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A Message from Michele
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Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2878238
12/31/19 12:03 PM
12/31/19 12:03 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
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I would stay silent for the moment about the OM. Step back, give her space and time to figure herself out. The OM is nothing more than a band aid to her issues and she's using him to make herself feel better.

No relationship talks unless she brings it up! Right now you need to LISTEN when she speaks. Do not offer up advice unless she asks for it. The words silent and listen use the same letters to spell out each word. Just a bit of trivia...food for thought.

Dig deeper for patience and keep the focus on you. One last thing...BREATHE!

Also, please read the links that I provided to you last evening. Here is one more valuable link that you need to read today and begin working on:

Sandi2's 37 Rules #2


Last edited by job; 12/31/19 12:37 PM. Reason: added a link to another thread

Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Help with WW [Re: job] #2878246
12/31/19 01:05 PM
12/31/19 01:05 PM
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OS2 Offline OP
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Thank you @Job. Easy to get obsessive. W isn't sure whether to come over tonight to see me before new year, her head's a bit scrambled and she said she doesn't want to be upset or confuse me. Have said I understand and it's up to her if she wants to come round and don't need to talk about anything. If not I'll try and find a party to go to (GAL and all that). Tonight could be a real low point if I stay at home.

Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2878248
12/31/19 01:37 PM
12/31/19 01:37 PM
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She's coming over. I think tonight will be quite critical as it'll be the first proper visit with detachment. If W advances to cuddle etc should I brush her off and tell her "I don't think I feel that's the right thing for us to be doing until we are in a better place" or go along with it but only follow her lead and not lean in? I sense she will want to feel better by being close. It would send a clear message back on boundaries but I'm not sure if that's right.

Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2878250
12/31/19 01:43 PM
12/31/19 01:43 PM
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Ok OS2 I am going to tell you how to salvage your M because I think you have a chance.

Youíve only been married for 4 years so there isnít enough resentment built up or else you would be toast. Right now her emotions are telling her to be with OM while her logic and reason is telling her she is married to you. A woman makes her decisions on based on emotions and uses logic and reason to justify her decisions. The longer this goes on and she builds a connection with the OM the slimmer your chances get. She canít rebuild her relationship with you while she has feelings for him. You canít control her actions so what can you do? You get a life like a mad man and you donít sit around and wait for her to come by and give you scraps. For this to change she has to think that youíre not sitting around waiting for her to choose.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2878252
12/31/19 01:47 PM
12/31/19 01:47 PM
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Southern Maryland
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I would follow her lead. If you don't feel up to cuddling, just say "wife, I'm not up for that this evening" and leave it at that. You have to determine what you will or will not do in the boundary arena. Each situation is different and each poster needs to think long and hard as to what they will or will not accept. Because of what she's done to you and your family, I wouldn't make things easy for her. She would need to work on herself and, if she wants to return, she would need to regain your trust and right now, she's still a very confused woman who is keeping you right where she left you.

When speaking to her, remain calm and keep the tone of your voice level. Do not raise your voice and definitely look her in the eye.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2878254
12/31/19 01:55 PM
12/31/19 01:55 PM
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Thanks both. I will make plans and go out later unless she stays (and it develops into anything worth staying for). I will lean away and play it by ear but won't be offering anything up and don't really want to be settling for just cuddles right now. Tomorrow I get a life like a madman. I've been starting that but I can really dig in. I've got resources and time.

Last edited by OS2; 12/31/19 01:58 PM.
Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2878258
12/31/19 02:06 PM
12/31/19 02:06 PM
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Good! Youíre the prize.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2878260
12/31/19 02:17 PM
12/31/19 02:17 PM
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Originally Posted by OS2
Thank you @Job. Easy to get obsessive. W isn't sure whether to come over tonight to see me before new year, her head's a bit scrambled and she said she doesn't want to be upset or confuse me. Have said I understand and it's up to her if she wants to come round and don't need to talk about anything. If not I'll try and find a party to go to (GAL and all that). Tonight could be a real low point if I stay at home.


You need to flip the on its head. Make plans. Then when she wants to come over you say "sorry, I have plans".


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2878288
12/31/19 06:53 PM
12/31/19 06:53 PM
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Really positive evening. Commented on several 180s, surprised at several GAL things Iíve got coming up. W said she wanted to see me because she thought Iíd be alone but was surprised (and pleased) Iíve got plans. Said sheís really started to miss me over the last few days and is seeing a bit more clearly. Didnít push anything, no physical either. Said she found me a bit hostile at first but said I settled down. Wanted to be busy and was getting ready so didnít show her a lot of attention when she arrived. She said her NY resolution is no more stupid mistakes. OM still a mystery but I feel more positive regardless - can tackle that in time. Will continue what Iím doing, getting on with my life. She even mentioned having children this time next year! She said she thought she should be thinking about children (and used to want them) but the last year has led to a lot of doubts but sheís feeling more positive about it. A big factor I think in the MLC sort of thing that I hadnít thought of.

Now off out with friends. HNY all.

Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2880003
01/11/20 01:48 AM
01/11/20 01:48 AM
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Disaster.

GAL was going well, reconnecting with W and was seeming to make real progress. She said she wants to move in soon and get things back on track.

A few of Wís actions recently made me curious again of the OM and led me to look at her messages which confirmed my worst suspicions of OM and an A. W came over straight away and we talked through everything calmly and openly. W says mainly EA but also physical. W says physical finished over a month ago but is still friends with OM which I think I believe. Ive been processing the concept of that for over a month but seeing it in black and white is so awful.

Completely lost and empty. No idea what to do. Still love her and she wants to work through it all but I feel so broken right now. She said tonight she hasnt been able to reconnect due to the guilt from November and it just felt wrong to come back when she has betrayed me and our marriage.

What next?

Last edited by OS2; 01/11/20 01:52 AM.
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