I’m pretty sure my H was telling people this in the month after BD. I wonder about this sometimes, because I see no evidence of outward wavering on this from him.
My W has told her parents and a couple of other people she is getting a D. Hasn't filed yet, but we are meeting with a mediator tomorrow to start the process. For me, I don't like the idea of being a sitting duck and waiting for her to file to put me on the defensive. If you believe D is just a piece of paper (as I now do), and your spouse seems as dug-in as mine appears to be, then you need to decide what is best for you in your situation.
It's a difficult decision, and I empathize with what you are going through.
My xh announced right away that we were separated. He was all giddy and excited about it. He couldn't wait to announce to the world that he was a free bird and could do whatever he wanted. Once he got the draft separation papers, he shut down and didn't say too much to people about it because he was then in a very angry mode.
Kindly, the situations that are posted here are very similar, but you have to keep in mind that each situation is very unique because of the MLCer involved. You can read the postings here, listen to the advice, but take away only what you think will help you in your situation.
Only you can decide what is best for you and your family and only you will know when you have had enough.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Has anyone had any experience with their MLCr announcing to everyone (friends and family) right away that they are getting a S/D?
Oh yeah!
XW dropped the big surprise bomb at Thanksgiving Day supper. Me, our four kids, Oldest S’s GF, and parents all in shock as she announced her plan to through away her kids, house, her half of pension, everything. And two month later it was all done and legal.
Just focus on you and your kids. Let H be. If he is going to fast track, he will. If you need financial protection or security, deal with that issue.
You are early into this situation. I know how bad the feelings are. And even with everything all settled I still felt bad. Please realize a separation or divorce doesn’t fix/heal you. It didn’t fix/heal me either. Your healing is separate from S/D.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
K, For me, I don't like the idea of being a sitting duck and waiting for her to file to put me on the defensive. If you believe D is just a piece of paper (as I now do), and your spouse seems as dug-in as mine appears to be, then you need to decide what is best for you in your situation.
W
This helps and proves Jobs point about how unique each situation truly is whether it’s the MLCr or the LBS...I see and understand your POV WMLC but In my sitch I feel the exact opposite in that H stated at BD he didn’t have a voice and has never made decisions for himself ....so part of my journey and my standing is a firm no go on in anyway helping him to progress this along. I will comply ... it I will not lead ANYTHING.
My H was unstoppable and couldn’t wait to tell everybody either Job ... I’m disappointed in how some people just accepted his words as completely reasonable and on we go with life....
Job - can I ask why H went into angry mode if he drafted up the papers? is this just what mlcrs do?
Thx DnJ sorry to hear how very abrupt everything went for you.
I also have a detaching question...I keep second guessing myself when it comes to certain things. For example: if I’m going grocery shopping do I ask him if he needs anything or just continue to shop for me and leave him be? In terms of house cleaning ...just leave his cave alone? Even tho it’s a deesasterrr!! It just seems like such lines drawn...thanks for any advice.
Grocery shop for you and leave him be. I don’t bother even asking if H’s eaten anymore. Cleaning I would say that if you want to clean his part for you own sake then go ahead. I am still doing my H’s laundry. I definitely do not prioritize it though. I think that if it upsets you to do something for him, then maybe you need to set a boundary. If you can be neutral on a task, then it’s really up to you whether you want to do it or not. Hope this helps.
I can only "assume" the reason my xh got angry is because he didn't think I would call his bluff and get the draft papers drawn up. What was so funny is that I had them drafted up w/exactly what he wanted stated in them. From the time he received the draft separation papers until several years after the divorce, he was a nasty, angry person.
Some of them do get angry when presented w/papers because, in their minds, we will be right where they left us and that we would never, ever want a separation/divorce in place. They do not like to make decisions and heaven knows, some will stall and find excuses for not doing the work to get the legal matters taken care of.
They are very conflicted souls and only operate on emotions. Trust me, when dealing w/a MLCer and trying to get separation/divorce papers in place is not a "normal" process by any means.
You need to look at him as a roommate. You shop for yourself, you cook for yourself and do not clean his cave. If you haven't read HaWho's threads, please do so. They would help you with detachment and give you a better understanding of a live in MLCer.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you both...I will do some more reading tonight. I always feel so stuck when H asks If I want dinner. He’s cooking up a storm right now (which is a rarity, normally it’s spend spend spend and bring something in) and I know he’s going to ask if I want some. If I say no I feel like he will think I’m just being standoffish if I say yes it’s too close to cake eating ....no? These feel like kindergarten questions. I guess no one said this was easy.
If the food sounds good have some or take some for tomorrow and thank him
its not easy many of of totally stressed and walked on eggshells
put the focus on you ask ...what can I do to take care of me? a walk , a book, alone time, a nap, the gym, prayer and meditation, a plan with a friend?
be kind and friendly and cordial but go about your life
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
