Why have you been pushing her about the paperwork? Do you want a divorce? Do you think this will cause her to come to her senses?
I know a lot of members on this forum have the patience to endure this limbo period for years. I unfortunately do not, I held out for almost 5 months, but I just reached a breaking point. Perhaps if we had been married longer, or had children I would be willing to stick this out longer, but that is not the case. I'm done being married to a woman that has a boyfriend.
So to answer your question, yes at this point I want a divorce, and no I do not expect anything to change with her.
Hi jstrembr, I was just like you. 6 months after my wife gave me the ILYBNILY, I was tired of being in limbo and i decided to file for divorce. Partly because I felt I needed to move on even though I still wanted her back, and I admit partly also because I hoped that it might wake her up. It did not, and she went along with it. It might have ruined my chances of getting back together with her, future will tell. In any case, it definitely helped me detach and move on and I don’t regret my decision.
However, there is something that I never quite understood when reading about recons that happen after 3 or 5 years. Does that mean that people stayed married and in limbo during all these years ? Or does that mean that people divorced and then recon happened after several years ?
I’ll give you MY opinion. The only true way to a great reconciliation is that there needs to be time and space between the two people and they have to truly both agree by experience that life is better together then it was a part.
Long bouts of limbo rarely lead to reconciliation because it is soul sucking. Go read RR17s thread. His two and a half year life of limbo ended with her moving out today.
Long bouts of limbo rarely lead to reconciliation because it is soul sucking. Go read RR17s thread. His two and a half year life of limbo ended with her moving out today.
It's a sad truth, but I agree, it's just a very hard way to live. You can certainly be happy, and live life for yourself, but the fact is you are still married and that holds you back from truly moving forward. So it's tough to just remain in limbo for a long time.
Also for me the limbo is further ruining my image of my wife, if she had just ended our marriage we would have went our separate ways. Sure it would have hurt, but it wouldn't be this repeated hurt over and over. That just degrades the feelings further and further. Instead of just being a clean break. Not sure if I'm explaining myself well enough, hopefully that comes across how I want it to.
And thanks for responding Jason88! As of right now I do not regret pushing this, although even though she says she is hiring a lawyer, she has responded many times saying she is finally moving this forward and then nothing actually happens, so we will see...
jstermbr...just another opinion. We all have our timelines.
While my W and I have not reconciled officially yet, we are spending a lot of time together and she's been way more loving and appreciative of me in general. It took about 13 months to get to this point as she was battling her own issues that I was largely unaware of until Shite hit the fan.
It was the toughest 13 months of my life. It became easier as I detached and tried to focus on myself and my son.
Hopefully we have a happy ending...I won't count my chickens just yet but the whole process has taught me a lot about myself and relationships and I fully believe that we will have a stronger M in the future if we do R.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Limbo is not for everyone. Some adjust to it and can continue to live life to the fullest and others can't. For those that live in limbo, it could be that they want to be able to say at the end of the limbo period that they tried everything to save their relationship. For others, they aren't in any hurry to divorce because of financial reasons or they aren't in a rush to move on and meet someone else.
I may be wrong about your wife, but she's only 29 and she may have gotten caught up in all of the dreams of being married, the house and the white picket fence. Her fantasy about married life eventually snuffed itself out. She may have met this om and he paid a lot of attention to her, stroked her ego and that euphoric high of "being in love" struck again. BTW, some people just live for that "being in love" feeling. I do not think she was mature enough to handle being married, I don't think she had spread her wings enough to finally settle down. Like I said I could be wrong about my interpretation of her.
You, on the other hand, are a bit older and more mature. You were more than ready to settle down and live your life comfortably w/your spouse. There was a communication gap between the two of you. This happens sometimes when there is a wider gap in ages. My parents were 15 years apart and now that I am older, I can look back on their relationship and see that there were some issues because of the ages and the mindset of both of them. Again, I am not making excuses for her just walking away.
I do not think that your wife will be too quick on locating a lawyer and getting the ball rolling. She may think that you will be right where she left you once she's done "spreading her wings and flying around the universe" or as some would say "taking a time out of the marriage". In my opinion, she truly needs to grow up. Unfortunately, she's going to discover that you are serious about moving on and I truly hope that she realizes what she's lost because of what she's done and continues to do.
I am very, very sorry your situation has come down to you pushing for a divorce. As I stated at the beginning of this posting, you have to do what is right for you. We are not walking in your shoes, however, we do understand the frustration and pain you have been going through.
If, at some point, she wants to try to reconcile and you decide to try again, she will need to do a lot of work to earn your trust and your heart once again. It will require a lot of patience on your part, but if and when that time comes, as you stated, you will always have your threads to re-read to help you stay the course. Then again, it may be too late and you will have met someone else and that will be her loss to deal with, not yours.
Last edited by job; 02/21/2010:18 PM.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
jstermbr...just another opinion. We all have our timelines.
While my W and I have not reconciled officially yet, we are spending a lot of time together and she's been way more loving and appreciative of me in general. It took about 13 months to get to this point as she was battling her own issues that I was largely unaware of until Shite hit the fan.
It was the toughest 13 months of my life. It became easier as I detached and tried to focus on myself and my son.
See I think a common thing is couples that are able to reconcile is they have something to fight for, such as a child. In my situation we have no kids and both of us are able to support ourselves financially. So it's truly just fighting for "us". In all the success stories, I find it rare that a couple that was married for a short period and no kids comes out the other side successfully. I suppose there is always some hope!
Job, I really think your post is on point. Especially the points on maturity, again, for others that read this, please don't think I am placing all blame on my wife. However, it is very apparent she has lots of growing up to do. In current actions and looking back at our relationship, I certainly see that.
I'm willing to deal with that fact, but what I just can't handle anymore is her being in a relationship with someone else. I feel justified with myself that I did give it every possible chance I can give, so as far as breaking my marriage vows "for better, for worse", I've come to terms with that.
I'm not going to lie though, my thoughts change on a daily basis, so I'll keep posting
I know you aren't placing all of the blame on your wife. Looking back, you were able to see that each of you contributed to the issues in your marriage. I do not encourage anyone to take 100% blame of the relationship/marriage going south. We are human and are bound to make many mistakes along the way. It is what we learn from those mistakes that will strengthen us and make us so much wiser.
Yes, your thoughts are going to change many times over. It's a difficult decision to make, i.e., to walk away and say "I've had enough".
BTW, my questions yesterday were truly not off the wall. I wanted to see how you would react and your responses told me that you are a man who would love his wife to the end of time and be there no matter what. You are a very compassionate man who has been hurt very deeply.
Focus on today and allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready. It's one day at a time for now. I'm glad you will continue posting. It's always good to have someone to bounce things off of and the Board has many, many good people who are here to listen, validate and yes, even give you 2 x 4's along the way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi everyone, happy March! Just checking in, nothing new to report. Just focusing on today, as job said. Trying to stay busy and make new friends and just see where life takes me.
I do have a funny story though, so I mentioned that my wife said she was going to hire an attorney and we should no longer speak. I have certainly respected her wishes and that is the last communication we have had. Well on Friday I get a notice that I have a certified letter being delivered. I of course think, oh this is it, it's going to be her initial request that the lawyer drew up. I worried a bit wondering if she is going to sway from what we agreed on. I did my research to find an attorney in case I need one. The letter was just on my mind all day. Well I get home and it's not even for me! It was a letter for someone that used to live at my house, so I just declined accepting it. I can not believe the timing of that, had a pretty good laugh on that one.
However, just back in limbo land now, I don't know if she actually hired an attorney or not, or if she has even thought about it at all since the last message. All that worrying on Friday has me just wanting to put this on the back burner for right now, so at least for another week I'll just leave things alone and see if I hear anything from her or an attorney.
