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A Message from Michele
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This is a gift #2 #2878633
01/03/20 05:36 PM
01/03/20 05:36 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,477
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unchien Offline OP
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unchien  Offline OP
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Posts: 1,477

Re: This is a gift #2 [Re: unchien] #2878635
01/03/20 05:49 PM
01/03/20 05:49 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,477
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unchien Offline OP
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unchien  Offline OP
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Wow I sparked a lot of comments!

OK, you all baited me into a longer response =)

A few things going on for me:

- I spent a lot of the last 8 months spending multiple hours on DB forums. Including at work. It has been incredibly helpful in many ways. In some ways, it has been spinning and cycling over the same thoughts. Sometimes it has been a distraction.

- I would like to make some personal improvements this year. I have 3 young kids and need to make sure I am there for them as a single dad going forward. I still feel like I live in a temporary house, with temporary clothes for the kids and temporary furniture. So I intend to focus more energy on preparing for life ahead as a single dad.

- I have had an explosion in emotional awareness in the last year. Some of this is from DB. Some is from meditation, exercise, and working to live more in the present moment. It HELPS me. I can feel an inner calm. I am consciously trying to be more in the present. I am investing more energy towards this goal as well.

- I had a recent IC session where my counselor pointed out how my thoughts start ping-ponging around when I am in a cycle of anxiety. We started talking about it. What are the benefits, what are the downsides, etc. I want a healthier coping mechanism. That includes recognizing when I am ping-ponging, and keeping that in check.

- I also want to work on meeting some new friends this year. Not sure how I will go about doing it (Meetup?) but the last 3 months I realize I was not making much of an effort. I think this is really important, because otherwise my temptation to fill up my single time will be to go seek a new relationship at some point, which would not be a healthy or wise choice.

Of course it feels good to post here and get the incredible feedback you all provide. Maybe I have been discounting the benefit that other people have by reading my story. I get so much out of reading other people's stories here.

I came here many times the last several days to start a post. And I realized I didn't have much to say that I haven't already said. So I spent the time taking action. I looked up mediators, I looked up L's. I started reading a book on self-improvement. I meditate daily. I still come to read other people's stories and post when I feel I may have something valuable to add.

Re: This is a gift #2 [Re: unchien] #2878666
01/03/20 09:18 PM
01/03/20 09:18 PM
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 178
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KristinG Offline
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KristinG  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 178
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U,

I have seen you grow in the short time I've known you on here. You have wonderful advice and you're a constant reminder that someone cares and someone is listening. I can tell that you have a kind heart and you're a great dad with those kids. For me, reading other stories inspires me. We're all going through some of the most difficult stuff life can throw at a person and having an accepting place is comforting. I've heard Meetup is great. I downloaded it but there isn't much on it for me (rural area). I would have to travel at least an hour away for any groups. The setup was easy and closer to a big city it seems like there are a TON of options for exploring and meeting new people. I heard someone suggest on another thread to create your own Meetup event so that you can tailor your experience to what you're looking for. Want a bro & brewski night? Plan it. Want to binge all of the Lord of The Rings movies? Plan it! You can set it up so that it's specifically for finding new friends, networking, or whatever you're into. Glad to hear that you seem to be more aware of your emotions and have great goals for 2020. Cheers friend!

KG


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
No Kids
4 dogs

Separated 1y
Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
Re: This is a gift #2 [Re: unchien] #2878694
01/04/20 12:41 AM
01/04/20 12:41 AM
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 497
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wooba Offline
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Originally Posted by unchien
I spent a lot of the last 8 months spending multiple hours on DB forums. Including at work. It has been incredibly helpful in many ways. In some ways, it has been spinning and cycling over the same thoughts. Sometimes it has been a distraction.

Same for me, sometimes I find the forum incredibly helpful and healing, other times totally exhausting and draining. Still the good outweighs the bad for me so far though. If anything it's a great place to vent. smile

Originally Posted by unchien
I have 3 young kids and need to make sure I am there for them as a single dad going forward. I still feel like I live in a temporary house, with temporary clothes for the kids and temporary furniture. So I intend to focus more energy on preparing for life ahead as a single dad.

This is awesome. I haven't read your whole sitch but I have read some. You have a good vibe and I feel like you are a caring father. My kids are young also, so I resonate with you on trying to be the best for the kids and making everything as stable for them as possible. Spending your energy and time with your kids has nothing but positive returns.

Originally Posted by unchien
I also want to work on meeting some new friends this year. Not sure how I will go about doing it (Meetup?) but the last 3 months I realize I was not making much of an effort.

Meetup is GREAT!! I've started meet up groups on my own and joined a few when I became a new mother and I was living in H's hometown where I didn't know anybody. It helped me immensely and made me feel connected to the people in my community. I've made great friendships through meet ups and still talk to some of them now that I'm living abroad. There are lots of local Facebook groups now for different interests also. Picking up a new hobby, join a running group....etc. Sometimes you have to get creative to open new doors. Good luck!


BD: Sep 2019
H moved out: Oct 2019
3 kids under 12
Re: This is a gift #2 [Re: unchien] #2878699
01/04/20 01:10 AM
01/04/20 01:10 AM
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 226
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Hallzy9 Offline
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Hey U,

Itís nice reading the goals you have. New Years is a time to set goals but I feel that is DBers should double down on this haha.

I know what you mean about the thoughts bouncing around. Sometimes I would read someone elseís sitch and then start thinking how it compares to mine which would spiral into some bad thoughts. Iíve stepped away from the forum for a few weeks at a time which I feel helped in my case.

I also used to have a lot of anxiety as well, but as Iíve finally given up control over everything but my own actions, the anxiety has mostly gone. It took me months to get to this point but finally something just clicked and I accepted whatís going on. Anxiety is no fun and I wish you the best in dealing with it.

Sounds like you got a lot of positive things in mind which is great! Keep it up buddy.


Me: 26 W:26
T:6 M:1 S: 1
BD: 3/26/19
DBing: 4/12/19
Separation: 5/20/19
I filed: 8/7/19
Re: This is a gift #2 [Re: unchien] #2878742
01/04/20 05:13 PM
01/04/20 05:13 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,477
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unchien Offline OP
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unchien  Offline OP
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Ok I am a little annoyed this morning.

My kids were telling me we moved to this area just because I wanted a particular job. And that I could easily move back to the old hometown because there are several jobs.

This is not my truth and clearly my W was feeding them this. I told the kids we moved because I could not find a job in hometown to support us. (W refused at the time to look at more affordable homes - had she been willing to have a more affordable lifestyle we could have stayed). And also that I canít move back because the jobs in hometown are not what I specialize in.

Really frustrated but I probably shouldnít raise this concern with my W right? Just part of her story to blame me for everything. I canít control what she tells the kids. I know in addition to her abuse/safety narrative she thinks I ďforcedĒ a move because I am some sort of narcissist in love with my job. Gah!

Re: This is a gift #2 [Re: unchien] #2878749
01/04/20 05:44 PM
01/04/20 05:44 PM
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 674
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IronWill Offline
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Hey U -

Here's a post that job left for another LBS the other day. I found it very helpful.


Originally Posted by job
Space,

You didn't break her, therefore, you can't fix her. May of us on the Board are fixers and we want to fix our partners/spouses and we can't. If she is in MLC, she was emotionally stunted as a young child. That means, someone in authority didn't validate or make her feel as important as others. Someone, most likely a parent, didn't listen to, treat her as she should have been or their home life wasn't the best. In some cases, they are verbally, emotionally and physically abused. It takes many years for all of this hurt to bubble up to the surface and then one day, the switch is flipped and a severe crisis happens. If we aren't allowed to grow and learn during the teens, early 20's, 30's, etc., we can reach the severe crisis state. Yes, we do have quarter life crisis, but that usually appears, in the 20's/30's timeframe.

Your wife didn't just go into crisis. 18-24 months prior to the BD happening, something triggered bubbling up of hurt/disappointment within her. Now, she's experiencing the full blown crisis. You will begin to see that the woman you love has turned into the mirror image of that person, i.e., the exact opposite. She will do things that she would not have done pre-crisis. She will be operating on pure emotions and, of course confusion comes into play and with a MLC, depression is the main ingredient.

What can you do? Listen, validate and if she's complaining about something just say "I'm sorry you feel that way". Do not argue w/her because that will give her the validation she needs to push forward and say, that's why I want a divorce. They will even vilify the spouse to justify why they are doing what they are doing. The more people attempt to talk some sense into her, the more she's going to pull back and away from them.

The best thing you can do is GAL. That list you have in a drawer of the things that you want or need to do...get started on them. Now is the time for you to focus on you and what you want to do w/your life while she's on the Mother Ship. If something isn't working, then try something else. Remember...this is her journey and you weren't invited on it. Your journey will be a totally different one because you will be meeting everything head on and not self medicating. You will come out the other side, wiser and more self confident while she is still figuring things out.

MLC is not a sprint...but a marathon. Are you up for the challenge?

[/quote]


To your situation, objecting to your W's "reality" will only serve to create another sticking point between you and your W, and your goal right now is to remove yourself from the equation as much as possible. This is more for your sake than anything else.

Don't worry about what she is thinking. You can't do anything about it anyway.

All you can do control what you do, think, and say. You can't control what your W is telling your kids.

I know - it [censored].

My M and F did a ton of rewriting post-D to suit each of their own narratives. I still don't know the truth and it's been over 30 yrs.

I'm not sure exactly what you would say or how but maybe the other vets can help more with this - some kind of a neutral calm way to explain this to the kids if they ask, I would guess.

Hang in there, man

Re: This is a gift #2 [Re: unchien] #2878757
01/04/20 06:21 PM
01/04/20 06:21 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,477
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unchien Offline OP
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unchien  Offline OP
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U
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,477
Thanks IW. I donít care what she is thinking but when sheís telling the kids things I donít agree with...

I told them my version. That my job in hometown could not support our lifestyle. And that I canít move back because the jobs there with my current company are not my specialty.

Re: This is a gift #2 [Re: unchien] #2878758
01/04/20 06:31 PM
01/04/20 06:31 PM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 954
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may22 Offline
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Posts: 954
U,

I think you did the right thing. I would try to sit them down and talk with them-- say I know this is confusing, but I want you to know that everything I have done is because I have thought it was the best thing for YOU guys. We moved because... and then really re-emphasize how much you love them and how you are always there for them no matter what. If they have any questions you are always happy to answer them... in fact, I might consider some time set aside on every visit where they can ask you questions and you can answer. You want them to feel 100% secure in coming to you with things that are brought up and are confusing to them and have that communication line between you so strong that your W can't feed any garbage into it that they would buy without coming to you. You can be the loving, positive parent.

It is deeply f***ed up that she is doing this. Like, really, really f***ed up. I'm sure she is in crisis, unable to handle her emotions on her own, but man. I'm so sorry. I agree with IW that you can't control what she says to the kids, and there is probably no point in bringing it up.


Me (45) H (41)
M:13 T:17, D8 & D10
4/19 BD #1 ILYB
8/19 BD #2 Long-distance EA
12/19 BD #3 Actually 2 year PA
2-5/20 R attempt #1
6-7/20 limbo again, back in contact with AP
8/20-present R attempt #2
Re: This is a gift #2 [Re: unchien] #2878767
01/04/20 07:36 PM
01/04/20 07:36 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,236
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LH19 Online
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Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,236
U,

I got no problem addressing this with your W if what she is saying is simply not true. Make it clear that it is important that you done blame one another for what is happening between you.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
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