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Taz #2891149 04/01/20 02:18 PM
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Sounds like MLC to me

Botox, not talking to kids

There really is no explanation for the behavior of a MLC...
My best understanding of it is they have unresolved issues from the past as she clearly does, long history of not dealing with emotions and problems, and running from pain

MLC is all about running..they cant see they have issues from childhood, teenage years and the crises usually comes around mid life
age 40
triggered by some event...maybe son leaving, or someone dying

What I saw from my XH crises is nothing could help him see the truth
He wanted to play, he did not want to parent his young children
He did not want to run his sucessful company
He wanted to have fun, got a motorcycle, dyed his hair, changed his clothing style

he was not interested in therapy or working through it instead he chose to leave a life that was sucessfull, good job , home and family and start over with a younger woman who had psych issues ..

continue to work on yourself and support your boys

more will come to the surface


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Some will take up w/someone and then, there are those who do the MLC trip solo. It all depends upon the person, their coping skills and what they experienced as children. However, I would venture to say that there is someone on her radar and you just aren't aware of it. It could be an emotional affair versus a physical one...no matter...because you are going to continue to focus on you and your children. You are going to allow her to travel her own path and once she's reached the end of the path, she will need to face those demons and decide whether to remain a long time MLCer or become a mature, more settled woman.

Stay the course, focus on you and your children. You've got this!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Taz #2891302 04/03/20 02:55 AM
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Ah Taz, so sorry. Dont have much to offer except prayers and remember to keep working on you. Actually have it easier in all this if we can let go of our own pain long enough too see them. It is just hard on our kids. Blessings


W (me): 50 H: 46
M: 21 T: 25
S:17 D:15
BD 11/2019

Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
Taz #2891666 04/07/20 10:12 AM
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Hi Taz. Sorry you are here. I have to agree with job, that there might be someone on her radar. I never in a million year would have guessed that was even possible with my H, but it happened. Is still active from a distance. The internet sure makes contacting others easy. Where there is a will, there is a way.

I hope this isn't the case with your sitch. It's a hard road. We are all here for you.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Taz #2891671 04/07/20 11:49 AM
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Good Morning Taz

It is nice to hear from you.

Sounds like you are doing very well with this single parent stuff. Having your sons, two young men doing their university courses online, around during all this is a good thing. And yes, you three wise men know and see how W/Mom is behaving, no matter what she says.

And there is one of the truths in all this. Believe none of what the MLCer says, and only half of what they do.

MLCers are driven by their feelings. Their emotions are cranked up to 11. Long ago emotional trauma(s), from a person in a position of authority, emotionally scarred and stunted them when they were young children/teenagers.

Their buried and denied pain has remain within them until the pressures of midlife stir those unrealized feelings. A triggering event awakens their torment around 18-24 months before bomb drop. The LBS can usually see these small innocuous signs when they look back and start putting the pieces together. Don’t worry, no one sees those signs for what they were while living with their spouse.

Your W is on a journey. A person in crisis is completely captivated and unable to escape their emotional suffering. It is so bad, so tormenting, that they will rewrite their history, blame you, the kids, the dogs, the sky, whatever... they run from their pain. They are driven to escape their pain. They destroy their lives, their marriages, their families, all in an attempt to run from themselves. This all has nothing to do with you! This was all set up a long time ago, when you didn’t even know her.

A MLCer doesn’t know any of this. They don’t see it. They can’t. Their long ago, unaddressed emotions, are now at the surface with all the pain from that time. This drags them back to that time. They revert to those small children/teenagers, reliving those times. They need to find peace with their feelings. To realize they were not at fault for whatever trauma(s) were inflicted upon them. They were young people and not to blame, but a person in authority holds great power over a young emotionally immature person, and that young person blames themselves.

Remember, this is an emotional trauma. The young person cannot reconcile what happened, and does not know what to do. Imagine someone of absolute trust, betraying you - well we all have that with BD - but as a young person you’d have no idea how to handle it. So the trauma(s) gets emotional buried and forgotten... until later. Ticking time bomb, the fuse on which was lit long ago. This MLC was, and is, unknown, unavoidable, and so very unfortunate for all involved.

You are not along for the ride. She will be walking her path alone. And she needs too.

You need to focus on you and the boys. Give W space and time. She needs both and will take them, therefore do not pressure her. Keep any interactions cordial and pressure free. Too much pressure and the MLCer will bolt.

MLCers cannot blame themselves, and therefore blame their loving spouse. Your W says you guys had a bad marriage, mine said she was unhappy for the last 2, 5, 15 years. Yeah, they rewrite their history to match and justify what they feel.

One on the main goals for you is to give her time to realize that you are no longer affecting her emotions. Now, I know, and you know, that she is the one affecting her emotions - but she doesn’t know that. You focus on you and let her be. After a while she realizes that hey Taz hasn’t been around for a while and yet I am still unhappy. Therefore it cannot be his fault.

That little leap of logic is an insurmountable canyon for her right now. She cannot see the reality staring her in the face. Time and space, and lots of it.

Taz, you have the gift of time, use it well. The LBS grows from this. Usually becoming better people through this crucible of change. The situation you find yourself in is an incredible opportunity, and one I wish you didn’t have to endure. Our own path has many blessings and realizations along it, and is a slog to get through.

There are many people here, who know what you face, and what you are traversing.

Focus on you. Detach. Find compassionate indifference. Let go.

You sound well and grounded.

Stay strong.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Taz #2892445 04/15/20 09:55 PM
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Thanks for all the supportive posts.

A brief update. Out of the blue she brought lunch for us to the house one day last week. Odd that she brought a sandwich for me as she knows I am still working at the office. I think that is the nicest thing she has done for me since she left.

With Easter upcoming I asked S20 if he wanted to invite W over for Easter dinner. He did and she enthusiastically agreed. She brought a few entrees for dinner and Easter baskets for the boys and one for me. Seems odd that she brought one for me after ignoring me at Christmas and on my birthday last month. Oh well sure it means nothing but it was a nice gesture.

Back to no contact and keeping busy. I have enjoyed the time to build my relationship with my sons and accomplish many tasks around the house. Worked with S20 the past week installing a new clutch in his car along with new suspension components. Saved a bunch of $$$ and it was good to teach him a few things.

Taz


M57 (53@BD)
XW55 (50@BD)
S24 (20@BD) S22 (19@BD)
Married 25 (22@BD) Together 28
BD 9/29/19 (moved out unannounced while I was on fishing trip)
W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text)
D final 11/10/22
Taz #2892460 04/16/20 02:14 AM
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Taz,
Thanks for updating us. It does seem like your W is peeking out of the tunnel, but we all have to be careful with zero expectations. Only believe 50% of what they do... and nothing of what they say (unless followed up with actions).

We all have to accept the kindness from our MLCers with gratitude. It may be gone in the next instant as their feelings (fear, confusion, loneliness, anger, etc.) rise up and force them back on their solitary path.

I re-read DR the pages on Midlife and 180 again. It reminded me again and again that patience is going to be tested. That we have to protect ourselves with detachment, no contact or smart contact, and continuing to get a life and take care of ourselves... and our kids.

It seems like you are doing gang busters with your kids. Teaching your son a useful skill will build his confidence and also your bonding. What a great thing to do! Good for you!

Take care and keep on keeping on. Blessings


W (me): 50 H: 46
M: 21 T: 25
S:17 D:15
BD 11/2019

Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
Taz #2893896 05/01/20 11:24 PM
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So Monday was S20’s 21st birthday. W planned a drive about where we visited 8 friend’s homes. Each family friend had a drink waiting for him. Some of them hung out for a bit at a safe distance and had a drink with him. It was a great evening and S21 really enjoyed it. She was just like her pre BD self. We all had a great time. She even gave me her phone to text to let people know we were on way in between homes in the car. I was tempted to snoop but didn’t. I’m sure I would have discovered nothing anyhow. After returning home I thanked her for organizing and went in the house. Of course we haven’t heard from her since. It seems like she is just content seeing the Boys once every two weeks. Looks like Mother’s Day may be the next reach out touch and go.

There is one other thing I want opinions on that I haven’t mentioned before. Some time prior to BD W asked me if I remembered a friends wedding we attended. I said of course as I was a member of the wedding party. She brought up the fact that they did a wedding party dance and I danced with the girl I escorted down the aisle. She then said “ You didn’t dance with me at that wedding!” This wedding was 25 years ago. We were not even engaged at the time. I apologized and said I wish she would have talked to me about it at the time. She just turned around and walked away. I was confused at he time but didn’t realize she must be setting the stage for her departure. She has brought this up to some of her friends lately to justify why she left. They are as confused as I am about her bringing it up now.

Taz


M57 (53@BD)
XW55 (50@BD)
S24 (20@BD) S22 (19@BD)
Married 25 (22@BD) Together 28
BD 9/29/19 (moved out unannounced while I was on fishing trip)
W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text)
D final 11/10/22
Taz #2893906 05/02/20 01:47 AM
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Hello Taz

Congratulation to son on turning 21. That’s a big year!

My math shows him 13 drinks short. Lol.

Nice to see all the friends and families having an awaiting beverage for him. It sounded like a really good time.

The dance from a wedding 25 years ago. Yeah, strange.

MLCers are reliving some past trauma. They get emotional transported back to that time, more or less. Your W is remembering all kinds of things from back them, like they were yesterday.

My XW recalled my old car from over 30 years ago. Described it to my kids like she was looking at it. Of course it did have black and white zebra striped upholstery and steering wheel cover. smile Oh, the 80’s were a fun time! Roaring around with A-ha’s Take on Me blaring out the speakers.

Thing to remember is MLCers entered the tunnel before BD, usually 18-24 months before. They slowly and inexorably progress towards BD and replay. Along this slow decline they show signs of confusion, emotional immaturity, trouble coping, etc. This is usually such a slow change in behaviour the LBS doesn’t see it.

This is pretty reasonable since most of us had no experience with MLC until BD. We had no idea what we would have been looking for, if we were even looking.

My XW had some “crazy” conversation and behaviours pre-bomb drop. I, completely unawares, just thought she was mixed up or over tired or something. We, future LBS’s, rationalize it.

Now present day, me, my Mom, Dad, kids, and friends all have various stories of XW when looking back. It is amazing that we didn’t see it before. Kind of wild that such a thing is so unknowingly overlooked. Nowadays I see emotional problems in people like they have a glowing red neon sign. Living through this does open one’s eye pretty wide.

Your W is remembering and reliving all kinds of past experiences. The wedding dance and not dance is just one of many. These will be a mix of remembered fondly and used as blame. It’s weird. It’s confusing.

Originally Posted by Taz
She has brought this up to some of her friends lately to justify why she left. They are as confused as I am about her bringing it up now.

Yep. Bring it up 25 years later.

Trust me, she is just as confused as you are for why she is bring it up. She doesn’t know or understand why her past is surfacing.

My XW thought she was going crazy. Those were her words. She though she was losing her mind. Turns out she kind of did.

These MLCer have troubled pasts and unreconciled emotional trauma(s). And emotions that are buried alive will come back to haunt.

Hang in there.

You got this.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
Taz #2895174 05/17/20 12:49 PM
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So mother’s day was a week ago. S21 and S19 each texted her “Happy Mother’s Day” she just replied with a simple “Thanks”. I resisted the urge to wish her the same. Part of me wonders if that was a mistake but she hasn't acknowledged me on past reach outs so I decided not to. The boys also attempted to drop off a card but she didn’t answer her door so they just left it taped to the door. She claimed she was napping and didn’t hear the knock.

I heard from her for the first time in three weeks on Friday. She texted me about church resuming limited attendance mass starting in June. Wanted to know if she should respond that all 4 of us plan on attending or if I wanted to respond separately for me and the boys. I just said it was fine for her to respond for all of us.

Also on Friday she invited the boys over for dinner and they accepted. S21 said they were there for 30 minutes. Said conversation was awkward and irrelevant. They left as soon as they were done eating.

She did return S19’s high school yearbook and Cross Country team pullover that she took with her when she left. He questioned her why she had them. She just said that she liked reading through the yearbook and that the pullover was comfortable. Is it possible that she took these because she was reliving her youth? Just seems odd.

Still detaching, working on self improvement, and providing a stable home for the boys.

Taz


M57 (53@BD)
XW55 (50@BD)
S24 (20@BD) S22 (19@BD)
Married 25 (22@BD) Together 28
BD 9/29/19 (moved out unannounced while I was on fishing trip)
W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text)
D final 11/10/22
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