You can't control what he does, says or thinks. You can only control you and how you react to his behavior. Whether you tell him where you are going or not...well, there is no way to predict how he will react. Hence, I think you are over analyzing and focusing on the what if's. By doing so, are you walking on eggshells? If so, you need to step over those broken eggshells and reclaim YOU.
He's going to do whatever he needs to do to make himself feel better. Right now, you've been fired as his wife and friend. Treat him as you would a roommate, i.e., be polite, talk just a wee bit and go on about your business. If he wants to know something, he will ask you.
Keep the focus on you. Keep the focus on today and allow tomorrow to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Im not sure if we can really influence their choice..as I look back..I could not change what my H had in mind Only time will tell
You can try different techniques and moniter his reactions We never know what they will really do, but I can tell you as the Crises gets a grip of them they go more into replay..then you will see first hand his craziness
So whether you go out or stay home...Im not sure it will have a huge impact
We DB for us and part of it is GAL , making new plans and activities new friends exercising volunteering gardening church or spiritual l things ect... for us
The only way we really know is with time Some Mlcers seem to come around over time--some never But we have no where to really go except forward facing the crises head on--healing and letting the chips fall where they may
And having no regrets because we did our part
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Hence, I think you are over analyzing and focusing on the what if's. By doing so, are you walking on eggshells? If so, you need to step over those broken eggshells and reclaim YOU.
Thx Job. I am the queen of over analyzing and I hate suspense! Lmao! So you can well imagine that those are two strong focuses for me in learning how to just let things be and as you said unfold. The good thing is I feel like I have stopped walking on eggshells and really am focusing on reclaiming MY life...I play sports, go out with many different groups of friends and have picked back up all of my hobbies. I really find with me that the strong days are more numbered now than the weak ones, but when a weak days surface boy does it get a grip on me and I spiral...hence the above worrying, fear and over analyzing. Coming onto this board and venting or just writing what you feel at the time no matter how silly truly helps when people like yourself chime in with the reality checks and strong advice. So thank you so much.
Originally Posted by job
Keep the focus on you. Keep the focus on today and allow tomorrow to reveal itself when it is ready.
THIS ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^. !!!!! Xoxoxo
Originally Posted by peacetoday
But we have no where to really go except forward facing the crises head on--healing and letting the chips fall where they may
And having no regrets because we did our part
This is great peacetoday. For a very long time from BD until very recently I kept feeling like there was something I wasn’t doing, like I was missing some action that I needed to take care of, that if I didn’t act on something I was part of the problem or things were going to fall apart immediately. Most recently I began to realize that I was feeling that way because of how quick my H BD’d, moved out, moved back, moved into basement, got an agent to look at the house etc etc .... my head was spinning while I was quite honestly just trying to breath. I was also focusing on his crisis and what bomb was going to go off next. As I learn to “face the crisis head on and do my best to let the chips fall where they may” I’m finding a new peace within myself. A HUGE part of that is no matter what way this goes I have KINDLY done my part and will have no regrets. Thank you xo
Hi, Kindly. I also tend to overanalyze and plan, plan, plan. I'm finding some comfort in noticing how well I'm able to control my reactions now. Do you feel this way too? Like, okay, I clearly can't control the situation, but look, I'm controlling myself! And I love what you say about knowing you'll have KINDLY done your part with no regrets. I really admire that!
It is very nice to see you are having more strong days than weak ones. And you are so right, posting here, asking questions, venting, helps so much.
Originally Posted by Kindly
If I look inward I’m also letting fear take its grip as I mentioned above in the sense that I feel like he will start mirroring me by going out at night and not disclosing where he is going. I know we have to live our lives for us as a LBS but can we negatively influence H’s behaviour in this way?
It’s good you see your fear taking its grip. It’s a first and necessary step to get passed your fear.
It is a common occurrence, and an interesting one - we usually see the negative and fearful side first.
You fear negatively influencing H. You could just as well positively influence H. Treating him kindly, like a roommate. Giving him time and space. And so on is not negative.
However, H is going to do whatever H is going to do. I do believe in our influence, it just acts very very slowly. And some MLCers are really stubborn and angry.
So you live, as you said, for yourself. GAL, focus on you, detach, and grow and move forward. Be compassionate. Become the best Kindly you can be. Now, if there is an influence to be had, wouldn’t it be positive?
You are doing very well. You are finding that peace within yourself and becoming centred. Keep at it. And keep accumulating more and more strong days.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Cardinal - I do see a difference in how I’m able to control my reactions. I was def a wet noodle with sauce between my ears when BD occurred and for several months after BD, mainly consumed by fear and confusion. But even just this week I see how my reactions and feelings have become more stable and I’m not a scared little mess anymore.
Thx DnJ for your kind words of encouragement...it really helps esp since I’m very hard on myself. It’s nice to hear that Based on my writings you feel that I’m doing well.
Update: H has been away for the week again on work assignment. Prior to him leaving he had moved deeper into his basement cave and ceased all communication and 100% avoids me. He did however manage to ask if I have a lawyer right before he left. (I have one more consult then I’ll choose one) which I told him I will have to him by the end of next week. He asked me a couple of weeks ago to do the $disclosure. I have started but I’m also doing it properly so it’s taking me awhile to complete. (His is a mess and very incomplete) Keep In mind he has never wavered and wants everything done yesterday so he can get the money out of the house to leave (so he says). H works a very good job and could leave whenever he wants. Anyway, I had to ask for some cc statements and H refuses to give them to me. Says the card is not joint (which it is) therefore I don’t need to see it. WELL this started the ball rolling ... angry messages asking if I “hacked” into OUR account... I zinged him with a truth dart and said “why would it be hacking if it’s my account too?” A day and a half later he responds with a message saying I asked you to get a lawyer months ago if you don’t want to go to court get one soon. Meanwhile he’s left his entire business off disclosure and has moved around $$$ and spent like crazy. H seriously doesn’t realize that HE will Be the reason this goes to court.
Could the anger I’m seeing be from me “being ok” with starting the process? Or me GAL? I’m hardly home and come home late from visiting friends or playing my sports. Maybe he does care? But don’t worry ZERO expectations!!!
Lastly, I’m going away for a few days and struggled with what to do a few posts ago in regards to telling him. I had planned on casually saying face to face “I’m out of town for a few days” but I won’t see him before I go cause he didn’t come home. Im sorry to be overthinking this ....but do I go out of my way to send a text to let him know I’m gone for a few days ? I’m struggling because I don’t want to disclose where I’m going ( I want him to wonder a little) but I also don’t want to lie or give him a reason to lash out at me. I feel a little stuck.
If you are on a joint credit card, you can call the credit card company and request a copy of the charges at any time. They may even give you a link to where you can go to review the charges. I wouldn't ask him about it again, just work around him on that one.
He's angry because he sees that you can take care of yourself. He's angry because he can't control you and yes, you are asking questions about things that he doesn't want you to know about. He wants you to be blind to all of the finances and you know....knowledge is power. They get angry at everything. He could be angry about something at work, crossing the sidewalk, someone cutting him off in traffic. It may not even be you that he is angry with. He'll settle down again and act like nothing ever transpired. They are just emotional wrecks.
I would text him and let him know you are going to be out of town for a couple of days and leave it at that. You would do the same if you had a roommate. Go on your trip and have a good time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi, Kindly. I hope you don't feel too pressured by H. The way I see it, if he is dying to leave, he can go, you know? You aren't purposely trying to stall anything; you are just operating on a less emotionally-driven timeline. Like Job says, it's probably another way he's realizing he can't control you. I think it's great if you can continue to remain calm when he seems to be spinning out like this. You're strong! You've got this!
Have a wonderful time away! And let me know if you do make cinnamon rolls at some point in the future.
(Also, I just came across this quote from MWD in the Nuggets from Veterans thread, and I thought it might be helpful for you, too. I'll come back to it whenever I feel like I need another form of reassurance...)
Originally Posted by Michele
Tim, I share your feeings about the "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore," or something like that syndrome. It's exasperating.
But I don't think it's as confusing as you do. Love is a decision. It's not just a feeling. In order to maintain love over time, you have to decide each morning to do the things that will bring you close to your spouse and stop doing things that push you further away. You need to spend time together. YOu need to listen to each other, talk, make love, show interest in your spouse's life. Love is a decision to do all these things even when you aren't feeling crazy about your spouse. Love is a commitment.
So when one person says, "I don't love you anymore," what s/he is saying is "I don't feel like putting energy into this marriage." "I'm going to focus on all the bad times we've had and that will make me feel distant from you." "If I feel distant and separate from you, I can focus on me and make myself happy." It really is a decision to cut oneself off from positive feelings about the marriage.
If you've had good times together in your marriage, those memories don't just disappear. They live within us. However, sometimes when people burn out in a marriage, they bury those good feelings and memories so deep, it almost seems as if they're not there anymore. People convince themselves that the loving feelings have evaporated. They sometimes even tell themselves that they never loved you in the first place. This allows them to pull away. IT's a rationalization. But it's a rationalization that really hurts when you are the receiver of it.
So I understand your feelings. But you need to remember that whatever you feel in your heart about your marriage is real. Your wife's current perspective is colored by her need to pull away right now. Don't over-react and whatever you do, stop trying to point out to her that she isn't thinking clearly or seeing things accurately. That will only make her more certain she doesn't love you. And I know you don't want that.
Thank you guys for the support. I sent the text and expected a million questions but why would that happen when he’s so self absorbed??? After all that worrying I got back “ok I’ll be away too.” Good lesson for me here. Thx job ...it must be frustrating sometimes to have us LBSs circle in the same spots of fear, sometimes too close to the situation to see the light. Love the quote Cardinal I will screen grab that one. Thank you. And I 100% let you know if I make the rolls ...my nephew and brother would love them!! Enjoying myself on my 4 day get away...then back to reality and meeting with hopefully my last L who I will like and can then hire. Also job I called the cc company and would you believe that because H is the primary I can’t request anything on his card which we used most often...if I can’t get it I’ll just have to go,through the L.
