My Xh was exactly like that as well, he told everyone about the D and seemed all happy and excited but the closer and closer it got the more he stopped talking about it and dragged his feet until I finally had to push it along just to finish it. Then no one knew once it became finalized, he stopped talking about it. Before once he had initiated it that’s all I heard was let’s get this done as quickly as possible, I can’t wait to get this divorce....but OW was in the picture then and once that wasn’t the case he wasn’t in a hurry to get it and even did things to try to delay it. My lawyer was even confused and said he’s the one who filed for this freaking divorce...it seems when they don’t have another person that’s when they can be civil and nice or seem like the old them a bit more but when they have someone, in my experience that is when monster is really really ugly. The D was final in July 2019 and he still cycles and tries to hurt me and cause drama any way possible. He did the cake eating for awhile as well until I wised up about that. It’s very hard and very painful but we just have to detach as best we can, pray and love ourselves more. I’m sorry you are going through this too. We are all going through it together and learning about this, ourselves and life and drawing nearer to God in the process.
Thank you all as always for reading my posts and sharing. ❤️ (Heart)
Cardinal, thank you for checking in it really means sooo much. I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to figure myself out and also taking Jobs advice and reading HaWhos threads. I’m having a difficult time right now internally and find I’m putting on a happy face while not genuinely feeling happy and I don’t like that. I’m a very happy person with a wonderful sense of humour...it feels stifled.
At times I have such deep patience and other times none...with both the situation but more so myself. At times such deep understanding and other times I think this MLC is all in my head and he’s justified because we let life / jobs interfere with our M. But then I’m not a mind reader. I certainly wasn’t unhappy and had no idea he was.
I feel like he’s stolen my memories of how wonderful our R and M really was and is ... and I can’t get it back. I think this is what causes part of my sadness. I’m so early into this and have allowed his insecurities to cloud my brain.
When I’m strong I hear the knowledge from this site and I know he had to tell himself (and me) something to live with himself and justify his behaviour but if what he spewed at BD IS truly what he believes...(nothing to take care of w/ no kids, roommate relationship, and he has no voice therefore no reason to stay together). How does he ever change that line of thinking without growing up and having an adult conversation? <I know control myself>
H is behaving so normal right now. Still in the cave and ignoring me more than ever...yet when he does surface he speaks politely and mostly tells me where he’s going. I’m not complaining by any means because I know how much hell others go through with significant others leaving/returning or being secretive but it is still very confusing to me, plus it’s in my face when he’s here and not working a ridiculous amount of hours/days in a row.
I feel I’m craving a conversation, not to guide or control him or the situation but to get some truth bombs off of my chest. I thought I was off the rollercoaster last week...today is a bad day.
Thanks for the vent session ....feeling slightly lost right now. The sadness is overwhelming at times.
I could have written so much of this word for word myself! In fact, as you probably saw in my thread, I echoed some of your feelings there too. With H still in a more normal, friendly phase, I'm doubting myself more. I'm eight months into this but it honestly feels like the time has flown by. I'm not sure why... because I still appreciate every day he's in my life (well, most days!) and I'm not ready for that to change? Because I can see how much progress I've made in myself? That's part of it. I feel like a different person than before, in a good way. But this doesn't mean I'm not still on the rollercoaster some days.
Like you, I realize he had/has to tell himself what he needs to to justify his behavior, that where he's at right now, he can only see our M through a negative lens, and that clouds out all the good that was there. But some days my mind is more doubt and insecurity, and it's hard to see through it. This is just part of the process for us, too, I guess—being able acknowledge our spouse's feelings without taking all the responsibility/blame for how they feel. Trusting ourselves too.
Originally Posted by Kindly
I feel I’m craving a conversation, not to guide or control him or the situation but to get some truth bombs off of my chest.
Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to deliver some truth bombs. It's hard for me to accept there's no way he could fully empathize with me or see beyond his own point of view right now.
Well. It's a new day. A new week. How are you today?
Thx Cardinal! I’m better than the day before which is always a good thing. Crossed some things off my list day...just trying to finalize my $ disclosure and a L. Not fun stuff and I’ve certainly been procrastinating.
I feel a shift in how I’m thinking but it’s still not good enough in terms of achieving detachment. I can’t shake the need to have some sort of “are you sure this is what you want to do conversation” before starting the proceedings. There has been so much left unsaid between us. I want to tell him that it’s ok that he’s having a difficult time right now, or that I’m sorry I’ve obviously let him down ...but there are no words that seem to come out just right to say to someone that isn’t “there” right now. (And I’m pretty sure that’s bad DBing! Lol) I want to tell him that we can come back from this...that it’s not too far gone...but again he’s living HIS life right now and there’s no room for me. Some days I’m very good at letting go and GAL, but then others I’m plagued by the ‘sads’ and the piece of my heart that’s missing.
One.day.at.a.time.
How are you doing? I’m so proud of you and glad you ‘made a move’. So brave and a great 180! I’ve often thought about doing that too but I’m fairly certain I’d be met with shark eyes! Lol
This reminds me a little of the discussion on wayfarer's thread about how much of yourself to share, and may I think had some good points about when you might depart a bit from DBing but stay true to your beliefs. Maybe you can try writing out a fuller letter of everything you'd want to say if you held nothing back, just as an exercise. I did this a few times early on, but I realized I was writing to my old H, and, like you said, it's not the same as writing to someone who doesn't seem fully "there" right now. Maybe writing it out will help you separate what he does/doesn't know from what you just feel the need to make sure he knows again. He probably knows you think you can come back from this, right? That you don't think S or D has to be the answer. If it comes up, I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing to apologize for something specific you do feel like you need and want to take responsibility for.
There are so many strange, awful, hard parts of this, but one is feeling like the communication you had with your partner is gone, in my case at least, pretty much overnight. That easy, everyday conversation about whatever, and the deep conversations too. There is a lot unsaid! Some days lately I feel a bit powerful that I don't engage him first anymore—and that he's talking to me here and there anyway. That could change at any time. It used to be agonizing for me to sit in silence in the other room. But, yeah, some days I feel that missing piece of my heart, and it's too much.
There are so many strange, awful, hard parts of this, but one is feeling like the communication you had with your partner is gone, in my case at least, pretty much overnight. That easy, everyday conversation about whatever, and the deep conversations too.Hugs, Kindly.
So true! In such a short period of time I find myself asking “what the heck did we talk about pre- DB”. Convo seems so foreign.
Something I’m struggling with right now is disclosure in conjunction with detachment. For the most part H has been transparent as to where he is/ where he’s going...I believe that he is being truthful but obviously can never be 100% sure. How do I handle myself? H has been FULLY in the cave completely avoiding me...when I am going out and/or not coming home for a night do I disclose my plans and whereabouts to him ....esp if I’m not returning for the night? Or just go on about my business. I think my fear is that he will mirror my behaviour and stop telling me where he is going and I also feel like it’s further shutting down or serious lacking communication right now. BUT at the same time I’m GAL’ing and don’t feel like I want to disclose everything cause isn’t that part of detaching .... any advice?
Hmm... I feel like the DB way would be to mirror him, but don't feel like you have to give him all the info. So if he is consistently telling you where he's going or when he'll be back when he leaves, you can similarly acknowledge to him that you're heading out, and meet politeness with politeness. But I don't think you're required to go into detail. A simple, Bye--I'm heading out and I'll be back tomorrow, could work. Or if you're going out for the night, something like, "Bye--have a good night!" You're going about your business but still treating him as you would a roommate. If it causes him to wonder what you're doing when you're out, well, fine.
If you are just going out for the evening, I would just say, "I'm heading out...have a nice evening" and leave it at that.
However, if you are going out of town for a few days, you should probably tell him that you will out of town and that if something comes up, he can text/call you."
You do not have to get all wordy and provide lots of info as to what you are doing. You want him to wonder and be curious.
If he provide you w/info about his activities, thank him for the info and go on about your business.
Remember...he's a roommate at the moment and you've been fired as the spouse.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I’m still exhausting myself at times with overthinking but the good thing is I’m not letting it show and I’ve remained very quiet and distant in his presence even though it feels extremely counterproductive.
Thank you both Job and Cardinal for reminding me to keep it simple ...I’m having a difficult time with not being too wordy. I’ve never had to “mind my words” or really even think this way ...as in being more calculated with what I’m disclosing and how I’m delivering it.
If I look inward I’m also letting fear take its grip as I mentioned above in the sense that I feel like he will start mirroring me by going out at night and not disclosing where he is going. I know we have to live our lives for us as a LBS but can we negatively influence H’s behaviour in this way? I feel like once he sees that overworking is not fulfilling his emptiness he’ll move onto something else anyway....how do I detach more??? I’m doing well but still not quite there.
It's hard for me to accept there's no way he could fully empathize with me or see beyond his own point of view right now.