Similar to many of the situations I’ve researched and read on many sites I find myself in the most unwanted club of navigating a H in MLC.
BD was end of August 2019, in which he informed me “I need to flip the tables, I need to move out. We have no kids so there’s nothing to stay for and everything should be easy to divide”. He left for a month within two weeks of BD...then came back to the house. In the span of a very confusing month and a half, I found out about an EA that had been going on since at least April 2019, he bought a motorcycle, was already working out excessively, bought new clothes, new glasses (changes to his appearance), began drinking a lot more than usual, has ALWAYS been a workaholic but dove in even more and has been distant and mildly confrontational BUT then for me the confusing part of all of this in the evenings he will seem to “calm down”, watch tv with me, offer dinner or tea etc...
I have taken the last few months to dive into a lot of the material on this site (the welcome info as well as follow some similar story lines to my own Thank you all so much 😊) Despite doing all of the “typical” wrong things behaviour wise at the beginning I was quick enough to realize that something was really off and began looking right away for what could be happening and began the process of detaching and GAL. Sadly for me, I find myself in a situation where I’m constanlty questioning if this is a MLC because he hasn’t waivered in wanting to S/D...with a major push to sell the house so he can “get out of the basement”.
I guess right this second I’m lost for what to say to him and how to handle his want of creating a S agreement right now along with his need for immediate resolution. (Brought it up again last night after 4 weeks of doing/saying nothing). I understand trying to reason with him is hitting my own head against a wall, but how do I communicate there are other solutions without controlling him or the situation? Or even “go along” with something that is so destructive? If I’m honest with myself, there is also fear there because I’m still emotionally healing and don’t even understand or know how to create an agreement that protects me should this continue to spiral. Am I truly in a position where I have to respect his feelings and agree to head down this path with him? Sorry for the scattered thoughts I feel like where I am really lost is in my communication with him...he is completely silent and it’s thrown me off so badly. Thanks for anything you have to offer.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
I would never suggest a bluff. It doesn't work. But, I told mine three years ago that he could have a separation agreement. We agreed on terms. He wouldn't sign. Still trying to get that or a divorce. Sometimes when they use it to emotionally distance or hold you at bay without really wanting it. You can't force someone to stay married. If he wants it he'll get it. But, I think there is something to telling them you won't stand in their way.
First I would suggest to get with A Lawyer , just to learn your rights dont tell him this , just keep it to yourself
Dont agree to any agreements until you get the information An Attorney can advise you on a free hour consultation what your legally allowed to get (just in case)
As for you, continue to GAL, stay busy, get counseling, maybe find some new hobby or activity volunteer, make a new friend, go out ect...
there is not much you can do accept become the best version of you
Your H sounds like a typical MLcer with working out, motorcyle, new clothes mine did the same
This is a long road and the only way you will know is in time what your H actually does
They talk and many will drag their feet to buy you more time You can listen and not make any agreements just validate what he is saying
Hang in there it gets easier
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Cadet - I will continue to read the links I haven’t read yet.
OwnIt - I completely agree ... I set my goal very early on in this in that I wanted to manage this situation with as much kindness, understanding and truth as I could. So bluffing wouldn’t be a tactic for me...I’m just struggling with how to keep my feelings clear, allowing him to find his path without feeling like I’ve assisted him with the destruction of our marriage.
Before BD he suggested counselling to which we went to 3 sessions before I figured out that he was only going to tick a box to make his effort look good and only still intended on ending the relationship. In many of the readings I’ve seen people talk about their H confusion and how once they start to DB/D the H starts to come back around. I feel like there has been zero reconsideration of ending the relationship on his part. Is there more I can do? How did you figure out what terms needed agreeing to? Splitting of everything? He feels that because we don’t have kids this is super easy and let’s get on with it.
Last edited by job; 01/03/2009:39 PM. Reason: added spacing between paragraphs for easier reading.
I spoke with a lawyer very early on from a place of pure panic and had an awful experience. They talked at me for over an hour about the advanced legal system after demanding all my info in a shotgun style setting. I was not able to ask any of my questions. I wish I had walked out. I’m so nervous to start that over again but know I need to...
Early on in my process right before BD there was so much confusion surrounding what he wanted and I didn’t know what was going on then so I kept harping on why are you holding me in limbo, over a barrel etc...I deserve a decision. I feel like because of that exchange he’s hyper focused on those words and has made his decision.
I feel like I am without a voice to tell him that I understand so much more now and would have never said those things if I’d only known his struggle. From everything I’ve read it’s too late for these words and he wouldn’t listen anyway. Some people talk about guiding the MLC’r ...how does one do this without sounding controlling?
For some more history (and I’m sure many before have said this) all friends and family are shocked (as well as the counsellor were saw) because we really have a strong loving relationship.
Kindly, you need to quickly accept that nothing you can do is going to short-circuit this. You can't reason people out of their emotions, or emotionally blackmail them into feeling what they don't.
Any kindness you show, other than giving him the space he asks for is going to feel like pressure and pursuit. The faster you can put on your game face, the better.
I am not saying not to protect yourself, because that is a must. Keep visiting attorneys (most do a free consult) until you find one you like and who is willing to listen to what you want. Right now you are information gathering. Make that clear. That this is on a timeline you don't control and you are trying to find someone who will be there when the time comes.
Do not apologize, write notes, call, etc. Write those things in a journal or post them here. It is good to get them out of your head. Research shows doing so helps people because the brain doesn't feel a need to hold onto it.
If this is MLC, you are years away from being able to guide him in any way (if ever). For now, focus on you, detachment, being the best you that you can be. Self care, time with friends and family, health, etc.
It does get better with time. It really and truly does. Just take it a day at a time.
I would cease all conversations about the relationship. You need to give him as much time and space that he needs to figure things out. The stages of MLC are just a guide and the timeline is just that...a timeline to give you an idea of how long each stage may last...but the kicker is that each person is unique, the personality is unique, the childhood is unique and so are the coping skills, or should I say, non-coping skills are unique.
I have been here for 20 years and I have never suggested that someone guide a MLCer. I honestly do not think you can do that because they are operating on pure emotions and if they even get a idea that you attempt attempting to guide/control them, they will come out swinging and swear you are either trying to control them and/or manipulate them.
If you have apologized for whatever you think you said or did wrong, then that is enough. He knows you love him, he knows you want him back and you will do whatever you can to get him back, i.e., even pretzel your into doing things that he comes up w/i.e., a list of our shortcomings. If you think you have some behaviors that need to be worked on, then work on them and make those changes a permanent part of your life and not to win him back. When he sees the changes taking place, he may attempt to bait you into reacting/saying some of the old things that you use to do/say...don't take the bait.
As for counseling...they go for a session of two and hear what they want to hear and that's about it. They take what they wanted to hear and twist it to their advantage. If you want counseling, I suggest going by yourself because right now counseling for the both of you together is a waste of time because he's going to tune out the important work that he needs to do.
Do not attempt to try to rationalize w/him about what he's going through or doing. MLCers do not like for us to try to tell them what is wrong w/them. Remember...he's emotional, confused and yes, depressed at the moment. You can't rationalize w/someone who is not thinking rationally. BTW, the main ingredient of MLC is depression.
Start looking around for lawyers that offer a free consultation and make an appointment. Make a list of the questions that you want to ask and take that list w/you. Tell the lawyer that you are there doing a fact finding mission and want to know what your options are if a divorce should come to pass. Do not share any of this information with your h. This info is for you and you alone.
Now, dig deeper for patience, educate yourself on depression and MLC. Keep the focus on you and what you need to do to protect yourself financially and above all else...try to detach as much as you can. This is a long journey and one that you weren't invited on...but your journey is going to be about you and helping you to become more confident and self assured and be the person that you were when you met your h. Remember...this is a marathon, not a sprint. You can't rush the process...give him the space and time he needs.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Writing on forums is something I have never done before nor ever thought I would be comfortable doing. I am so thankful and overcome with emotions that there are people like yourselves out there that take their time to help others who feel hopeless and blindsided.
How do I know for sure if it is MLC? Truthfully at this point does the label really matter?
I’m doing my best to detach but fully realize I am still too focused on what he is doing. It has DEFINITELY improved from where I was a short 2 months ago. I have almost fully stopped snooping and have stopped obsessing over where he is and with whom.
One of H behaviours that is beyond confusing to me is he hides his aggressive/angry side quite well. We have never been fighters or arguers which is also part of the problem of him feeling like he’s never had a voice I guess. I don’t understand why one day he hides in the basement and will say but 2 words to me then the next day offer me dinner, tea and make “normal” conversation. I’ve read a lot on here about “cake-eating”. Is that what this is? Should I be getting up and removing myself from the common space? Tonight for example, he’s been home for over 3 hours and has asked if I wanted a tea but has not approached the S/D conversation again...is this because I walked away last night without agreeing to it? I simply turned off the light and removed myself from the situation cause it was sooo late.
Job - Thank you! I feel like I’ve made soooo many mistakes after finding this site. His family reached out to me and I’ve since met with MIL and SIL. Both of our families have always been very loving and supportive but his much more from an aloof distance (which I’m coming to understand has had a deeper impact on him than I ever could have realized). MIL was very matter of fact when she said to me “well these things happen” where as SIL I think knows /realizes something isn’t right at all. SIL invited me out before Xmas, MIL ended up coming too .... I was so nervous and didn’t know what to say, how much to say...in the end I told the truth of what I believed was happening in that we did not just grow apart and that I believe it is some sort of MLC. I know my SIL has more questions and wants to stay in touch but I don’t know how much to say and what not to say. I feel like I’ve already said to much, but at this point people in my corner keep telling me “what do I have to lose”. I get so confused.
