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Taz #2895605 05/21/20 11:15 PM
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Doing some thinking today which I know can be dangerous. One of the things W told me and our sons in separate notes on why she left was that she was tired of pretending that everything was ok. She has left us notes but has yet to speak to us about anything of substance.

I understand that always pretending that you are happy and have a perfect family and marriage can wear on your mental health. Heres the weird thing, every time we see her she still just acts like everything is fine and dandy.

So I guess its ok to pretend some of the time (a couple of hours every two weeks or so). W is still running from something. I know it isnt just me and our sons. We are just collateral damage.

Time to stop thinking and get dinner started.

Taz


Me55 (53@BD)
W52 (50@BD)
S22 (20@BD) S20 (19@BD)
Married 23 Together 28
BD 9/29/19 (came home from weekend fishing trip and wife had moved out with no warning)
W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text)
Taz #2895614 05/22/20 02:36 AM
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Hey Taz,

Just reading up on your sitch, and it seems very similar to mine. I know it is tempting to try and read things into their actions and words, but it is impossible to know what they are thinking in their scrambled minds.

You are doing well by focusing on you and your boys. Keep working on yourself and giving her time and space. This way, no matter how things turn out, you are an even better version of yourself. You got this!

WMLC

WMLC #2897485 06/14/20 10:33 AM
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Been fairly quiet the past three weeks since Memorial day when we last saw her. W reached out last week to remind us that our church was resuming services the first weekend in June and she had signed the 4 of us up to attend the Saturday evening anticipation mass.

Our parish is only allowing a limited # of people at mass to keep distancing and you must sign up online. You are also limited to one weekend mass per month until restrictions are lifted and last weekend was our opportunity based on the alphabetical pecking order they established.

I was unfortunately out of town working and my return flight did not arrive back in time for mass. I texted W and told her that I couldnt go and she should remind our sons which she did. Upon my return I asked my sons if their mom contacted them about mass. S21 replied that she did but he told her No thanks. When I asked him why he said that he was tired of participating in her charade of acting like we are still a normal happy family. I just said ok, figured its up to them to work out this current dynamic with her.

Taz



Last edited by Taz; 06/14/20 10:35 AM.

Me55 (53@BD)
W52 (50@BD)
S22 (20@BD) S20 (19@BD)
Married 23 Together 28
BD 9/29/19 (came home from weekend fishing trip and wife had moved out with no warning)
W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text)
Taz #2897489 06/14/20 02:00 PM
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Good Morning Taz

Originally Posted by Taz
Upon my return I asked my sons if their mom contacted them about mass. S21 replied that she did but he told her No thanks. When I asked him why he said that he was tired of participating in her charade of acting like we are still a normal happy family. I just said ok, figured its up to them to work out this current dynamic with her.

Good on S21. And good for you. Yes, its their relationship. Where it goes it up to Mom and son. Your job is just to not destroy it.

Glad to see S21 was cordial and polite, probably somewhat indifferent I suspect. A simple and direct no thanks. Thats very good.

Did S19 go to mass with Mom?

If you would have been in town, would you have gone? If so, would you have expected the boys to attend?

You know S21s current feelings about propping up a charade. Ensure you acknowledge and validate his feelings.

For what its worth: Ok, so your not a normal and happy family. S21 is most likely getting closer to the acceptance of things, and depressive thoughts and feelings do arise. However, not normal and happy family doesnt preclude happy family. And by the way, what is normal anyhow. Your family is normal!!! Your feelings are normal!!!

Those are the lessons and guidance which is upon your shoulders to inspire and demonstrate to your boys. Their happiness is not defined by their ideals of a normal family. Your happiness isnt defined by that either. You and they - be happy together. Be normal together. Be a family. Eat meals, laugh at jokes, have birthday parties, watch TV, go on vacations, ride rollercoasters, fix cars, etc... Normalize their lives and yours.

Just passing to you some lessons I learnt along the path.

One particularly difficult lesson was its ok to still have fun and be happy. Its ok to let go. Its good to see your son wanting to live authentic and not act. Its a good path to walk. Better not bitter.

Have a great day.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2897543 06/15/20 03:47 AM
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Good evening D

Originally Posted by DnJ

Did S19 go to mass with Mom?

If you would have been in town, would you have gone? If so, would you have expected the boys to attend



S19 did not attend either. He doesnt currently speak to his mother. He avoids discussing her and I dont push him.

Yes, I would have gone had I been in town and I would have invited the boys but would let them make their own decision on weather to attend.

She is pleasant to be around and always acts as though everything is fine between us. Its very confusing but doesnt bother me much any more so I just play along and be compassionate and kind. Who knows where this will lead.

Last edited by job; 06/15/20 03:48 PM. Reason: fixed quote

Me55 (53@BD)
W52 (50@BD)
S22 (20@BD) S20 (19@BD)
Married 23 Together 28
BD 9/29/19 (came home from weekend fishing trip and wife had moved out with no warning)
W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text)
Taz #2897580 06/15/20 02:18 PM
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Good Morning Taz

Its a pretty normal response for S19, not to be speak about, or with, his mother. Sounds like S21 is more open about it.

Good for you realizing and allowing the boys to make up their own minds for attending and other things.

Keep moving forward. Continue to be compassionate and kind. You are right, the future is unknown and no one knows where it will lead, or who will be involved in your life. Except you - you will always be part of your life. Ensure its a great one Taz.

So, what are you up to? Any projects? Hobbies? Yard work? Remodelling? Music lessons? Got any trips planned for the summer?

Have a great day Taz.

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
DnJ #2897642 06/16/20 02:35 AM
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Originally Posted by DnJ

So, what are you up to? Any projects? Hobbies? Yard work? Remodelling? Music lessons? Got any trips planned for the summer?
D


I am keeping busy. I typically spend a couple weekends per month down south at the family farm. Mowing pasture, repairing fences, and maintaining an array of 30-60 year old tractors and various implements, cutting firewood, etc. No major projects here at the house but there is always something to do. Run or work out most days, Play some occasional golf and have a few trips planned this summer, fishing weekend this month, put-in-bay at lake Erie in July, and Key West in September. Going to the Indy 500 in August if they have it. Ill be plenty busy. I havent turned the TV on in months. I should cancel the cable. W probably watches a minimum of 5 hours a day. I could never sit still for that long. Theres too much to do and see.

Taz


Me55 (53@BD)
W52 (50@BD)
S22 (20@BD) S20 (19@BD)
Married 23 Together 28
BD 9/29/19 (came home from weekend fishing trip and wife had moved out with no warning)
W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text)
Taz #2898643 06/27/20 02:57 AM
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So W reached out to me two weeks ago. She had an issue with her car and the price to repair was more than it was worth. I offered to take a look at it and ended up repairing it for her for about 15% of the estimate. I know cake eating. She fired me as her husband but will still let me be her mechanic. I let her use my truck while I worked on it. She was kind when she stopped by for inspection and the drop off and pickup.

She chatted with me more than S21 and S19 on those visits. She was very appreciative and thankful for the help. Still no idea what her future plans are regarding the R and I never bring it up. I am becoming more detached each day. It will be 9 months post BD this weekend.

going fishing with 3 old frat bros tomorrow. My goal is to not mention the situation at all and to catch my limit.

Tax

Last edited by Taz; 06/27/20 02:58 AM.

Me55 (53@BD)
W52 (50@BD)
S22 (20@BD) S20 (19@BD)
Married 23 Together 28
BD 9/29/19 (came home from weekend fishing trip and wife had moved out with no warning)
W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text)
Taz #2898647 06/27/20 05:21 AM
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Hello Taz

Repairing her car was a nice thing to do. Something done as you would for a friend. That doesnt constitute cake eating. Cake eating is knowingly being in a serious relationship with your spouse while your spouse is also in another serious relationship with someone else. You just fixed her car, werent intimate.

Good job not bring up any R conversations during her visits. Nice to see your progress and detachment.

Your fishing trip sounds like a great idea. As well as the goal of not bring up you situation at all. Oh, and to catch your limit. smile

Have a great time!

D


Now: Me54 XW51 S25 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
Taz #2900027 07/15/20 09:47 PM
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Update,

Me and boys went to Mass and dinner with W on the fourth. This was our only contact in the past 3 weeks. Had some friendly chit chat about what we have all been up to. Afterward S21 said she might as well have Dimentia, it seems as though she has forgotten we exist. She did text the boys Yesterday to share a password for a streaming service she just enrolled in. This must be her fourth one now, she watches a lot of TV. I find this to be a bit unhealthy.

Still DBing and GALing. Im really starting to appreciate the gift of time. S21 and S19 will be heading back to college in a month if things go as planned. This will give me a break but will sting a bit as well.

Taz


Me55 (53@BD)
W52 (50@BD)
S22 (20@BD) S20 (19@BD)
Married 23 Together 28
BD 9/29/19 (came home from weekend fishing trip and wife had moved out with no warning)
W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text)
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