Thank-you in advance to anyone who reads this post I have ordered the book and am waiting eagerly. We have been together for 5 years, married for 3.5, with a 3.5 year old. We met while travelling, as he is from another country we did not spend much time together the first year. So, we went into a completely stressful situation - pregnancy, him moving from Europe, me starting a business and then going back work as well full time. Then we bought and rennovated a house. We did alllll the stressful things in the 3.5 years. Everything now is just settling out - or so I thought.
My H asked for divorce (separation?) Nov 10. I did not react well. I was already under a lot of stress (my business needs to be sold as its sucking the life out of me). We went through lots of rollercoasters - he was half living elsewhere. Since the breakup, we are communicating more deeply than we ever have, and even were able to sit through each others anger - something we never really did before. We started having sex about a week after we broke up - the sex just got better and better. We laugh more, we connect better than ever. He does everything he can to help with the house and our family responsibilities, including my business. And he still insists that we are over. He wants to live in our house - in the basement - and help finsih the renos. We just signed the mortgage in August. We are splitting out our expenses so that is more separated. And we talk about getting a dog together - he wants to be best friends and economic partners. We still love each other and we are still attracted to each other.
And he still insists that we are over.
I was not present a lot for those 3.5 years... I was too stressed. I recognize that. I know I am not to blame 100%, but I do know that I was barely surviving. I am on leave now to recover from all this.
I am just not sure what to do next. Let him stay here even though he insists we are over and he says he will eventually start dating someone new? See how this goes? Tell him if he wants to separated, he should really get his own house?
I am at a loss.
Me 41 H 34 Son 3.5 Married almost 4 years West Coast of Canada
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-65, D33,S32
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Trust his actions more than his words. Focus on what you can control: YOU and your behavior. He has his story to tell you. You listen to understand the story. Don't argue with it.
H:"I am leaving you forever" W:"I understand". or "OK" or "I am sorry you feel that way"
I see sitting together though each others anger is good. As long as you don't feed each other. Let him express his anger unless you believe it will become unsafe, then separate to calm down.
Let us know how we can help.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Hi. I am new too so I do not have advice. Just reaching out to provide support, to let you know you are not alone and that you have to come to a place that will help you through this journey. My H's BD was also in November and he stays in the basement. We have split out our finances too so they are more separated.
It seems like a good sign to me that you all are communicating more, having better intimacy and sharing household responsibilities. Hang in there.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Thanks so much HesAble. We've had a few ups and downs and haven't been intimate since a few days before Christmas. We are in a really nice place though of friendly caring energy, lots of flexibility and working on the house together.
How are things going for you? Does it feel good to split the finances? I make more money than he does... so we are trying to split it out in a ratio that makes sense for our incomes and his physical labour around the house.
Me 41 H 34 Son 3.5 Married almost 4 years West Coast of Canada
Hi ReadytoChange - thank you for this advice. I dont think I was able to get to a place to just listen, even though I heard his pain a number of times - I will still so hurt that I often still reacted and didn't give him space to talk through it all. While we both have sat through our anger a number of times and mostly have allowed each other to talk... I still feel I could have done a lot better to have him feel truly heard.
My question now is, do I bring it up so that I can hear him - or do I let him come back to me?
Me 41 H 34 Son 3.5 Married almost 4 years West Coast of Canada
I would allow him to come to you when he is ready to talk.
If you haven't done so already, I would have a chat w/a lawyer to see what you are options are, if it comes down to a legal separation/divorce. Whatever you learn, do not discuss it w/him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hello everyone - I have another thread but this is a more direct question regarding keepign distnace.
Husband's BD on Nov 10. His complaints were that I was not there for him emotionally, and not really physically as well - we were having sex - about 2-3 month - I had finsihed breast feeding only a year ago. Since the break up, we have had better than ever sex.
Not being there for him emotionally and often behaving very distant as I was too stressed out from having a full time job and a start up business - all my energy went to my son first. I realize how wrong that was now - my H shoudl have been first. I know I am not totally to blame. There was lots he didn't do, could have done better, should not have done. But that's not my focus.
I understand I should focus on myself and I am. I've taken time off to get healthy.
I feel that I also need to be completely open to him and what he needs - I need to show him that I can hear him and sit through his anger without reacting, but I don't want to instigate a situation... should I say anything at all? Tell him that I understand that I haven't heard him well?
We still live together and get along really well... he continually insists its over.
Me 41 H 34 Son 3.5 Married almost 4 years West Coast of Canada
So, just proceed as is until he is ready to come to me and talk...
I have an appointment with a lawyer on Jan 22. I am in Canada so we don't have legal separation. Just no fault divorce. Mediation is the cheapest option.
I am worried about the house in some ways... we only signed the mortgage in August. There is no value in it yet. So, forcing me to sell the house would just hurt all of us.
Me 41 H 34 Son 3.5 Married almost 4 years West Coast of Canada
I have merged your two threads together. The general policy here is to stick to one thread until you have reached 100 postings/replies. You can change your thread title at any time within your thread.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
