Hi all, I've been reading here for a while and trying to follow the practices, definitely have had set backs, and as of right now I do feel my marriage is over. I don't want to get to long winded in this first post so I will try to summarize and I hope to start a good conversation with everyone here!
I am 39 and my wife is 29. This is my second marriage, I have an 11 year old son. My wife and I have been together for 5 years, and married for two years. We have no children together.
My wife was head over heals for me from the moment we met, our relationship was great and perhaps moved a bit to fast. Looking back we certainly should have spent more time learning how to communicate with each other. After we got married we did start to grow apart and I really see it was me just not allowing myself to be fully open with her, something she desperately wanted. In the back of my mind I was always afraid of losing her, even though she never showed anything but absolute love towards me. This always had me reserved and basically being the "nice guy" because I never wanted to do anything that would potentially scare her away. In the end that's exactly what I ended up doing.
She did try to communicate this to me, but I always took it the wrong way, like she was attacking me, and it just further solidified my confidence issues with her, to the point where I just started to shutdown. Of course I didn't realize this as it was happening, and when she stopped bringing it up, it was the classic attitude of well, no news is good news.
Then one day the wake up call came, she said she was no longer happy and she was going to stay at her mother's house for a few days to figure herself out. A few days turned into a few weeks. At which point I found out she had met another man. This other man has kids of his own and is married. She has told me this man is separated and his wife is already dating someone else and that his wife knows about the two of them, however they have not filed for a divorce.
It's now been about 3 months, she is fully moved out and still seeing the other man. She has not made the other man public to anyone in our circles. Her family knows she has moved out, but not that she is seeing someone else. To the general "world" we are still are married.
She still communicates with me on occasion, and even though she has said she wants a divorce, she hasn't gone through with any action towards a divorce. This has been hard for me, because when we do speak I just get the feeling she doesn't really want to commit to the divorce. Then it gets hard to follow the DB principles because I feel like I have to do something to save it. Which led to us having a conversation a few days ago.
This last conversation was still very neutral, where it appears she has doubts she is doing the right thing with this new man, and she has doubts she is doing the right thing with a divorce. She has told me she is stuck in all aspects of her life right now and basically just spends her time working, sleeping, or getting drunk. She refers to it as being on auto-pilot and she said she is being self destructive, but right now that makes her happy, very confusing! I did tell her I have been going through counseling to improve myself and she does say she really sees the changes in me. She gets frustrated seeing these changes now because she feels like it is to late for her to be in love with me again. She then said she wishes she hadn't wasted these past 3 months doing nothing and would have worked on herself too. She continues to tell me I am a great husband and she knows what she is giving up, but goes back to the fact that she can't get the loving feeling back for me again because I made her feel so unwanted and hurt. She says she tells me these things because she doesn't want me to think our marriage failing was all my fault and for me to bring that into a future relationship.
At the end of the day, she is still moved out and still seeing this other guy. I love my wife and do not want to end this marriage, but I think I also need to come to terms that I drove her away and it could already be over. Just looking for some advice!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-65, D33,S32
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I wanted to add one more thing about that last conversation we had. We did start to discuss the divorce in more detail, basically how we would split up our assets. This was prompted by me as I told her I can't continue to stay married knowing that she is in another relationship. I did see that this conversation upset her.
It also led into the alternative to divorce, her giving up that relationship and moving back home. We talked about how hard that would be for her as essentially she felt like she would have to intentionally put herself into an uncomfortable situation and be un-happy without knowing if her feelings would turn around. She says she doesn't know if she still has any fight left in her to go through that, and also commented how she would have to earn back my trust. Many roadblocks to her moving back home that as of now it seems like she is leaning more towards the side of not wanting to go through that.
Js, I can't write as much as I'd like right now, but I just want to say that we all have ownership in our intermarital problems. However, intermarital problems never ever ever ever ever justify going extramarital. So own and work on your shortcomings that led to marital issues. But understand that her extramarital activities (moving out, starting an affair) are all on her. Do not excuse her behavior nor justify it. It is inexcusable and unjustified. Period.
I have more to say so I will be back.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thank you for the words of wisdom, I certainly agree the extramarital activities are not justified. I do not feel I am responsible for that, just for pushing her away in general. I think she understands there would be a lot of work on her part to put this marriage back together, just at this time, I don't think she wants to, or at least she just doesn't know what she wants to do.
I wanted to add one more thing about that last conversation we had. We did start to discuss the divorce in more detail, basically how we would split up our assets. This was prompted by me as I told her I can't continue to stay married knowing that she is in another relationship. I did see that this conversation upset her.
It also led into the alternative to divorce, her giving up that relationship and moving back home. We talked about how hard that would be for her as essentially she felt like she would have to intentionally put herself into an uncomfortable situation and be un-happy without knowing if her feelings would turn around. She says she doesn't know if she still has any fight left in her to go through that, and also commented how she would have to earn back my trust. Many roadblocks to her moving back home that as of now it seems like she is leaning more towards the side of not wanting to go through that.
No more talk. Action. Stop discussing divorce, getting back together. #1 rule is DBing: no R talks. If she starts one, listen and validate.
When you are ready, file for D. When will you know even you're ready, you'll know.
As far as what she wants, we have a saying around here. When she wants to come back, you will know. When she doesn't, you will be confused.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
That is really good advice, thank you for being direct. No more R talks, understood. I don't feel ready to file, so unless she reaches out to move forward with it I will just remain patient.
I need advice on another situation that has happened recently. I made plans to go out of town for the Holidays and did not inform my wife about them. She found out through information on social media and confronted me about it. She was upset I left without telling her, and her reason was our dog. I mentioned we have no children together, but we do have a dog. It's a dog I brought into the marriage, so I assume it will be coming out of the marriage with me as well. I made perfectly fine arrangements for the dog to be taken care of, but she said she should have been the one to take care of it. I just told her that we are separated and I do not have plans of remaining friends, so from that point of view why would I tell her my plans or ask her to take of the dog. She said because we are still married and made a point to tell me that the house is still part hers as well even though she isn't living there right now. She does continue to contribute the expenses of our home.
The next part of the story is I frequently travel for work, I will be out of town soon and due to how we met we have many common contacts when it comes to my work. She would for sure know I was traveling once I left, and maybe even before. So in that same last conversation I keep referring to (it was a long one) I did tell her I would be out of town and that she could take care of the dog. Looking for critiques on how this was handled and how it should be handled in the future as it will continue to come up. Thank you!
Go back to the post from job above and make sure to do all the reading he linked. Notice that there is a thread on validation. You need to stop getting into back and forth discussions with her. You should listen and validate.
I'd also suggest a moratorium on social media. More newcomers stroke I with social media because of what they see on there from their WAS. Going SM free is highly freeing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You are in LRT territory. LRT (Last Resort Technique) is simple, but hard:
1. Stop pursuing 2. GAL 3. Wait and see
You need to believe nothing she says and only half of what she does.
Detachment means what she says and does does not control you. Attitude, thoughts, actions, feelings. One after the other.
If she mentions having doubts about the divorce, just listen and validate. You really need to learn this. Spend several hours today learning about this. Prepare.
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She still communicates with me on occasion, and even though she has said she wants a divorce, she hasn't gone through with any action towards a divorce. This has been hard for me, because when we do speak I just get the feeling she doesn't really want to commit to the divorce. Then it gets hard to follow the DB principles because I feel like I have to do something to save it. Which led to us having a conversation a few days ago.
Think and act, don't feel and react. Most people here drive their spouse away with the feel and react approach.
The best thing you can do to save it is.....NOTHING.
Now is a time of learning and growth for you. Don't peacock this to your W. She knows you, it will be obvious.
It could be over, it could be saved. We don't know yet. Focus on what you can control.
Last edited by job; 01/05/2005:17 PM. Reason: removed referenced site not related to DB
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Detachment means what she says and does does not control you. Attitude, thoughts, actions, feelings. One after the other.
I keep reading those detachment threads. I'll admit this is the hardest part. When I'm out doing things it's hard not to wish she was there enjoying them too, thoughts like that. I know I'm pretty early in this process, 3 months, compared to many of these situations.
I also struggle with thoughts of how if I just changed this little thing, or did this little thing, we would be on a different path now. I get so frustrated with myself for not seeing what was happening until after the fact. That is actually why my username is justremember. Whatever happens moving forward I need to make sure I do not forget to live life in the present and not take things for granted.
