HI - just wondeirng if anyone has had experience with being the one who had too many other things going on in their life outside of spouse. GAL doesnt make a lot of sense to me as I have such a full life outside of my family. What I need to do is be with my husband or available to him... does that make sense to anyone?
Me 41 H 34 Son 3.5 Married almost 4 years West Coast of Canada
I have merged your two threads together. The general policy here is to stick to one thread until you have reached 100 postings/replies. You can change your thread title at any time within your thread.
I am not sure why this wasn’t clear, I did the same thing
Thank-you in advance to anyone who reads this post I have ordered the book and am waiting eagerly. We have been together for 5 years, married for 3.5, with a 3.5 year old. We met while travelling, as he is from another country we did not spend much time together the first year. So, we went into a completely stressful situation - pregnancy, him moving from Europe, me starting a business and then going back work as well full time. Then we bought and rennovated a house. We did alllll the stressful things in the 3.5 years. Everything now is just settling out - or so I thought.
My H asked for divorce (separation?) Nov 10. I did not react well. I was already under a lot of stress (my business needs to be sold as its sucking the life out of me). We went through lots of rollercoasters - he was half living elsewhere. Since the breakup, we are communicating more deeply than we ever have, and even were able to sit through each others anger - something we never really did before. We started having sex about a week after we broke up - the sex just got better and better. We laugh more, we connect better than ever. He does everything he can to help with the house and our family responsibilities, including my business. And he still insists that we are over. He wants to live in our house - in the basement - and help finsih the renos. We just signed the mortgage in August. We are splitting out our expenses so that is more separated. And we talk about getting a dog together - he wants to be best friends and economic partners. We still love each other and we are still attracted to each other.
And he still insists that we are over.
I was not present a lot for those 3.5 years... I was too stressed. I recognize that. I know I am not to blame 100%, but I do know that I was barely surviving. I am on leave now to recover from all this.
I am just not sure what to do next. Let him stay here even though he insists we are over and he says he will eventually start dating someone new? See how this goes? Tell him if he wants to separated, he should really get his own house?
I am at a loss.
Hi West. Welcome and sorry you find yourself here. Many of us have been through this. To the question in your thread title, my answer is a thread I wrote a while back:
Yep, this is typical WAS script stuff. Mine was insistent on this....even after she would initiate a night (and I am not too far off from saying the entire night) of passion.
Keep your chin up, focus on you. Remember you cannot control him, but you have full control over you, your reactions and your actions. GAL....like crazy. Be a busy busy woman. 180 on your bad behaviors. Use this as an opportunity to become the best version of yourself that you can. And detach. This means to become emotionally stable no matter what he says or does. Tough? Yes. Doable, also yes!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks so much for the read and reply. You are so right about becoming emotionally stable no matter what he says or does. That is certainley my goal right now. And a 180 on my bad behaviours...
Did you reconcile with your W?
I wondered about GAL - because I already had such a full life without him... that was part of the reason we grew so distant and disconnected. He's very much a quieter person and I am very much an ideas person... growing community, meeting people, developing ideas. I don't want to recreate the situation by continuing to grow my life without him.
Me 41 H 34 Son 3.5 Married almost 4 years West Coast of Canada
Thanks so much for the read and reply. You are so right about becoming emotionally stable no matter what he says or does. That is certainley my goal right now. And a 180 on my bad behaviours...
Did you reconcile with your W?
I wondered about GAL - because I already had such a full life without him... that was part of the reason we grew so distant and disconnected. He's very much a quieter person and I am very much an ideas person... growing community, meeting people, developing ideas. I don't want to recreate the situation by continuing to grow my life without him.
Yes. But I like to caution newcomers, Ring isn't what you think it is. If you think Ring is going back to the way things were then you are doomed to be disappointed. You have to look at it as MR 2.0 with who your S is NOW.
It is also a heck of a lot of hard work. And you will doubt if it was the right decision. I still have moments of doubt, if I wouldn't have been better off using it as an opportunity to move on.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
That is very interesting... I do have moments of those doubts even now. But the thing is that he is a really good man - and we do work well together when I am happy. ANd we have passion.
Funny that you say that... I do not want to go back to the way things were... we didn't start the same way most people did. We met in central America, I live in Canada and he lived in Europe. We long distance dated for 10 months, then I got pregnant on our last visit - found out the day I got back to Canada. That forced our hand - we had been togehter 3 times in 10 months... and we were launched into a stressfull situation immediately. He didn't want to leave Europe. But we tried hard to make it work... so stressful... a baby, a new business, we both eventually worked full time (as well as business), bought and renovated a house. Just now everything has settled out but the distance had already developed between us and the poor communication patterns.
Since we broke up, we have been better at communicating, more aware, more present and when we are intimate, more passionate. A friend recently asked me if I reminisce about how it used to be and if that's what I am sad about... I said no. What I want is the relationship we have now. THis is the relationship I have always wanted... except we aren't sleeping in the same bed and I have to hold back from touching him or initiating sex.
I think I would have moments of doubt with anyone (that I was well enough matched to).
Me 41 H 34 Son 3.5 Married almost 4 years West Coast of Canada
HI - just wondering if anyone has had experience with being the one who had too many other things going on in their life outside of spouse. GAL doesn't make a lot of sense to me as I have such a full life outside of my family. What I need to do is be with my husband or available to him... does that make sense to anyone?
Originally Posted by WestM
I wondered about GAL - because I already had such a full life without him... that was part of the reason we grew so distant and disconnected. He's very much a quieter person and I am very much an ideas person... growing community, meeting people, developing ideas. I don't want to recreate the situation by continuing to grow my life without him.
I was full GAL at bomb drop.So was W.
Absolutely be available to him, but do not do this in a needy way. Do not do it in a pursuing way.
Learn as much as you can about attractions and seduction. There is a big difference. During this stage of the process, you really want to be seductive. Seduction is very counter-intuitive if you are not already skilled in this area.
Hi job.... I just went through a tense conversation with H. I am completely at a loss as to what to do about our finances... we are living together and getting along really well... and he just brought up separating our finances... we had intitially agreed on sharing all costs and renovations, etc. I make twice as much money as he does but he also is able to do most of the labour on the renovations. When he was very admanant about us being separate people eventually, and talking about dating others eventually, I said then we shoudln't be so financially emeshed. We need to seperate out our bills and he can then contribute an protion of the mortgage that makes sense for his income compared to mine. That way we are paying our own bills and make our own financial decisions. This will also make it easier when/if he moves out. This was a week ago. I thought we were on the same page. Tonight it seems we are not.
He;s upset now because I wanted to follow his lead on separating our finances and he wants to go back to the finances as if we are married. And then he says no, it's fine we will separate it.
At this point I am not sure if him living here is a good idea or not! Of course I want us to be together and to work well together... maybe at some point in the future we could share the hsoue and be effective coparents/economic partners. But I am doubtful.
Any help?
Me 41 H 34 Son 3.5 Married almost 4 years West Coast of Canada
