A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
SPECIAL BLACK FRIDAAY OFFER!
Save $90. Offer available November 27-30 only
THREE DIVORCE BUSTING TELEPHONE COACHING SESSION FOR ONLY $300

CALL 303-444-7004 or use code: SAVE $90 in the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
Help with WW #2878144
12/30/19 07:23 PM
12/30/19 07:23 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 96
O
OS2 Offline OP
Member
OS2  Offline OP
Member
O
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 96
Really need some advice. Married 3.5yr, had a terrible 2019, me being super busy with work, close family illnesses both of which have disrupted the amount of time we've spent together. W also made a career move that didnít work out (and I didnít approve of and didnít really support). All the above have led to W spending a lot of time seeing friends and getting fulfilment outside the M. W said she wasnít happy twice during the year which we v briefly discussed and was put down to hormones and feeling worn out due to all the above.

BD was 1 month ago when I asked her whether she was happy because sheís spending a lot of time with friends and she was making plans before we could make plans together. W moved out to her mumís for some space (I think partially motivated by a friend whoís done similar). My reaction as a LBH was to analyse all the horrible and neglectful behaviour Iíve shown her this year (some of which Iím quite ashamed) and work on improving myself including being more loving, watching and reading marriage advice, gym, tidy house, better work/life balance, better lifestyle, DIY etc. 180 in many areas. W hasnít really changed at all - still busy all the time with friends although she is working on that. Thereís one particular male friend I donít trust sheís been getting close to that makes me jealous which I try not to admit. I donít think sheíd cheat though - no A but could argue friends are EA.

We chat daily over message and she comes over a few times a week (sometimes includes hugging, cuddling, napping together, playing with her hair (I know!)) but nothing more physical. I suggested she wasn't trying to R but W says she has been spending time with me and trying to R and get the spark back. She says she still loves me and attracted but thereís something missing. Weíve talked a lot and Iíve asked several times for her to move back to work on the M (I know). She says it doesnít feel right and she even said she has no logic right now, only emotions. Both love each other a lot. She says she doesnít want me to put my life on hold for her. Last conversation felt quite final where she told me what a great guy I am etc. almost as if she's letting me go.

Iíve read a lot of posts on here and think I understand most of the strategies. Is my W a WW? (I think she is and has enjoyed space and autonomy without pleasing people) Should I be detaching myself? Is there a risk she would move on if I detach? Should she move back in and under what circumstances? We txt daily - should I stall on that/reply with the minimum or be exciting and fun showing how Iím GAL? Should I be spending time with her when she asks? Should I be fun and interesting when in her company - like the 'dating me' was? Iím GAL and becoming a better person. I do feel leaning away will help.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OS2

Last edited by OS2; 12/30/19 07:26 PM.
Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2878145
12/30/19 07:25 PM
12/30/19 07:25 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,700
Southern Maryland
job Offline

Member
job  Offline

Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,700
Southern Maryland
Welcome! I am posting in Cadet's Welcome post for you.

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-65, D33,S32


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2878150
12/30/19 07:41 PM
12/30/19 07:41 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,596
L
LH19 Offline
Member
LH19  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,596
O,

I think you most likely have a wayward on your hands as you most likely havenít been married long enough for a walk away. Your gut is right 90% of the time so my guess is sheís cheating with the gentleman you suspect.

Sheís getting her needs met with both of you. Connection and uncertainty with him and certainty with you. I would stop the cuddling and playing with her hair (seriously) and donít be available all the time. Donít be exciting and fun around her but be miserable and mopey as thatís more attractive (JK). How old are the two of you? Assuming no children?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Help with WW [Re: LH19] #2878156
12/30/19 07:48 PM
12/30/19 07:48 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 96
O
OS2 Offline OP
Member
OS2  Offline OP
Member
O
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 96
Thanks LH19. No children, both 30s. I was sceptical at first of her being a WW but she seems classic symptoms. Fallen into the classic traps I think but better understanding of what I'm doing now. She's very morally minded, supportive of me and has been very upset about the whole thing but as you say difficult to tell when the emotions take over.

Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2878158
12/30/19 07:51 PM
12/30/19 07:51 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 96
O
OS2 Offline OP
Member
OS2  Offline OP
Member
O
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 96
Confused about judging 'tough love' replying to messages with simple answers and detaching vs being fun and exciting in my replies getting her attention and show how I'm desirable to be around.

Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2878159
12/30/19 07:54 PM
12/30/19 07:54 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,596
L
LH19 Offline
Member
LH19  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,596
Well O if I had a nickel for every moral minded person who cheated I would never work again

Yep. Logic and reason would say stay and work it out with hubby. Emotions say otherwise. When decisions are made based on emotions there are bound to be consequences.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2878160
12/30/19 07:55 PM
12/30/19 07:55 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,700
Southern Maryland
job Offline

Member
job  Offline

Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,700
Southern Maryland
You need to step back and allow her to come to you. Only text her in an emergency. If she texts you, wait an hour or so before you reply or even longer. She needs to realize that you are busy and not sitting on that phone waiting for her call/text.

The best way to get her attention is to live your life to the fullest. Get out there and GAL. Be the man were when she met you. If you think that there are things that you need to change about yourself, now is the time to do it and do it for YOU, not your wife.

She can't miss you if you are available and texting, etc....give her lots of space and time. Be mysterious. You do not need to tell her everything you are doing. For example, if she asks you to come over, tell her that you are busy, but you could make the trip another evening.

Read the links that I posted. They will help you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2878203
12/30/19 11:17 PM
12/30/19 11:17 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 96
O
OS2 Offline OP
Member
OS2  Offline OP
Member
O
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 96
Should I ask her about this potential OM? Or avoid the subject entirely?

Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2878207
12/30/19 11:58 PM
12/30/19 11:58 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 96
O
OS2 Offline OP
Member
OS2  Offline OP
Member
O
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 96
It makes me wonder whether the possibility of an OM is the reason why W doesnít want to come home. Donít think Iíd thought about it too seriously before LH19 put it like that. Iíd like to think itís nothing more than an EA

Re: Help with WW [Re: OS2] #2878237
12/31/19 11:59 AM
12/31/19 11:59 AM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 96
O
OS2 Offline OP
Member
OS2  Offline OP
Member
O
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 96
Stepped back. W says she misses me and is confused. She said she's trying to get her head straight. Should I raise the topic of the OM at some point? I feel I want to play it cool and keep detaching letting her figure out things for herself.

Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004