How do I Save this?

[SteveLW]

First.... Doesn't matter who makes more, the agreement should be 50/50 on everything house related. Each pay for their own car. Of course he's upset as he is trying to have his cake (being single) and eat it too (enjoy the additional income you provide). One of my favorite DBing tactics is to call the WAS' bluff, which is what you did. "You want to be separate, then we separate finances." You gave him a huge dose of reality.

In my sitch my W had a plan that she hadn't thought all the way through. "I want to get a job, get an apartment, and get a divorce." On day 3 after I heard this plan I remembered DBing. She had an EA in 2005 which is where I found MWD. I started to embrace her plan though I was clear my preference was staying together and working on things. She would ask questions about the costs of things (I do all the bills). I told her I'd buy her anything she needed. Resume writing books. Interviewing technique books. (She hadn't worked since 2004.) Slowly she started to back away from her "plan". She worked on her resume one night and most the next day, never finished it. That's how I knew she wasn't serious about her plan.

Reality is the only thing that can shake them free of their delusions. But here's the thing.. You cannot do things purposely to try to shake them free. You have to really move on and do the things to move on. Sometimes they wake up in time, some times not. If you try to manipulate him he will see through it.

So this long diatribe is to say that you need to move on this finance splitting. He will continue to cake eat if you let him. I'd highly consider having a lawyer draw up the agreement so he knows you're serious about it.

As far as not wanting him to live there, you can ask him to leave but you can't make him at least in most cases. Consult a lawyer on that as well.

[HesAble]

Thanks so much HesAble. We've had a few ups and downs and haven't been intimate since a few days before Christmas. We are in a really nice place though of friendly caring energy, lots of flexibility and working on the house together.

How are things going for you? Does it feel good to split the finances? I make more money than he does... so we are trying to split it out in a ratio that makes sense for our incomes and his physical labour around the house.

I also make considerably more than my H so we split ours up based on that. Because he spends a LOT and saves essentially nothing, I am feeling better now that our finances are split. I am able to save more and I don't have to stress about whether he is overspending.

[WestM]

Do you also split the mortgage/rent and all household bills 50/50? Do you have kids? I really don't think my H undestands the financial impacts of what he is doing. Conisdering there were no bad thigns in our marriage, just poor communication patterns and I had a high level of stress for a while... I also asked, periodically to do marriage counselling, couples retreats and other ways to connect together, most of which he declined.

And we still get along are still attracted to each other. He wasn't getting his emotional needs met - I get that. We also had a baby and a business and bought and renovated a house in 3 years. Everything is just settling out now... and he wants to pull the plug.

I think he's having an early MLC. He's 34. And immigrated here from Europe 4 years ago.

How is your H handling the financial split?

[WestM]

Thanks so much Steve85... did you W move out at all after that?

I stayed very clear about my financial boundaries last night and he went on to dividing the house and debt - we only got the mortgage in August 2019, with financial help from my dad, so there is zero equity and we have about 40K in debt. The only logical solution is for him to sign the house over to me and I look after the debt. If we sold now, we'd probably have to pay the bank due to our mortgage insurance etc. He agreed but was obviously unhappy.

This morning he was back on our three month trial of him living in the basement suite, but still dividing our expenses.

For someone who wants to eventually get divorced, he sure wants to hang on as much as possible. And besides when we talk about separating/divorce, we truly do get a long. We smile, have fun, joke and enjoy each other.

But you are right... he needs to get on with his "separate life". It is not what I want - and when I say that - he gets agitated. But I say it calmly and lovingly, this isn't what I want, but I support your desire to make this happen.

[ovrrnbw]

Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.

Detach. It means don't let his words or actions affect your moods, thoughts, actions.

Right now you are in WAS (walkaway spouse) analysis mode. This may sound curt, but it is a waste of time. Don't do it.

The sooner you focus on you the sooner this ship starts turning.

Believe him when he says he wants out of the marriage. I did not initiate an ILY (I love you) for over a year and half. I still am somewhat reticent.

Don't try to talk him back into the MR. Most LBS's talk their way out of the marriage after the BD (I certainly tried). Learn from their mistakes.

Be calculated in your decisions. Think and act, don't feel and react. If you aren't sure, delay and get advice here.

[WestM]

So, he moved out this morming. We argued a bit about our finances and our 3 month trial living together and I ultimatley said, its time for him to move out, I can't support him anymore. He wanted to stay to be best friends and coparents and I wanted to eventually get back together. So, I pulled the plug. I will keep the house.

I think that was the right thing to do. I am looking for reassurance...

[SteveLW]

So, he moved out this morming. We argued a bit about our finances and our 3 month trial living together and I ultimatley said, its time for him to move out, I can't support him anymore. He wanted to stay to be best friends and coparents and I wanted to eventually get back together. So, I pulled the plug. I will keep the house.

I think that was the right thing to do. I am looking for reassurance...

If you are really done, then it was. If you still want to get back together, then probably not.

Did you really want him to move out, or did you just tell him that hoping he'd change his mind? Manipulation attempts almost always backfire.

Understand that 3 months is a small amount of time in these sitches. Patrice
Lack of patience is usually what ends up hurting you in DBing. We typically encourage posters to come here for feedback before making a decision on these kinds of things.

Ànother thing that happens is that LBSs that are IHS think physical separation would be easier. Those that are in physical separation think it would be easier to show their changes if they still lived together. It is a conundrum.

West, the thing is that most LBS are in pain, so they think they can do things that will eliminate the pain. It hardly ever a good thing to react trying to avoid pain. You will have regrets.

I say all this not to make you feel bad, but to warn you that you'll likely regret this decision. But it is done, so just start DBing hard. Come here for feedback before making big decisions. GAL, keep improving, and keep working to detach.

[WestM]

Well, it isn't what I wanted. But he also wanted to date other people while living here. That I couldn't sit with.

[SteveLW]

Well, it isn't what I wanted. But he also wanted to date other people while living here. That I couldn't sit with.

Well then good, he left. Technically he doesn't have to legally. But if he agreed, good.

[WestM]

Now I've let him go. I don't think I can just be super happy around him right now. Is it appropriate to take space? I am still waitign for the book. I just need space to collect myself for a while.