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C,

Originally Posted by Core

At a time when there is hard evidence of the OM, Im still not supposed to confront? How can I earn respect from myself or anyone living in the same house while it is blatant what is happening? I dont want that around me. .


It’s ok to confront as long as you have a plan of action to follow. You apparently do not so you look weak. When you look weak there is no respect. You would have been better of ignoring it and continuing to 180 and GAL. You’re living in fear right now and until you get stronger unfortunately you will suffer.

Just out of curiosity what do you think you were going to get out of confrontation?

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LH, I hear you. Both options suck. I cant pull the trigger on divorce. Yet. My friend is surviving and becoming happier after his marriage where a PA lasted for a long time. Im reasoning with myself, telling myself this is her sickness, like mine was anxiety. The longer this lasts though, the more me and the kids seem to lose, and the more she gains.

That's irking me too. I'd love to be SAHD, spending all day with the kids, having a spouse come home to share all the fun events with. Not only is she SAHM, she also gets the best of both worlds with OM and I. She stated twice this AM how good a dad and man I am, but terrible husband.


H37, W37
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Who said you had to get a divorce?

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Originally Posted by LH19
C,
Just out of curiosity what do you think you were going to get out of confrontation?

I didn't have a plan. I see the flaw just in writing that sentence. Maybe I was hoping for a confession, tears, and her saying she wants the M, etc.

Originally Posted by Mach1
Sooooo....

What does love mean to you ???

And not some sappy Hallmark BS answer.....

What does it mean, to love someone ???

There used to be a slogan around here, that if something the WAS said to you, sent that little burn up the back of your neck...

Then maybe you should look into why it angered you so much...

And you may say that you were angry over finding the texts...

However....

YOU need to rise above this...

Whatever that looks like.

YOU need to rise above everything that is going on around you, and find YOUR center...


Mach, good questions.
Love IMO is trust, committment, respect, showing signs of affection, empathy, caring and knowing what you'd sacrifice for said person. Giving, not just taking. Thinking of the person when your in your best and worst moments. I dont think of love as a feeling. I see it as more than that.

I believe here what angered me about W's responses is the disrespect and invalidness of the statements. Which I see as signs of not loving, caring or even having sympathy.

Rise above while everything is crumbling. That my friend is a difficult feat!


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Core - I’m sorry you find yourself here. I too am very new and far from doing anything well. I’m guilty of not reading your full thread so forgive me if this is inaccurate but the last few posts I did read appear like you are having difficulty in the detachment area. I too am struggling with this. I can tell you that I feel the most confident IN MYSELF when I don’t think about what H is doing, where H is going, who H is talking to, who gave H certain things I’ve found or the future. We are still living together so everything is right in front of me all the time. Days that I feel insecure, angry, and baffled by how H can’t “snap out of it” I replay advice in my head that works for me....

-This isn’t about me...it hurts me but only when I allow it to
-remember the confusion in your W ...when I feel like I’m wrong/crazy I quickly think of the some of the most baffling things H has said and then let it go again...
-compassionate detachment (learned on this forum) is my center. H doesn’t want me right now and I’m not begging (been there done that) but I have chosen to still be here IF he turns around
-I’ve almost fully stopped snooping cause I spiral every time I find something...for me there there is NO fact...so why get worked up over maybe’s (i need to take my own advice on this one)!

I try to make myself laugh a lot too (even tho not much is funny to me right now)....as Im writing this I had the song “I will survive” running through my head like a theme song .... interesting lyrics if you ask me:

“At first I was afraid, I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along
And so you're back
From outer space....”

Hmmmmmm...could this be about an MLCr??? The alien reference is BANG ON ...no????

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Steve, Mario you said awhile back to have patience. Thats when it wasnt 100 percent sure if the EA continued. Now I know its still happening. Is the fix here to sit and let it happen? That doesnt feel right at all. Nothing I can do that isnt controlling or punishing, so what do I do? W legit said she wants the family unit but doesnt want to work on the marriage and I think indirectly said she wants the EA to continue.

This SOB contacting her went on instagram to write about love (potentially about my wife if she isnt lying). They are out there. So I keep working my 9 to 5 and pretend this isnt happening which seems foolish now. What have others done? Im not about to wait out a full EA. W admitted it wouldnt work with them yet still needs the fix. So who knows when another suitor appears.


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So, basically she told you she wants her cake and she wants to eat it too.

So what can you do within your control? I don’t think pretending like it isn’t happening is the answer.

What are yours boundaries? How do you enforce your boundaries?

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Thats where I feel trapped. Within my control I can file for D which Im trying to avoid, or walk away from her when she pushes a boundary. With two young kids, I cant leave the house or risk legally getting less custody. Daycare is not affordable unless W gets a job. I cant kick her out as shes the babysitter. I dont know what I have at bay to enforce the boundary.


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Well, let’s start with not acting like a family unit.

She wants to be a family, while she runs around behind your back. I don’t know if you are ok with that. So maybe you shouldn’t be pretending to be happy family. You live like you are not together. You have your time with the kids, she has her time, and you go out and GAL on your time. You go and enjoy yourself .

When it’s your time with the kids, you have a fantastic time with them. She doesn’t come along and ply happy family. Because you will not be in an open marriage.

How’s that for a start?

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Thats good! Do I bring it up and say for example, I want these 4 nights with the kids and you get these 3 or just start separating us?


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ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
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