New to the club

[DnJ]

Hello Taz

It is good to hear from you.

Yes, the boys heading back to college will sting a bit. Of course seeing them as healthy successful young men lessens that sting a lot.

My kids have similar insights into their Mom much like S21 does.

Yes for a good amount of W’s time, S21 and S19 are forgotten. People in crisis relive their trauma. Relive that time in their lives, over and over. Her kids didn’t exist then. You were not part of her life then. It’s part of their journey.

Another usual part is compulsive behaviours. It’s also part of the running. W’s TV watching falls into this. It’s somewhat an addiction, a mechanism, a coping, an escape. She needs to quiet those voices from long ago that continually torment her.

Exercise is my XW’s escape. She absolutely needs to do it. Like 12 or more hours a day. And sunshine! All day, every day. She is dark tanned and crazy skinny. Doesn’t look all that healthy.

You sound to be doing good. Continue moving forward and keep up the GAL. How was the fishing trip? Oh like that’s not going to get a fish story. LOL. Being it on. I asked for it. I can hear it already. DnJ, I caught one this big!

D

[Gordie]

Taz,

Just read through your situation and you sound like you are doing well with you and your sons.

My w too remembered and brought up things (with resentment) from many, many years ago. And also said she was just "tired" of pretending that everything was okay and that the marriage had been bad for many years (without mentioning it to me).

It is surprising how nice your w is to you on the occasions that you are together and her continued desire to go to church together. You are the only other person I remember on here that had a w like me who imaged that after the end of the R, we would still be one big happy family (even if she was in a relationship with someone else).

Best wishes. Is school re-opening for your boys or are they going to be online/remote?

[Taz]

Gordie,

Thanks for following. Both sons are expecting to return to campus in the next month but we will see if things change. Yes she is always nice when we see her. Our friends have pushed her to get counseling for our marriage. Her reply is always “No thanks, I don’t like conflict”. I wonder if she thinks divorce will be conflict free? Maybe her being nice is just a act since she is conflict avoidant. It would be nice to find out and get some answers in the future but we will be fine either way.

Still standing,

Taz

[Taz]

The boys and I haven’t seen or heard from W since 7/4 when we went to mass and dinner. She has not invited us to attend mass with her since. I suspect it must be getting to difficult for her to pretend that all is ok.

I’ve been cruising along working, home projects (prepping to pour a concrete sidewalk), hanging with friends, working out and running. Today I had a bad day for the first time in over a month. Not really sure why. Went on a four mile run to sweat out the negative emotions. This always seems to work wonders. I have no expectations other than tomorrow is a new day and I will continue to work on being my best.

Last week I was thinking that her lease will be coming up in seven weeks and hoping that she doesn’t ask to come home. I know she and I aren’t ready for that as we both still have work to do. I know I have a good start but doubt she has even started.

Still standing (after picking myself up of the ground today)

Taz

[Indy470]

Taz,

Really am sorry you had a rough day. It sounds like you really are growing and saying that you know you and your wife aren’t ready to reconcile even though recon is what you want shows a lot of awareness. I’m young and new to the whole thing so I won’t try to give out any advice but it seems like you’re doing great. I hope tomorrow’s a better day for you.

Sometimes just picking yourself up off the ground and restarting tomorrow is something to be proud of. I’ve had to do a lot of picking myself up lately so I know the feeling.

[Taz]

So I got S21 and S19 off to there respective universities. It made me a bit sad but it was time. No word from W. Still no contact since 7/4 except seeing her at mass last weekend. She did ask if she could sit with us and I said of course.

Got me thinking about how no one in her immediate family has reached out to the boys to see how they are. Her FOO is not a healthy bunch when it comes to supporting one other. Probably the root of some of her issues as after her father passed while she was a freshman at college she was basically on her own. When we first started dating she never wanted to visit her mom and younger siblings. She used to comment that they was like a group of strangers when they got together.

Replay is back on after a hiatus. She’s back to chasing after fun and happiness by attending our sons former HS football team events. They are limiting attendance but her new recently divorced friend has sons on the team so she has access to her family allotment of tickets.

Time to get the house cleaned up now that the boys are gone. I see a few improvement projects on the horizon. I also have a trip planned with friends in a month if it doesn’t become a COVID casualty.

Still standing,

Tax

[PLC]

Hi Taz,

I just finished reading your sitch. I have an IHS and he is dealing with MLC. I have, in the last year and a half, dealt with a “teenager” living in the other room. Definitely weird.

One thing stood out that your Son wondered if she had dementia, as she had forgotten him and his brother. I know it was driven by the fact she has ignored them lately, but I know early in my situation, H did not reach out to D25 while she was in grad school, he recently told her he wants a divorce, and he ignored our pets. I seriously thought before the initial BD almost 16 months ago, that I WAS dealing with him and dementia. Once the BD that forgetfulness left. I think his brain was trying to process so much he could not keep track. Once it came to a head, he was able to get back to his “normal brain”.

I am sorry you’re here. It does seem like you’re doing very well processing this. You’ve got this.

PLC

[Taz]

So after 9 weeks of silence I get a text from W at work last week, “Want to meet me tomorrow night at xxx?” Needless to say I was shocked. I waited 4 hours to clear my head and responded “Sure”.

It’s been 11 months since BD and this is the first time she’s wanted to meet with me alone. I went with no expectations but figured this could go one of 3 ways.

1. She is filing for divorce.
2. She wants to come home.
3. ???

So we we had dinner, a few beers and light conversation about our sons, families, sports and current events. No relationship talks. So I guess #3 was the outcome. I’m still perplexed by this random reach out. Was this just a temp check?

Still standing,

Taz

[DnJ]

Hello Taz

It looks like you handled yourself and that meeting just fine.

How long was dinner and the conversation?

Could have been a temp check. Good job with no R talks. It sounds like you were you. And a nice safe place to land. Well done!

Yes, it is perplexing. Let time reveal what’s going on. Dig for patience, and keep doing what you’re doing.

W is like a timid scared squirrel, so no pressure, sudden movements, or chasing.

You are doing great.

D

[Taz]

D - Our meeting lasted just a bit less than 2 hours.

Yesterday was our 23rd wedding anniversary and my thoughts turned toward her quite often throughout the day. I considered reaching out by text to see if she wanted to go have dinner/ drinks but decided not to since we were just together a few short days ago.

I did send her a short email “Thinking about you a lot today, hope you are well”. Probably shouldn’t have done this but I just wanted to acknowledge that I remembered the importance of the date and was thinking of her.

Ended up going out for a beer and dinner alone which was actually ok.

Hope I didn’t set things back by sending that email.

Taz