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Too much doom and gloom. Life is what you make it.

You can find friends when you decide you can.

Get out there and get involved with what you love to do. You will find friends.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Originally Posted by unchien

It feels like a heavier loneliness than the usual "well I'm separated and alone without my kids the next few days" feeling.

I worked so hard when I moved out to set up a house for my kids and me. Now that it's 7 months later, the house feels temporary, unfinished, with a bunch of hand-me-down furniture. Temporary stuff for a temporary place. It's not the community I want to live in. It's expensive. The entire area I live in lacks a feeling of community (everybody complains about that). I don't know where I want to live.



I feel this is because you are still in limbo and the terms of your separation are not particularly favorable to you with regards to custody of the kids. The limbo results in a lot of temporary things because you don't know what the future is and so cannot commit to anything permanent. Probably not surprising that you are missing your kids and feeling lonely because of the limited time you have with them.


You said the ball was rolling now. Once things are resolved it will hopefully help you plan for a more permanent situation in the future.

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Originally Posted by unchien
Thanks all for chiming in with your support.

It feels like a heavier loneliness than the usual "well I'm separated and alone without my kids the next few days" feeling.


This is completely normal, and it's close to how I also feel most days. I've been working through this feeling with IC for the past four or five sessions now.

I do occasionally wonder if it has something to do with working through co-dependent issues. My suspicion is that it does, at least in my own experience.

Originally Posted by unchien

I worked so hard when I moved out to set up a house for my kids and me. Now that it's 7 months later, the house feels temporary, unfinished, with a bunch of hand-me-down furniture. Temporary stuff for a temporary place. It's not the community I want to live in. It's expensive. The entire area I live in lacks a feeling of community (everybody complains about that). I don't know where I want to live.


It is all temporary, it is all limbo and limbo-adjacent. That's what I spoke of months ago on your thread when i said it will last for much longer than we were thinking at the time.

What if you did something? Some small thing - changed some of the hand-me down furniture? Painted? Redecorated? It wouldn't be a drastic thing but it might help get you unstuck.

Originally Posted by unchien

I'm working full-time. Busy again, which feels good. But it feels kind of meaningless. I'm earning money, which is necessary. And I enjoy my job enough day to day.

I've never been great at building a support network in my post-college adult life. I likely stayed in too many long-term relationships because they felt "safe" and I avoided the lonely feeling. I have one good friend in the area, a bunch of work colleagues, and that's about it. I haven't had much success during the 7 months making new friends, which is really on me I guess. Like DejaVu suggested, I usually say yes to every invitation, but I think I need to put myself out there more somehow.


You don't have to have a huge support network. I like my alone time, but once all this went down I forced myself to go out and contact people, text them out of the blue just to say hi, remembered old friendships I'd neglected. It really isn't in my nature to do this, but I was tired of the incessant thinking. And they seemed happy to do stuff with me. So it was a double win.

The only way to change this is to get out there, put yourself out there and do it. You can tell yourself you can't. Or you can try doing it. The choice is yours.

Quote

There are things going on in my situation that are probably sparking these feelings. I'm choosing not to post much of that right now. There is a re-realization that this is really happening, now that the ball is rolling.

This is one of those posts that sounds more wallow-y negative than I actually feel in the moment. It helps to let it out sometimes.


Hard to know what to say here without details, but I understand and wish you the best in whatever it is that is happening smile
I agree - it's good to let it out.

Take care, man smile

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MLC ~ I think you are right about the separation limbo affecting me. W still lives in the gorgeous remote home and has not faced much reality yet. I'm in a temporary rental home, work has ramped up lately, and my income is paying for it all. I feel like my hands are tied in a lot of ways - with the kids and money in particular.

ovr ~ I have a tendency to indulge in the doom and gloom, yes. Working on it =)

IW ~ I'm also working through the co-dependent tendencies. Part of what has made this so hard is not losing my W specifically, but losing a person I could always turn to for support and sharing. Like you, I also enjoy my alone time, but feel like I should be working harder to be a bit more social. When I have opportunities I jump at them, but I have not put a huge effort into seeking opportunities.

Other updates:

It's looking like next week we will have some progress in sorting out the next steps in the D. W has been acting differently lately, a little more friendly here and there, sharing a little more about things going on with her family (health problems). I validate, there is not much of a back and forth.

It feels a bit more like how things will hopefully evolve -- into more of a business-like relationship. From what I read, this is the path forward to building a healthy setup for the kids. But I am also wary of any friendliness because we are about to go through a difficult negotiation period.

I know I'm still emotionally attached to a degree. That's okay. I acknowledge it.

On my side, I am nervous, but making sure I have a plan in place for upcoming discussions. I know they won't go exactly as planned, but having a simple plan in place will help me focus on my goals.

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This is a hard time for you, unchien. I can empathise a lot, though our circumstances are different. I am not sure this limbo feeling and the insecurity, anxiety and lonlieness that comes with it ever goes away. What helps me is to realise that when I thought 'right, this is it, this is how my life is going to be' in my marriage's better days, it led to me neglecting my personal development, relying too heavily on others for my emotional well being, neglecting GAL and risk-taking new experiences in my professional and personal life, and generally dying a way a little as a person - which trashed my family life and marriage in all kinds of ways. My H is back in the house, as you know, but I don't think I'll ever feel that deep down secure 'this is it, I don't need to work on things any more' and I won't make the assumptions I made in the past about someone else always being there, and always likely to behave in ways I like, agree with and approve of. Perhaps that speaks to trust issues on my part - perhaps it's just a more adult and grown up way of looking at life - always in flux, always unpredictable, always temporary and in limbo in one way or another. There's a mourning and a loneliness that does go along with that and perhaps it will always be there, and make me wiser and more compassionate, or perhaps it's just growing pains and I will come out of the other side acknowledging the reality of how limbo-like and unpredictable life and other people are, but being able to find something to trust and rest in and feel happy anyway.

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U,

Sorry to hear that you've had a rough patch. It can get really hard to keep a PMA all the time. It's ok to have a few days of doom and gloom - part of our grief.

On the upside, W is more friendly?! That's great! I hope that she is starting to see you as a safe space to talk and trust. Whether you eventually (I'm sure not anytime soon) reconcile, a good, healthy friendship is a good building block for co-parenting and the kids.

Keep preparing yourself to stay calm during upcoming discussions. I've even heard some people say that it's helpful to think of the most egregious things that might come up and practice responses to them.

Sending you ((HUGS))

KG


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
No Kids
4 dogs

Separated 1y
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Alison ~ It's true our situations are different, but that feeling of a lack of stability, a lack of something concrete that we can always reach out and touch... I completely get it. I wonder if life will ever feel stable again. Because the reality is we all are kind of alone in this world. That can either be a depressing thought, or a freeing one.

KG ~ I realized by not sharing details I may have given you the wrong perception. Our text back-and-forth's have died down, she seems to be more in control of herself. That is what I call "friendliness" when in fact it is more like we have transitioned into a bit more business-like relationship. Which is exactly what most co-parenting books advise you to work towards in the early phases.

First official mediation session is scheduled a few days from now. I'm expecting this to be a major turning point (but not counting on it either).

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Unchien,

I completely get you. It still hits me too. The loneliness. The emptiness. Like you I am a big fan of meditation. Live in the present, right?. But, sometimes, just sometimes, I miss making plans. My H and I had so many plans. Then I push the thought to the side, and try and come back to the present. But it creeps back.

The choice as to whether it's a major turning point (or not) is yours. You can continue as you are or you can choose to let go. If you do your co-parenting relationship will take a hit, but it will equalise once again in time.

FS


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

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Originally Posted by unchien

IW ~ I'm also working through the co-dependent tendencies. Part of what has made this so hard is not losing my W specifically, but losing a person I could always turn to for support and sharing. Like you, I also enjoy my alone time, but feel like I should be working harder to be a bit more social. When I have opportunities I jump at them, but I have not put a huge effort into seeking opportunities.


Yes, same here. With time I have begun to realize that I did rely on W for some emotional stability, but not to the degree that should have broken up the R. I tried to be there too for her throughout the 21 yrs of the R, but she would withdraw and deflect from dealing with her emotional issues in the present or past, so there wasn't much of a give and take there. I think you may see it too, eventually.

My PTSD gives me social anxiety (the gift that keeps on giving - yay!) that can come on out of nowhere. I feel it flood inward and I start sweating, panicking internally and looking for the nearest exit.

Thankfully I have learned to combat this internally while almost completely keeping a normal appearing exterior, so almost no one knows I have this. My nature is to isolate and bottle up when I feel it coming on. However it is a very unhealthy way to deal with things and I am learning how to better process it now.

This week I feel like crap but I'm forcing myself to get out there anyway. I'm keeping it to short interactions with people I know rather well, it helps to calm the anxiety somewhat and relief from my headspace for a little while

Originally Posted by unchien

I know I'm still emotionally attached to a degree. That's okay. I acknowledge it.


Do you think you will ever become fully detached? I think this is something we all focus on, and strive to, but - especially if you have kids together - it will always be there in the background.





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Ever notice all throughout most of our lives and experiences, the greatest ones are when we are in the moment, out of our own heads, and in someone else's? Or out of our heads, and in an experience with someone or something else? Or enjoying the present and planning for the future, and when those planned future events come to pass, having gratitude and doing it again.

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