Usually his L will discuss his need for honesty in this matter each party does need to disclose all assets as I remember
My XH was good all the way up to the D, then I saw him get crazy because he clearly saw maybe first hand his choices would lead him down a potential path for financial destruction and he was overspending on OW, which is also an issue with joint funds.
The D becomes a business deal You are no longer in the same kind of R as you once were and as you read and see a MLCer H will not be in his right mind He will want to plan for his future with no regard to the spouse or kids I saw this first hand
I had a once dedicated H and father He was a good father, there for them and he chose to totally abandon them as his father did to him
Please take the advise given here.. It works
I would up saving our business and I kept the home because I had a smart L Divorce L totally get MLC get a good one
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
DS9/DnJ - Thank you both so much. Having a place to ask questions (sometimes ones your gut already knows the answer to but the head is clouded), vent, and explore options is invaluable. You are correct DnJ ...I like this and will copy it onto my phone: ”keep business as business and your healing path as your path”. Such an obvious statement but one that requires focus. Being a people pleaser makes some of this journey very difficult in the sense of remembering to look out for me and that I come first, but I am doing remarkably better than I was a few months ago!
Originally Posted by DnJ
This puts space, a buffer, between H’s antics / possible monstering and you. Something you need; no point fighting H. That is the high road. Not fighting H. He wants this, remember? He just wants it his way, and that is not how it works. Focus on you and your financial security and protection. That is the business of what you are currently embroiled in. Keep emotions out if this by utilizing your lawyer. Your emotions will change, however this deal will not. Make sure you are protected. I remember how bad this all felt going through it; feelings really do change. Do not base decisions upon temporary emotions. DnJ
Thank you. Emotionally I’m being plagued by going after B = vindictive and that this will escalate things horribly and even leak onto external relationships with extended family. BUT seeing your above words in black and white DnJ really helps...especially about the “high road” and “ emotions changing, the deal will not.”
I’m so fortunate to have found this resource and a group of “stranger friends” lol!! Hugs
I would have a discussion w/your lawyer and allow him/her to handle the situation. Each person should disclose all assets. However, in my case, I was the one that did all of the discovery work and my xh didn't provide his, and to be honest, I didn't think he was capable of even doing the necessary work to complete the discovery side because he ws completely way out there and not thinking clearly. We didn't push for him to complete his package because I knew what he had in the way of assets and I had statements, etc. from a few years before he went off the edge of rational behavior.
MLCers lie, i.e., do not expect him to be honest. His lawyer will listen to what he has to say and will base his recommendations on those conversations. At some point, his lawyer should be able to recognize that something is "off" w/him. There are some lawyers that can tell right away that this is going to be a money fest and will prolong proceedings.
My xh went into truly monster mode after he was presented w/the separation papers that he wanted me to have drawn up. Once he received the draft papers....well...that was it...angry mode throughout the 2 1/2 years it took for us to be divorced. That may not be the case for you. Hopefully your h won't go to the angry mode.
Once you begin the process for a separation and/or a divorce...those actions become business deals. You will need to think w/your head and not your heart. He may very well promise you the moon just to get you to fall into the trap of believing him. Many of them do not follow through on their promises. Stay the course and listen to your lawyer.
What we recommend does work here...you just have to think like a business person now. The man you once knew is gone and he will do whatever it takes to make himself feel better...even if it means leaving you with little to nothing in the way of support, etc.
Protect yourself and your children and trust your lawyer. If you don't feel comfortable w/the present one, there is no harm in getting a second opinion.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I would up saving our business and I kept the home because I had a smart L Divorce L totally get MLC get a good one
I am so appreciative of the time that people take to give complete strangers advice based on the painful paths they have already walked and are walking. PT - this is exactly one of the things I’m weighing right now which I know a lawyer will help me with. The math needs to be done because there is a lot to “bargain” with. It makes no sense to me to add up both sets of assets only to then divide the house and the B....time will tell. I am still in consulting stage but this is proving to cause anxiety because finding a good L is like finding a good mechanic.....how do you know until you use them? It seems like it comes down to Consulting and gut and as much as I trust my gut will I bank the house on it???? Lol there are so few reviews and most people tend to take the time to more often write a bad review it seems for Ls...
Any advice for what worked for others when picking a lawyer?
When I was out "shopping" for a lawyer, I made a list of questions to ask them. If you feel comfortable asking around, then do so. I would do a google search on them and see what comes up. I would look for those who give a free consult and then you should be able to determine from the first meeting if they are going to represent you properly. Once you have interviewed them, then make a list of the pros and cons of your impression of them. You should then be able to determine which one is the better fit.
At each interview, I stated my situation and watched the lawyer. I asked each of them if they were familiar with MLC. I then asked how many cases of MLC marriage breakups had they been involved in. If he/she is an honest lawyer, they will tell answer your questions honestly. From there, I then asked how we would proceed. I then thanked each one and came home and made my list and the one I choose was the most honest one of all who told me that it would take many months and much frustration to lock down my MLC husband because he would be irrational and nothing would please him. He was right...
I hope my experience will help you a wee bit.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
MY friend who was d right before me used this L, who was excellent another D friend told me to spend the extra money on a good L because it will be worth it I took their advice and I used the L my friend just used and he really helped her get her share
MY XH on the other hand used the cheapest L and she was not very good.
I would ask around if anyone has a relative or friend who used a D L that was good If you cant get a referral, than follow your gut..get a free consult or a few..make it a priority It is really a very important piece in this..Job has some good points as well
Good luck You are doing well...its a difficult road and the board is very helpful
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
At each interview, I stated my situation and watched the lawyer. I asked each of them if they were familiar with MLC. I then asked how many cases of MLC marriage breakups had they been involved in.
Thanks Job as obvious as this question is I never thought to ask it....I always disclose this as being the situation but the last L I saw kinda just stared blankly at me. It’s prob also my own insecurities creeping in as in feeling/assuming that people are thinking “you poor dear in denial that your husband is sick of you ....you didn’t please him”.......blah blah blah.
Originally Posted by job
I then thanked each one and came home and made my list and the one I choose was the most honest one of all who told me that it would take many months and much frustration to lock down my MLC husband because he would be irrational and nothing would please him. He was right...
I hope my experience will help you a wee bit.
Great to know what realistically could happen. If H doesn’t start to come back this likely could be my situation too. Although I won’t put that out into the universe ...or did I just do that? Haha.
I also get the express feeling that many people ...docs, C, L etc feel like MLC is a myth which is what plays into my above insecurity. Anyone else feel that way?
Actually, MLC is being discussed more and more in the community. Many moons ago, people didn't discuss MLC. In this day and age, thanks to Bill Clinton and others, people are talking more and more about the irrational behavior that some exhibit at certain ages.
Years ago, people would laugh at men who changed the way they dressed, i.e., from normal suits to shirts being only buttoned at the last two buttons, gold chains around their necks, the little red sports car and the young, blonde bimbo on their arms.
Now, people are becoming more aware of what is happening and what might trigger such behavior.
Some counselors don't believe in it...but we always recommend getting solution based counselors.
Trust me, lawyers can spot a MLC case a mile way and if a sleazy lawyer is representing a MLCer, all they are looking at is the bottom line...$$$.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Now, people are becoming more aware of what is happening and what might trigger such behavior.
Some counselors don't believe in it...but we always recommend getting solution based counselors.
Trust me, lawyers can spot a MLC case a mile way and if a sleazy lawyer is representing a MLCer, all they are looking at is the bottom line...$$$.
Job this is encouraging to hear...meaning your first sentence! Lol I had a therapist but I found I was getting much more out of talking to my inner circle and now DEFINITELY this forum...it’s too expensive to not feel like your getting anywhere. I actually read an article on solution based C but I need to dig deeper into who offers this type of C and see if I can benefit from that. I think the million dollar piece of advice offered here repeatedly for people in this situation, as difficult as it is to read and put into effect, is GAL and detach. I’m in the learning stages, I’m still sad but I’m seeing a little clearer each day now.
I despise that there are such dishonest people out there that will take advantage of someone in an awful position. Other than doing your homework to the best of your ability I feel scared that a lot of this comes down to hoping you choose well.
Trust me, lawyers can spot a MLC case a mile way and if a sleazy lawyer is representing a MLCer, all they are looking at is the bottom line...$$$.
Just had a thought..maybe I shouldn’t be telling the potential L the MLC sitch...but then how do I get them to understand the confusion and messed up timelines? Is it better to make sure they are experienced in these sort of case as you stated earlier Job? I think I’m focusing too much on not getting ripped off.
