm recalling more of my past and remember more and more of the bad times. Was it worth it to you to go through all this?

I sense W is gaining some respect and I do see more is needed if I were to be happy. We split time in the MBR. Wondering if I should take it back. We're on good terms however I don't yet see us piecing unless its a very slow process. What are thoughts on taking the MBR back permanently now that W said she wants to reconcile, whether she meant it or not. Being a nice guy, what are other ways to get more respect here? Overall I think W is the only person who disrespects me. Really makes me wonder if my NG behaviors are that bad. I'd be disrespected left and right if that was the case.

A recap, we agreed to reconcile then W asked for time/space to process her feelings. I've upped my GAL. We talk way more, and are connecting ever so slightly. No counseling or future plans together. I think I've been controlled and placated or am I over thinking it and I should give more time?

Last edited by Core; 01/23/20 08:02 PM. Reason: Punctuation

H37, W37
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ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
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C,

You’re not reconciling if she’s asking for time and space. I would give it more time and focus on yourself and the children. Start to think about what kind of life you would like to have for you and the kids. If your W wants to be a part of it great! If she doesn’t that’s ok too.

I saw you posted on Scotty B’s thread so you know this limbo period can go on for a really long time. Ultimately you get to decide in the end how long it lasts.

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