In response to my open home invitation, I ended up cramming 20 visits, outings, catchups, parties etc into 14 days off. I'm back at work today and ready for a break! I am incredibly grateful to have such a supportive network of friends and family in my life. There has been an unflagging willingness to talk, listen, comfort, connect etc from everyone in my life. I feel very lucky.
So naturally, there were a lot of talks about my sitch over the last two weeks. I was prepared for this, but it was emotionally draining. I am sleeping again, and dreaming about H every night. Some nights he's a serial killer trying to attack me. Some nights we are on a family holiday and cuddling in bed. It's confusing. I can admit there is still love in my heart. Just because I want him to feel consequences, doesn't mean I hate him. But nor does it mean I want him back.
Two bits of new information are giving me peace after a turbulent couple of weeks wishing for karma to do its job.
1) My friend, J, who works with H told me about their work Christmas party. The chatter in the room was about poor H spending the holidays alone without his wife and son. J bridled at this and told the group NO. He left his wife and son for another woman. He does not deserve any sympathy. J stopped short of saying the other woman was a former employee, but told me she has a meeting scheduled in January to speak directly with H's manager.
2) Another friend, R, who is also in H's friendship group, had a New Year's party and explicitly told the group not to invite H because "he doesn't live by his codes of life". When one of the group, let's call him M, asked what he meant, R told them a little bit about the other woman and the missed visitations. M was the one H stayed with during the first three months after he left, and was apparently "appalled" that he had unknowingly supported this bad behaviour.
This has reminded me that anytime I start feeling powerless, I just need to wait. H's choices and actions are evidence enough to anyone with a brain, a heart, and a soul that he has messed up. Big time. Did I contribute to the wheels falling off our marriage? Of course, and I've acknowledged and apologised for my flaws and mistakes. H and I were both in the same unhappy marriage, and both made very different choices about how to cope.
My mantra for 2020: act on principle, not emotion.
So the friend I mentioned, R, had birthday drinks last night and asked me to come along. Again he made it clear that H wasn't invited or welcome. I had some nice red wine and didn't talk about H at all, as I knew it would be inappropriate given I was amongst his friends. It was a lot of fun to have a night off from parenting and I very rarely drink, so by the time I left I was pretty tipsy.
H's other friend, M, was there as well. He ended up giving me a lift home. We did talk about H at that point and I told him a lot of things that have happened the past seven months. M confessed that he suspected H was involved with someone else from the get-go, because he saw d@mning messages from OW on H's phone when he moved in. He said that H often didn't come home at night during the period of time we were 'on a break'. And the kicker - that he and H went on a boys' camping trip and H asked if he could bring OW and her sister. I don't think M was impressed by this, nor did he seem like a fan of OW.
He gave me a big hug when he dropped me off and said I could chat to him anytime. I sent a message saying thanks for the lift and the talk, and that I was sorry if my drunken confessions put him in an awkward position. He replied saying it was fine, he had no idea how tough it had been on me. He was sorry H hadn't handled things in a mature way and that sadly it was obvious he had only thought of himself in this process. He thought H's priorities were all mixed up and it was sad that he felt like something was missing from his life when he actually had it all.
In other news, H's grandmother passed away yesterday. I found out from my friend J who let me know he would be off work for a week for the funeral etc. Haven't heard anything from H about this affecting visitation, so I will just wait and see what happens. He was close with his nan as a boy, but she has been estranged from him and his parents for a couple of years.
I keep remembering his grandfather's funeral a couple of years ago. H cried while I held his hand and whispered words of comfort into his ear. I had only seen him cry once before. I hope he is OK. I might message his mother with my condolences at some point. Is that the right thing to do?
Last edited by job; 01/03/2010:32 PM. Reason: edited language
I am glad you had a good time last evening. I am sorry to read that your h's grandfather passed away. You may not hear a peep out of your h about his passing. There is no harm at all in messaging your condolences to his mother. I think it would be the right thing to do and a kind gesture on your part.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Iím not sure what that is, other than a symbol of cowardice? Iíll google it.
Be very wary what you say to hís friends. Iím a little confused by the dynamic there. They sound like honourable men seemingly at odds with h. Is this right?
Thatís the long and short of it. The guy who drove me home says he doesnít agree with what H has done, but obviously accepts him as a friend still. Thatís okay. The others seem to have similar views, with the exception of R, who was my friend first, and has taken a hardline stance against H. Itís really not my preference to spend time with these guys or discuss H with them. They are his friends, not mine. I went to the party because R asked me to go for his birthday, but I wouldnít hang out with those guys otherwise. The convo I had was a one-off due to a combination of circumstances and wonít happen again.
When someone dies thatís very close or family they signify their presence with white feathers. When my dad died, for months after I kept having these white feathers land in front of me or floating near me, and in odd places. I didnít know about it but told my XW and she said that it was my dad. Itís a bit out there but I have an open mind and am fascinated with these things.
Yes makes perfect sense. Sorry I was maybe a little unclear. I was confused a little at H having these types of friends as he is seemingly so different. Hopefully his friends influence him to be responsible and honourable. That will be the proof of whether or not they live by a code or just talk about it.
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Keep in mind I am not standing or wanting to reconcile. I know DB advice tends to be "softly, softly" but I felt that the truth was more powerful in this instance. I needed him to hear this.
H: When are you going to respond to my email? M: I need time to think about it before making changes to the permanent custody schedule. I'm not obligated to agree to your requests, but I am considering it. H: But I wrote it so nicely! M: Do you hear how manipulative that sounds? H: (sarcastically) So what, are you waiting for your lawyer to get back from holidays to discuss it? M: I'm discussing it with a few different people. H: (threateningly) Well, I'm also going to be discussing things with your lawyer. (indicating he doesn't have his own L) M That's generally how settlement works, yes. H: (scoffs) Why are you acting like this? M: Because you cheated on me? Abandoned me? Left S1? Any number of reasons, really. This is how divorce works. H: I didn't cheat on you. I promise. (he crossed his heart) M: You've broken every promise you ever made to me, and you've been caught in a number of lies. I don't trust you and I don't believe you. H: Who have you been talking to? You're just going to believe whatever J (his coworker/my friend) tells you? M: I've heard it from multiple people. When multiple people tell you the same thing, you tend to believe it. H: Who? M: People who care about me and want me to know the truth. Friends, both yours and mine. H: Whatever. I didn't cheat on you. (he got into his car and I followed him) M: I know about OW. I know you left me for OW, I know you're with her now. Our families know, our friends know, your coworkers know. H: I didn't cheat on you. (the corners of his mouth were turning up like he was trying not to smile) M: I know you were emotionally involved with her before you left me. Stop f*cking lying and stop smiling. (I got a little heated here). H: (laughs nervously) What does emotionally involved even mean? M: You left me to try it on with her. When you get married, it's to the exclusion of all others. When you allow someone else to become an option, that's breaking your marriage vows. Also known as cheating, an affair, whatever. H: The marriage was over; I didn't cheat on you. M: That's news to me. You never told me you were unhappy enough to leave unless things changed. You told me you loved me the morning that you walked out. I'm not a mind-reader. H: I told you so many times I was not happy. M: If you had told me, don't you think I would have done everything in my power to fix it? I loved you and would have done anything for you. H: You just wanted to control and manipulate me. M: How? By asking you to get off video games and spend time with us as a family? By asking you not to put us $50k in debt for a truck? By asking you not to go on your fifth boys' trip for the year leaving me alone with the baby? H: You made us spend $15k on home improvements! You never let me make one decision on my own. M: *lists a bunch of examples* H: Yeah, but you did XYZ! M: If I was so controlling, how were you able to coerce me into buying this $50k car when I was adamant I didn't want it? H: Oh, big deal - one thing I won over you in 8 years! M: Every decision that we made about our life was made together. It's unfair to agree to something then blame me for going ahead with it. I had no idea you didn't want to do it. You agreed to it. H: You were controlling then and you're still trying to control me even though I've ended the relationship! M: I don't care what you are doing now. I don't care that you are with OW. But I will hold you accountable for your choices. I'm sorry you don't like it. You are the one who has trashed your reputation. H: (sarcastically) I'm SO glad I trashed my reputation. I'm SO glad these rumours have come out. Hooray! M: I don't understand? H: I'm being sarcastic. M: Oh. H: (searching for something else to accuse me of) You won't even let me in the house anymore! M: Because you called me a bitch last time you were here. That's my boundary. H: Well, my boundary is that you get out of my car. (I got out and stood in the doorway) M: I'm not out to hurt you. I loved you and would have done anything to make you happy. But you chose to put the emotional energy I deserved, which could have saved our marriage, into OW. You had legitimate concerns about our marriage. I never had the chance to address them once she came into the picture. H: (doggedly) I didn't cheat on you. M: The things you've done were not mistakes, they were choices. You are a liar, a cheater, a coward, and a fraud. These were not the choices of a good person. One day S1 is going to understand the truth. And you will have to live with it.
Then I walked away, feeling AT LAST that I took back the power he stole from me upon BD. I didn't feel vindicated or righteous as I walked away. I felt relieved to have expelled the poison that was eating me up, and underneath that a real sadness that this is how we have ended.